Abandoned Phantom
Member
- Oct 3, 2025
- 59
I hate this world! I hate who I am! It's small, but I'm tired of being the shoulder that my mom leans on. It's draining, but she needs someone to lean on. (She can't lean on her husband, he's the main problem in her life. I'm not going to get into it if anyone asks. Not abusive, or anything that I would need to call law enforcement about.)
I was planning to CTB this coming saturday. I have everything I need. I've got my gun, my goodbye letters, and all the other stuff that I want people to have. But now it's so real. It's no longer a fantasy. And now that it is real, I'm having second thoughts. I still want to do it, but now I'm worried about the unimagineable pain that I'll be putting my family and friends through. The obscene trauma that my suicide will bring! Is my misery really so bad that I want to dispense of untold misery on others? Living for other people is not the way to live my life. But I worry about the pain I'm going to cause. It is taking what's left of my shattered mind, and beating it over the rocks, knowing how much pain they would have to go through. I've soaked countless towels with tears, yet not a single drop is for me.
There are times, like right now, that I wish nobody cared about me. (This is coming from a person who has people who care about him. To those out there who don't, I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to diminish the nature of it. I truly don't know what its like, so maybe its waaay worse than I'm picturing.) It would make it so much easier if I didn't have to worry about hurting people who care about me. What a curse right? (He says sarcastically.)
I was planning to CTB this coming saturday. I have everything I need. I've got my gun, my goodbye letters, and all the other stuff that I want people to have. But now it's so real. It's no longer a fantasy. And now that it is real, I'm having second thoughts. I still want to do it, but now I'm worried about the unimagineable pain that I'll be putting my family and friends through. The obscene trauma that my suicide will bring! Is my misery really so bad that I want to dispense of untold misery on others? Living for other people is not the way to live my life. But I worry about the pain I'm going to cause. It is taking what's left of my shattered mind, and beating it over the rocks, knowing how much pain they would have to go through. I've soaked countless towels with tears, yet not a single drop is for me.
There are times, like right now, that I wish nobody cared about me. (This is coming from a person who has people who care about him. To those out there who don't, I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to diminish the nature of it. I truly don't know what its like, so maybe its waaay worse than I'm picturing.) It would make it so much easier if I didn't have to worry about hurting people who care about me. What a curse right? (He says sarcastically.)
