Venting i don't want to die

[thelittleprincess]

I don't. I really don't want to die. Some part of me actually has hope for the future. I can see myself moving out, getting a car that actually works, getting my own apartment. But that's where the hope ends. I can't picture myself getting a stable job, or being in another relationship. I know I'd fuck it up. I don't want to die, I want to wait it out and see what happens, but it feels like I'm in a story where the only logical thing that happens next is to kill me. For shock value. I always hated the books that did that, killed a character for shock value. How ironic that I'm doing the same thing, huh?
I know I have people who care about me, which sucks. But at this point, I feel like I'm more of a lesson to be learned, rather than a human to be experienced.

 

[suicidesergal]

I could not see myself at 30 where i am at 40. I could not see my wife and my cat and my friends i had i died or killed myself.

I would not have seen the most beautiful sunset on Monday.

It's dark now. It's hard. It's lonely and terrifying and you aren't wrong to feel that way. You're feelings are valid and i accept them as real. But.

The light will come. You'll look back on the dark and remember and see how strong you are

 

[usernamegoeshere]

holy shit i relate to this exactly. you put it in words so so well. just last night i was thinking how when i was a young girl with depression i would always be like, "it'll get better. i just need to keep going". now like 8 years later i feel the exact same but im still repeating that phrase. maybe im just stubborn? or just plain stupid?

i also feel like im just a lesson. and i feel guilty because none of my friends know me truly. ive kind of accepted that im a temporary in everyone's life. i truly don't believe im a lovable person. nobody could love someone like me. but i still wanna make my friends happy. i'm ok with being someone people use and leave when theyre done with because at least that means ive made them happy at one point. that i was useful at one point. idk, sorry to vent on your post, i don't mean to be such a selfish bitch. but maybe if you hear that someone's in the same boat as you it'll make you feel a bit less lonely? idk. ur so strong <3

 

[interna]

same here yup.

 

[suicidesergal]

holy shit i relate to this exactly. you put it in words so so well. just last night i was thinking how when i was a young girl with depression i would always be like, "it'll get better. i just need to keep going". now like 8 years later i feel the exact same but im still repeating that phrase. maybe im just stubborn? or just plain stupid?

i also feel like im just a lesson. and i feel guilty because none of my friends know me truly. ive kind of accepted that im a temporary in everyone's life. i truly don't believe im a lovable person. nobody could love someone like me. but i still wanna make my friends happy. i'm ok with being someone people use and leave when theyre done with because at least that means ive made them happy at one point. that i was useful at one point. idk, sorry to vent on your post, i don't mean to be such a selfish bitch. but maybe if you hear that someone's in the same boat as you it'll make you feel a bit less lonely? idk. ur so strong <3

If none of your friends know you, take off the mask.

You hide who you are, if they don't know you, or they don't look at you, so are they truly your friends?

I will say this. You are not stupid. You are brave enough to look to tomorrow and reach out online for help. You are brave enough to look your own death in the eye when it's shouting at you and tell it to fucking earn you. You are of value.

 

[usernamegoeshere]

If none of your friends know you, take off the mask.

You hide who you are, if they don't know you, or they don't look at you, so are they truly your friends?

I will say this. You are not stupid. You are brave enough to look to tomorrow and reach out online for help. You are brave enough to look your own death in the eye when it's shouting at you and tell it to fucking earn you. You are of value.

do u mind if i pm you? i dont wanna vent in another person's vent, that seems rude hehe

 

[Ramire_Artes]

I understand what you mean.

 

[suicidesergal]

do u mind if i pm you? i dont wanna vent in another person's vent, that seems rude hehe

My DM is open for everyone

 

[thelittleprincess]

I could not see myself at 30 where i am at 40. I could not see my wife and my cat and my friends i had i died or killed myself.

I would not have seen the most beautiful sunset on Monday.

It's dark now. It's hard. It's lonely and terrifying and you aren't wrong to feel that way. You're feelings are valid and i accept them as real. But.

The light will come. You'll look back on the dark and remember and see how strong you are View attachment 189316

This is beautiful. I think this will really help me. Thank you.

holy shit i relate to this exactly. you put it in words so so well. just last night i was thinking how when i was a young girl with depression i would always be like, "it'll get better. i just need to keep going". now like 8 years later i feel the exact same but im still repeating that phrase. maybe im just stubborn? or just plain stupid?

i also feel like im just a lesson. and i feel guilty because none of my friends know me truly. ive kind of accepted that im a temporary in everyone's life. i truly don't believe im a lovable person. nobody could love someone like me. but i still wanna make my friends happy. i'm ok with being someone people use and leave when theyre done with because at least that means ive made them happy at one point. that i was useful at one point. idk, sorry to vent on your post, i don't mean to be such a selfish bitch. but maybe if you hear that someone's in the same boat as you it'll make you feel a bit less lonely? idk. ur so strong <3

No worries, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Know you're not alone. You're incredibly strong as well <3

 

[tired_person]

My DM is open for everyone

hey I don't really use this website anymore as i'm recovered, (revisiting to clear my head) but I just wanna say that you seem like an awesome person. thank you for trying to help other people, the world needs more of that. thank you, and happy holidays <3

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I could not see myself at 30 where i am at 40. I could not see my wife and my cat and my friends i had i died or killed myself.

I would not have seen the most beautiful sunset on Monday.

…

But if you were dead, then you wouldn't have needed those things… because the dead have no "needs"… and they also cannot be deprived or miss out on anything, because there is no "you" anymore to experience that deprivation.