Venting I don't wanna hurt my family

[cupcakesandmilk]

I know I've whined about this before on here, but man, what do I say? I always thought I was a spoilt brat who never cared about or appreciated their parents' love and care, or even cared about them to begin with... but the more I think about CTB now, the more guilty I feel.

I really don't wanna take away their happy lives. I know my mom would never get over it if I committed. I don't even know if I should feel happy that I'm finally showing care from within me or sad that I'm being such a horrible child for even considering such a thing... I don't even know what I should write in my note because I don't even have a "story." I can't write anything that would ease their pain; even if I do manage to write something, what difference will that make? What if my mum or dad make an attempt on their life after I die? My sister is already struggling with her own issues; does she really need me to add myself to the weight she carries? None of these people deserved to have a leech like me in their lives, and I did nothing to deserve them either... It's unfair how there are people in this world who never even get to see their families, and then there are assholes like me.

A part of me is waiting for them to leave the house so that I can slit my wrist, and another part of me just wants to stick around and self-sabotage for long enough to "justify" my decision... Fuck me.

 

[destinationlosangel]

Since u have a loving family, I think u should reconsider. Take some time out for urself and think long and hard. I'm only saying this because from what ur saying, ur family seems lovely.

Me and many others here, on the other hand, have issues with our own families which sorta makes the decision to ctb easier i guess. But even then, as long as other factors such as money and health are ok, i think that could also give some motivation to live.

So basically, think it thru mate

 

[Endisclose]

I know I've whined about this before on here, but man, what do I say? I always thought I was a spoilt brat who never cared about or appreciated their parents' love and care, or even cared about them to begin with... but the more I think about CTB now, the more guilty I feel.

I really don't wanna take away their happy lives. I know my mom would never get over it if I committed. I don't even know if I should feel happy that I'm finally showing care from within me or sad that I'm being such a horrible child for even considering such a thing... I don't even know what I should write in my note because I don't even have a "story." I can't write anything that would ease their pain; even if I do manage to write something, what difference will that make? What if my mum or dad make an attempt on their life after I die? My sister is already struggling with her own issues; does she really need me to add myself to the weight she carries? None of these people deserved to have a leech like me in their lives, and I did nothing to deserve them either... It's unfair how there are people in this world who never even get to see their families, and then there are assholes like me.

A part of me is waiting for them to leave the house so that I can slit my wrist, and another part of me just wants to stick around and self-sabotage for long enough to "justify" my decision... Fuck me.

Do you mind if I ask you why you want to ctb? I surmise from the NEET thread that you must be pretty young.. I have made some posts and shared some resources on that thread that I believe you should find helpful.. I used to be really suicidal at 20..21 while in college from ptsd and bipolar symptoms.. A few years after failing at being able to work steadily, I said fuck it and started engaging only on things I liked, I knew I wasn't gonna last long so why not do what I liked, so I read literature, saw a lot of art films and listened to hindustani music..

Over a period of time, I had absorbed so much as to acquire some art from all these fields within me. I made 3 short films which were appreciated by people knowledgeable about cinema, I've written a bunch of literary short stories. I was planning on writing a novel. Listening to Pandit Bhimsen Joshi over the years, I had internalised a lot of ragas from hearing them over and over again. I joined hindustani classes a few years ago and in a matter of 3 years my voice had improved and I was able to sing freestyle alaap in several ragas something I couldn't have imagined at 21.

I had attended a course on rational inquiry and with the principles I learned, I kept jotting down my observations on these art forms and soon enough, I was able to get a proper conception of these art forms from their overall structure to minute intricacies. Rational inquiry helped me to accumulate knowledge in that way. You have a loving family, if you forgive me saying so, there is no pressing need for you to ctb at the moment.. If you have anxieties about having access to means to ctb, I am willing to address those in pm..

I was really lost and suicidal when I was 21. I went through a period of free exploration where I did find myself. Unfortunately for the thoughtless actions of some people I trusted and a stroke of really bad luck and losing my mom one and a half months ago, I find myself shortly before ctb.. I wish I could pass on the learnings from my mistakes, share resources that I would have found helpful to young people so that they can have a better chance at life and finding fulfillment.