Venting I don't want my family to help me.

[alwayspissedoff]

why, why do they have to care for me? why do they gotta treat me like i'm a fucking child? I know I'm a fucking loser who wouldn't survive without them, but I don't deserve that.

why do they gotta care about me drinking? why do they gotta care about me possibly doing sh? why do they want me to "come out more" and speak with them or other people, if it's just gonna be fucking normie small talk that I HATE.
why do they gotta force me to keep going to the fucking psychiatrist when one of the meds he gave me quite literally caused me a very bad allergic reaction, with rash and fucking sickness.
why do they want me to go back to therapy, to have someone pretend to care about me, and force me to vent stuff that I don't want to, and to mask my fucking way out of there.

I wish I was competent enough to not be fucking studying right now for a degree that is probably gonna leave me jobless for a while or earning miserable wages, get a full time job, and get the fuck out of here asap to ctb in peace, without worrying about them stopping me or whatever.
I really should not have been born. I was a mistake. now I'm waiting to have a psychotic attack and slit my throat or smth so I can just die right here, instead of waiting to be able to do an actual method.

the worst part is that I know I'm a piece of shit for thinking this way. how many people would give everything to have a family that cares about them? yet this fucker whines about having them. I really should not have been born.

 

[Lamentice]

the worst part is that I know I'm a piece of shit for thinking this way. how many people would give everything to have a family that cares about them? yet this fucker whines about having them.

The resentment is valid when the way they're "helping" is by not really witnessing you and instead assuming what is best for you without listening to or knowing you. There is a patronizing, disrespectful arrogance to being forced into treatments and systems that don't work and exhaust you because the people "helping" won't stop and see you as a person and acknowledge realities and truths that make them profoundly uncomfortable. You don't have to appreciate their "help" if it's not helping you.

 

[alwayspissedoff]

The resentment is valid when the way they're "helping" is by not really witnessing you and instead assuming what is best for you without listening to or knowing you. There is a patronizing, disrespectful arrogance to being forced into treatments and systems that don't work and exhaust you because the people "helping" won't stop and see you as a person and acknowledge realities and truths that make them profoundly uncomfortable. You don't have to appreciate their "help" if it's not helping you.

thanks for the reply. at this point I am just sure I can't be helped and I should be left to die. the "help" that is available is completely incompatible with me. I don't even know at this point if I even wanna be helped, for sure I don't deserve it.
I just want everything to end.

 

[Lamentice]

the "help" that is available is completely incompatible with me. I don't even know at this point if I even wanna be helped

I feel it, but this is one of those truths other humans can't hear because it makes them uncomfortable, nonetheless it is just the reality. Choosing death is incomprehensible to them, even when it is the most peaceful and humane option. They'd rather force their way onto you and watch you suffer in willful oblivion.

 

[makotoyuki]

Hola,buenas (creo que eras mexicano si no me equivoco,por lo que creo que no hay problema en responderte en español,perdon si no es así)

Te entiendo en el sentimiento de que se preocupen por uno y lo traten como un niño,en mi caso fue de manera muy obsesiva por cosas que hice y sufrí hasta casi llegar a la adultez,tambien no sobrevira sin ellos aunque me gustaría que no fuera así,si no fuera por las crisis y el estado actual de mi pais

En el punto donde dices que les preocupa que bebas,me pasa igual,desde el año pasado todos los fines de semana,bebo whisky,gin o aperitivos,para escuchar musica,llorar y salir de la realidad toda la madrugada.

Salir lamentablemente,es poco favorable si quieres pasarla bien,debes viajar lejos,para ver a gente que tal vez ni les caigas bien.

En mi caso,yo iba al psiquiatra 2 veces por semana,haciendo un viaje de casi 1 hora,solo para fingir que todo estaba bien,para no levantar sospechas ni alarmas,que me den unas pastillas y listo,nos vemos la semana que viene asi hasta que abandone por pandemia,igual que a ti si tuve reacciones alergias,dependencia y problemas por la medicacion,en especial el malestar,andar como si tuviera una mochila de 10 kilos en la espalda.

Cuando iba a terapia sentía mucha presión en que vean que "mejoraba" hasta que me cansaba de fingir y abandonaba,volví a terapia,en 3 ocasiones luego de dejar al psiquiatra,solo 1 supo manejar y aconsejarme de buena manera,y le preocupo todo lo que pase por mi preadolescencia y adolescencia,tristemente es dificil conseguir un buen terapeuta.

Perdón,aun pienso en redactar mi historia,tal vez lo entenderás luego.