• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block.

usernamesarehard

usernamesarehard

Life sucks and then you die
Dec 22, 2021
238
I don't know if I should be posting this here or in the discussion section. I guess I'm posting this here because there are less people who come here and I don't really want attention, I just want opinions? connection? idk.

I don't WANT to ctb, but somewhat feel like I HAVE to. I've shared my story a lot, so I'm not getting into that. But I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Originally my reason for not wanting to ctb was to try to get back with my ex, I've accepted that's not happening.

Then I wanted to finish school. I can't focus. I don't care about studying. It's hard to retain anything.

I guess I could stay to finish school, get an audit job somewhere away from this city, and then move to a different country once I have enough experience. But I don't really care about that either.

I'm going to talk with my psyc about getting on zoloft with the welbutrin. The welbutrin helps with my energy, but does very little for my mood. I think the zoloft helped a lot with my mood.

I just don't have any real goal that I care about enough to not ctb. I guess part of it is I want something to look forward to. I don't really look forward to seeing my ex when he's ready to be friends. I'll probably still hang out with him, if I do ctb next year then whether I hang out with him or not wouldn't matter. I just have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome is. It would be nice to have some control in my life. I can't control his feelings or actions, I can't control whether I get picked for a job in another state or not, fuck I can't control whether I get an internship to be able to GET an accounting job. But I can control this. It's pretty much one of the only things I can control.

I want to get a calendar to count down the days until November 2026, I want to make all the preparations, I want something to be excited about.

But the more I think about it the more I don't want to ctb. I hope the zoloft works, but if not that's just another reason I want to ctb. I'm depressed and always will be and I'll ruin every relationship I'm in no matter how hard I try not to. I don't WANT to be alone. I know I don't need a partner, but I want one.

I don't have SI anymore. I used to and that stopped me from ever even attempting, but now I'm really only here because I choose to be here, not because I'm forced to be here. I guess it's also a little nice to not care anymore. Nothing really matters.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: worthIess, BlueLock, SomeoneHelpMe and 2 others
Tumblewillow

Tumblewillow

Member
Jul 28, 2021
62
I don't have any suggestions for you, but I feel the same way. I actually love life itself and I love people, there's tons of things I want to do -- but I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm too weak, I'm too different. Life feels like a taker not a giver
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: worthIess, EmptyBottle, death_by_life and 3 others
A

ayanitoolz

Member
Jun 21, 2025
15
i get what you mean, i'm the same way with not having any real passions or goals. i didn't think about ctb much as a real option until i started living more independently and had to face how boring and mediocre life actually is once you're an adult. i think small comforts are helpful though, they're not as much pressure as big goals but still help you want to see tomorrow if only for something small
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: darksouls, monetpompo, usernamesarehard and 1 other person
SchizoGymnast

SchizoGymnast

Mage
May 28, 2024
577
Here's your answer: Don't ctb. Its not a decision you can reverse later so you can't be lukewarm like this. Have a boring life? There are ways to make it interesting. I did it myself. And the fact that you want a partner but don't need one? Actually increases your chances of finding a good one. This may not be what you want to hear, but I hearby issue to you a life sentence with parole.
 
  • Yay!
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: worthIess, secretghost, BlueLock and 5 others
monetpompo

monetpompo

૮ • ﻌ - ა
Apr 21, 2025
316
I just don't have any real goal that I care about enough to not ctb. I guess part of it is I want something to look forward to. I don't really look forward to seeing my ex when he's ready to be friends. I'll probably still hang out with him, if I do ctb next year then whether I hang out with him or not wouldn't matter. I just have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome is. It would be nice to have some control in my life. I can't control his feelings or actions, I can't control whether I get picked for a job in another state or not, fuck I can't control whether I get an internship to be able to GET an accounting job. But I can control this. It's pretty much one of the only things I can control.

I want to get a calendar to count down the days until November 2026, I want to make all the preparations, I want something to be excited about.

But the more I think about it the more I don't want to ctb. I hope the zoloft works, but if not that's just another reason I want to ctb. I'm depressed and always will be and I'll ruin every relationship I'm in no matter how hard I try not to. I don't WANT to be alone. I know I don't need a partner, but I want one.

I don't have SI anymore. I used to and that stopped me from ever even attempting, but now I'm really only here because I choose to be here, not because I'm forced to be here. I guess it's also a little nice to not care anymore. Nothing really matters.
in the same spot brother. the apathy and lack of survival instinct is real. maybe because you don't really feel anything for your situation or always expect things to stay the same regardless. it really does sound like you want to live if you hope the zoloft works. if zoloft doesn't work, you can always try different medication. i'd have have hope for your situation if you have hope. living just feels so scary sometimes when you feel like you're "failing" at it, or when it seems like other people just want to do it more than you. living is fun because i get to watch movies and hang out with my friends, but living also makes me really sad because of how alone i feel and how boring everything is. it's hard to balance that pain with actually wanting to be alive.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: usernamesarehard and darksouls
CatAstro.Fee

CatAstro.Fee

confused
Jul 5, 2025
10
I don't know if I should be posting this here or in the discussion section. I guess I'm posting this here because there are less people who come here and I don't really want attention, I just want opinions? connection? idk.

I don't WANT to ctb, but somewhat feel like I HAVE to. I've shared my story a lot, so I'm not getting into that. But I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Originally my reason for not wanting to ctb was to try to get back with my ex, I've accepted that's not happening.

Then I wanted to finish school. I can't focus. I don't care about studying. It's hard to retain anything.

I guess I could stay to finish school, get an audit job somewhere away from this city, and then move to a different country once I have enough experience. But I don't really care about that either.

I'm going to talk with my psyc about getting on zoloft with the welbutrin. The welbutrin helps with my energy, but does very little for my mood. I think the zoloft helped a lot with my mood.

I just don't have any real goal that I care about enough to not ctb. I guess part of it is I want something to look forward to. I don't really look forward to seeing my ex when he's ready to be friends. I'll probably still hang out with him, if I do ctb next year then whether I hang out with him or not wouldn't matter. I just have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome is. It would be nice to have some control in my life. I can't control his feelings or actions, I can't control whether I get picked for a job in another state or not, fuck I can't control whether I get an internship to be able to GET an accounting job. But I can control this. It's pretty much one of the only things I can control.

I want to get a calendar to count down the days until November 2026, I want to make all the preparations, I want something to be excited about.

But the more I think about it the more I don't want to ctb. I hope the zoloft works, but if not that's just another reason I want to ctb. I'm depressed and always will be and I'll ruin every relationship I'm in no matter how hard I try not to. I don't WANT to be alone. I know I don't need a partner, but I want one.

I don't have SI anymore. I used to and that stopped me from ever even attempting, but now I'm really only here because I choose to be here, not because I'm forced to be here. I guess it's also a little nice to not care anymore. Nothing really matters.

I feel you about wanting to do stuff but not having motivation. I have lots I want to do but I'm so tired, extremely physically, I think alot of it has to do with not listening to my body and pushing to do things constantly.

I'm sorry you feel so lost. I am too. It's weird because a while ago I had a general idea for things to try and do to get to where I want in life but I'm overwhelmed because there's lots I want to do, I guess it's executive dysfunction. Having too much to do so you freeze and just don't do anything.

I'm sorry you guys haven't gotten back together. I want to too, but they've changed a lot. I think even if they didn't, it still wouldn't have worked out because we have very different stances on things, it's hard to accept because we used to have so much fun. You recognize you can't control their actions though, that's good, I'm still delusional about being able to change them and other people lol.

I don't know your ultimate goal, maybe 'nothing matters' could help you, because you could go about everything entirely different, you could do things you thought you never would, if that makes sense. It could be as simple as dressing like how you always wanted but didn't have the confidence to. I know it's hard because you feel an unshakeable hopelessness and pointlessness, unfortunately I haven't been able to do too much except going out every once in a while or trying new outfits. The only thing I've been good at lately is talking to new people, because years ago I used to NEVER be able to talk to anyone new. Having a chaotic mindset has kind of helped me talk to random people, and while some of them turned out shitty, I met some pretty cool people too, that are genuine or interesting and not just a cookie cut as I find most people are. It also helps me stand up for myself instead of freezing like how I usually do, I was working on that last year, slowly it's becoming an instinct to 'fight' instead of 'flight'.

It really sucks having no control. I honestly have no clue how we can go about it. All my life I have not had control, boundaries pushed, and it ruined a lot of things for me, I am political so it's even worse because I am aware a lot of uneccessary things didn't have to happen if our society was more in tune with caring about others and being more involved with eachother, along with generational trauma and education affecting how everyone is raised. I'm not sure if you're aware of that but wanting to have control could mean you didn't have it growing up and want to feel safe and certain by having it. I struggle with it deeply, it's led me to awful habits and addictions because when I finally had some, I went overboard, but I've also done good things for myself and others because of it.

I don't really want a goal, more like a thing that can just fulfill this empty dreadful feeling consistently. I don't know if you want a job for money or because you genuinely like it, I think if it could help leave your environment, if you think the environment holds you back, go somewhere you feel would be better for you, it's good to do. I want to leave as well because I know my environment holds me back. I know I want to do some form of action for sure, like providing clothing or food for people, I think when therapists suggest 'to do things in your control', they should also suggest helping people because I do care about people deeply and it makes me happy to do things for others, I don't think people realize little things help create change, maybe an art form you think is ugly but someone loves because they relate or it inspires them to do something, or only buying things from mom n pop places.

I'm considering the same thing you are, I don't know how I'm gonna end up, I would like a chance to be my true best self I feel deep inside though. I would like to live a better life than now, when I envision it, I imagine things constantly going on, surrounded by lots of people, having fun with them, nature, resisting, I'm not sure if it will be here or somewhere else considering it's not safe to live here anymore, and it's scary thinking about starting over somewhere completely new. I hope your medication works out for you, I'm not even on any, I'm not sure if they would help because of my environment not changing, at the same time I feel it could help because I am very impulsive and have traits of BPD, Bi-Polar, or god knows what, but it's not fun constantly changing my mind, how I act and bargaining with my feelings / morals constantly.

For now, I just want to rest, that may come at the cost of not continuing college, it's scary but I'm not sure what I have to lose since I already know a lot and have been successful with self-teaching, the only thing I'd be missing out on is community, I'm scared of missing out. (Fomo lol) I'm not sure how much of intuition is healthy and good decisions or hindering growth and new opportunities. I just want something new. That's all I know. Something new, some rest and time to decide, and a safe space. God. No one should have to feel this way. I genuinely hope things get better for you.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: usernamesarehard
usernamesarehard

usernamesarehard

Life sucks and then you die
Dec 22, 2021
238
I feel you about wanting to do stuff but not having motivation. I have lots I want to do but I'm so tired, extremely physically, I think alot of it has to do with not listening to my body and pushing to do things constantly.

I'm sorry you feel so lost. I am too. It's weird because a while ago I had a general idea for things to try and do to get to where I want in life but I'm overwhelmed because there's lots I want to do, I guess it's executive dysfunction. Having too much to do so you freeze and just don't do anything.
I get this, I try to be hyper productive too. It usually results in me not doing anything or feeling bad about what little I do get done, because I always want to get more done. I try to set more 'reasonable' goals, but trying to stay focused and productive for 14-16hrs just isn't reasonable. ATP I'm just telling myself that any progress on what I'm working on is good and there are just going to be days I don't feel like working. Doesn't take away the guilt or anything, though. But at least I'm not giving up because I didn't do as much as I wanted.
I'm sorry you guys haven't gotten back together. I want to too, but they've changed a lot. I think even if they didn't, it still wouldn't have worked out because we have very different stances on things, it's hard to accept because we used to have so much fun. You recognize you can't control their actions though, that's good, I'm still delusional about being able to change them and other people lol.
Thank you, I'm sorry you're going through the same thing too. Yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow.
I don't know your ultimate goal, maybe 'nothing matters' could help you, because you could go about everything entirely different, you could do things you thought you never would, if that makes sense. It could be as simple as dressing like how you always wanted but didn't have the confidence to. I know it's hard because you feel an unshakeable hopelessness and pointlessness, unfortunately I haven't been able to do too much except going out every once in a while or trying new outfits. The only thing I've been good at lately is talking to new people, because years ago I used to NEVER be able to talk to anyone new. Having a chaotic mindset has kind of helped me talk to random people, and while some of them turned out shitty, I met some pretty cool people too, that are genuine or interesting and not just a cookie cut as I find most people are. It also helps me stand up for myself instead of freezing like how I usually do, I was working on that last year, slowly it's becoming an instinct to 'fight' instead of 'flight'.
I had a similar idea too at one point in time. The idea that if nothing mattered then I should just do whatever I want (in terms of things that would make me happier) because at the end of the day, nothing matters. I am working on getting better, but I don' t think that thought helped all that much.
It really sucks having no control. I honestly have no clue how we can go about it. All my life I have not had control, boundaries pushed, and it ruined a lot of things for me, I am political so it's even worse because I am aware a lot of uneccessary things didn't have to happen if our society was more in tune with caring about others and being more involved with eachother, along with generational trauma and education affecting how everyone is raised. I'm not sure if you're aware of that but wanting to have control could mean you didn't have it growing up and want to feel safe and certain by having it. I struggle with it deeply, it's led me to awful habits and addictions because when I finally had some, I went overboard, but I've also done good things for myself and others because of it.
Does anyone really have control growing up? I don't think I had any less control than the average person. I couldn't choose what school I went to, where we lived, where we moved, if we moved. I think these are all pretty standard things.
I don't really want a goal, more like a thing that can just fulfill this empty dreadful feeling consistently.
Maybe having some type of goal would help? My main goal is to study as much as possible and work on school work so I can get my degree asap. Having something to focus on helps. Or at least I can ignore my feelings for a bit. You know what's best for you though. Just thought I'd share my experience.
I don't know if you want a job for money or because you genuinely like it, I think if it could help leave your environment, if you think the environment holds you back, go somewhere you feel would be better for you, it's good to do.
It's more about having opportunities to be able to leave. Because I'm going into accounting I'll probably make more money, idk if I'll actually like the job or not, but I guess that doesn't really matter, most people don't like their jobs anyway. I'm not really doing it for the money or because I think the job will be more enjoyable, I just want to be able to have a chance to move somewhere else. My job right now is fine and pays ok, but I can't move out of the city because anything outside of the city is super expensive and while my job pays ok, it definitely isn't enough to pay for a house in the suburbs alone.
I want to leave as well because I know my environment holds me back.
I hope you're able to leave as well. Feeling like you're trapped in a place isn't fun.
I know I want to do some form of action for sure, like providing clothing or food for people, I think when therapists suggest 'to do things in your control', they should also suggest helping people because I do care about people deeply and it makes me happy to do things for others, I don't think people realize little things help create change, maybe an art form you think is ugly but someone loves because they relate or it inspires them to do something, or only buying things from mom n pop places.
I have thought about being a volunteer at an animal shelter. I like dogs and want one, but simply don't have the space to get one right now. Idk if I will, though.
I'm considering the same thing you are, I don't know how I'm gonna end up, I would like a chance to be my true best self I feel deep inside though. I would like to live a better life than now, when I envision it, I imagine things constantly going on, surrounded by lots of people, having fun with them, nature, resisting, I'm not sure if it will be here or somewhere else considering it's not safe to live here anymore, and it's scary thinking about starting over somewhere completely new. I hope your medication works out for you, I'm not even on any, I'm not sure if they would help because of my environment not changing, at the same time I feel it could help because I am very impulsive and have traits of BPD, Bi-Polar, or god knows what, but it's not fun constantly changing my mind, how I act and bargaining with my feelings / morals constantly.
Yeah, the idea of just packing your bags and leaving is a scary one. So many people do it and say to just pack a bag and move if you don't like where you're at, but I just don't know how they have that kind of bravery.
For now, I just want to rest, that may come at the cost of not continuing college, it's scary but I'm not sure what I have to lose since I already know a lot and have been successful with self-teaching, the only thing I'd be missing out on is community, I'm scared of missing out. (Fomo lol) I'm not sure how much of intuition is healthy and good decisions or hindering growth and new opportunities.
If you're good at self teaching and the only reason you're in college is for community, maybe you could just go to one of the online competency-based colleges and then just be a volunteer at a homeless shelter. Having a degree, especially an in demand degree gives you access to a lot of opportunities. That's really the only reason I'm going back to college. I've been using an app called Meetup, if you're in the U.S. it's a really good way to see group events happening in your area, idk how useful it is outside the us though. But it is possible that being in college is a really good way to meet people and have community. It was suggested to me to go to community college because it might help me make connections.
I just want something new. That's all I know. Something new, some rest and time to decide, and a safe space. God. No one should have to feel this way. I genuinely hope things get better for you.
If you have the money, maybe you could go on a month long road trip? That's what I'm doing and it'll give you all of that. I understand if that's not possible though. I'm planning it out now and I think abnbs alone are going to cost ~2k. I think with the cost of food, gas, fees, ect, I'll probably have to budget at least 4k for the trip.

I don't really know if things are getting better or if they're going to. I've decided to take a month long trip next year, so that gives me something to look forward to. I've also decided to not ctb until late 2027. I'll only do that though if certain conditions aren't met (ie I get a boyfiend or get out of this city, which maybe the first reason is kinda dumb, but eh).
 
istherehope

istherehope

Member
Jul 8, 2025
35
I don't want to but I can't see a way out either. And I used to be happy and to have a good life.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: usernamesarehard

Similar threads

a-fond-farewell
Replies
5
Views
390
Suicide Discussion
moonlightbeach
moonlightbeach
KimDokja
Replies
6
Views
330
Offtopic
KimDokja
KimDokja
F
Replies
8
Views
405
Suicide Discussion
FadeToBlack1109
F