Although my past makes me think I'm a horrible person, I do try to be good. I love my friends to death. I've lost a cousin in their teen years, my childhood friend when he was a kid, and more recently a friend who was like a brother to me passing rather young as well. I think people who have lost people very close to them understand the value in friends where those who haven't grieved a friend from death…simply don't. I love way too hard. I understand that there will never be a friend like that for me. I give gifts to my friends randomly because I simply thought about them. I message them every day making sure they are taken care of and are okay. I'm their therapist friend. It makes me feel needed so I don't mind too much. I remember every little detail about them and want to make all my friends lives so much easier. But here's the thing. They aren't and never will be like me as a friend. And I hate that. But I know that's just how my life goes. My love language is Feeling Heard. I want my friends to listen and remember things about me…what I would give to have a friend remember my birthday…(glad they don't because I want to ctb on that day and they can't stop me lol). I want a friend who randomly thinks of me and messages me asking how I'm doing without wanting something in return. I want a friend who doesn't need me but that wants me. I want to be wanted. I want a friend who likes me for me and not the things I do for them. I know I'm needed in their lives because I provide a lot of good for them. I go out of my way to make my friends lives easier…but no one does that for me. Which is good tbh cos I know how unhealthy that is. But I can't stop. I want my friends to always feel appreciated by me. But for once…just ONCE I want to feel appreciated and loved by them and I don't. I also opened up to them about my problems and it's a pattern that they start acting weird after I do. The energy isn't the same. The only reason I KNOW they are all using me is because not once have they asked me about me. They don't ask about my interests. They don't listen to my stories. They simply don't like me. But they like what I do for them. I know this is all my fault. I have to stop being so nice. But me losing friends at such young ages to death makes it impossible to not go above and beyond for all my friends, even if they all make me feel like shit 99% of the time. I just wish they wanted me and not needed me. But hey at least I'm needed. Doesn't matter anyways. I'm gonna tell them I'm going on vacation near my birthday and not letting them know where because I actually don't know where. When I ctb on my birthday I'll find out where my vacation lies. They won't even care. Oh well.
Tragoedia Vitae
Experienced
- Oct 14, 2018
- 230
I'm sorry to hear that - those people don't sound like good friends at all if they're that indifferent toward you. I understand the feeling of having unbalanced, draining friendships that are fundamentally lonely. I've pretty much given up on those people - if I'm going to be lonely either way, I might as well do it alone.
Life is too short and fleeting; you deserve to have friends who truly care about you and your joys and sorrows.
Life is too short and fleeting; you deserve to have friends who truly care about you and your joys and sorrows.
Ampsvx123
Student
- Jul 10, 2018
- 128
We are all overwhelmed, with life sick hearts and bad friends, don't ever take that stuff personally. People finds comfort in silence, it is a bother to move and plan and do, let em rest in their blankets, their deathbed if they feel like it.
a_carbon_based_life
I deserve peace
- Aug 16, 2023
- 43
Thank you for telling us your story and letting us listen to you. It wasn't until this year that I found a friend that seemed to actually like me for me and not just what I did for them. I wish I knew the secret to finding more people like that for both our sakes. You deserve to be supported and understood and heard and I know there are people out there who can and would love to give that to you. I hope that at very least your birthday will end peacefully
Thank you for listening to my story and replying! It's more than what my irl friends have done. I hope my birthday is finally peaceful too. I have months to prepare so at least there's something to look forward to!
ManByTheRiver
Bliss
- Oct 19, 2023
- 104
I'm sorry you have friends that are like me, It's hard for me to remember people exist when I'm in the full swing of things. I might not message my friends in half a year, or a year, but I still appreciate them more than anything.
I totally get that people don't understand loss unless they lost someone themselves. It sucks! People only understand when it happens to them as well. I lost my best friend/bf almost 6 months ago now. He was my only friend who enjoyed being with me without needing anything in return. Truly special and I miss him everyday. Finding those kind of people are extremely hard these days. I don't even want to look for new friends. Either I stay living alone or I ctb. I'm choosing the second option, just have to find my method of going out. I just hope I get to see him again soon once it's all over.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand how horrible it is to lose such valuable people in your lives. My more recent friend death was like my brother and he was such an Angel on earth. Would treat me how I treated him. Beautiful. And the world took him away from me too. It will forever hurt. I'm sorry again for your loss.
This is a point of view that I needed to hear because maybe it's their depression from stopping them from making me feel loved. Thanks for the pov.
