I wrote this yesterday but could not post it because the forum was down. I add an update of my day at the end.
I am just so sick of it. At my last clinic stay the highest doctor told me I should not be in a clinc. I would be feeling too good for that and that there is no real chance to improve my condition. Other patients told me though my descriptions of my inner feelings sound for them like their personal rock bottom.
My life seems to fall apart. The health of my mom seems to deteriorate and without her help I could never manage college. Further in case she becoms a nursing case I had to her help instead. To keep going like that seems meaningless for me. In case she has to be hospitalized the next 4 weeks would be a good time spot to kill myself. I tried so fucking much to recover. I had 7 clinic stays in the last years, tried over 20 different medication and had 3 psychotherapies. So as this doctor said my condition does not seem to improve. I rather think a decline is way more likely in the future.
I have difficult decisions to make. I could keep going to plan my suicide. Though this increases my depressive feelings a lot. I ruminated several hours yesterday before I could fall asleep. Furthermore I needed an addictive sleeping pill in order to sleep and I should stop taking them otherwise I become an addict. Planning my suicide makes it harder to sleep for me.
On the other hand I could try to ignore the deterioration of my mom's health. But honestly she looks like a complete mess and very fragile. She would need an appointment at a doctor but they said they have no time for her. Well we are fucked. I am running out of options and I don't know what to do.
The situation is so hopeless. Earlier I described that there is no alternative to suicide for me in case my mom dies. I mean the following. If my mom dies my life quality will decrease significantly and a big reason for living will be gone. The decision is between committing suicide inside my apartment, in privacy and with the things I love. Further with a peaceful method available. Or on the other hand watching the house of cards falling apart and risking the potential I might end up homeless. I could very well imagine my will to live will decline very fast after her death. In the first weeks as I said my suicide could be planned way more comfortably. Instead if I wait too long I might have to put my neck on the rail track if my apartment is gone. (no option to order SN without an address).
I really don't know what to do. Currently I am very depressive before and after I sleep. At afternoon I have the best mood. The forum helps me a lot recently but it is so often down. All options seem to be pretty bad. The worst seems to yet to come for me though.
Here is the update: I could sleep better. But I have issues to leave my bed. Today I chose to run away from my problems and do escapsim. I bought me something online to distract me from my misery. My mom seems like she improved a little bit. But honestly everything could easily go into the other direction very fast. I am invited to a party tomorrow. I don't know many people there and my social awkwardness could be very unpleasant for me. It could be pretty detrimental for my well being but many people claim social interactions in real life were important. Moreover I like the person who invited me. I don't know whether I am able to act like I was not going through a lot of pain tomorrow. The day was better than expected but I think the sleep was decisive. It was a little bit of luck that I slept better though this usally does not repeat it all the time when I am this depressed.
I am just so sick of it. At my last clinic stay the highest doctor told me I should not be in a clinc. I would be feeling too good for that and that there is no real chance to improve my condition. Other patients told me though my descriptions of my inner feelings sound for them like their personal rock bottom.
My life seems to fall apart. The health of my mom seems to deteriorate and without her help I could never manage college. Further in case she becoms a nursing case I had to her help instead. To keep going like that seems meaningless for me. In case she has to be hospitalized the next 4 weeks would be a good time spot to kill myself. I tried so fucking much to recover. I had 7 clinic stays in the last years, tried over 20 different medication and had 3 psychotherapies. So as this doctor said my condition does not seem to improve. I rather think a decline is way more likely in the future.
I have difficult decisions to make. I could keep going to plan my suicide. Though this increases my depressive feelings a lot. I ruminated several hours yesterday before I could fall asleep. Furthermore I needed an addictive sleeping pill in order to sleep and I should stop taking them otherwise I become an addict. Planning my suicide makes it harder to sleep for me.
On the other hand I could try to ignore the deterioration of my mom's health. But honestly she looks like a complete mess and very fragile. She would need an appointment at a doctor but they said they have no time for her. Well we are fucked. I am running out of options and I don't know what to do.
The situation is so hopeless. Earlier I described that there is no alternative to suicide for me in case my mom dies. I mean the following. If my mom dies my life quality will decrease significantly and a big reason for living will be gone. The decision is between committing suicide inside my apartment, in privacy and with the things I love. Further with a peaceful method available. Or on the other hand watching the house of cards falling apart and risking the potential I might end up homeless. I could very well imagine my will to live will decline very fast after her death. In the first weeks as I said my suicide could be planned way more comfortably. Instead if I wait too long I might have to put my neck on the rail track if my apartment is gone. (no option to order SN without an address).
I really don't know what to do. Currently I am very depressive before and after I sleep. At afternoon I have the best mood. The forum helps me a lot recently but it is so often down. All options seem to be pretty bad. The worst seems to yet to come for me though.
Here is the update: I could sleep better. But I have issues to leave my bed. Today I chose to run away from my problems and do escapsim. I bought me something online to distract me from my misery. My mom seems like she improved a little bit. But honestly everything could easily go into the other direction very fast. I am invited to a party tomorrow. I don't know many people there and my social awkwardness could be very unpleasant for me. It could be pretty detrimental for my well being but many people claim social interactions in real life were important. Moreover I like the person who invited me. I don't know whether I am able to act like I was not going through a lot of pain tomorrow. The day was better than expected but I think the sleep was decisive. It was a little bit of luck that I slept better though this usally does not repeat it all the time when I am this depressed.
