Help I don't think suicide is the solution you think it is, but I might do it anyway (and last years hanging attempt)

[25menrunning]

The thing about suicide is it isn't relief. It's hard to really explain it, but it's just nothing. I suffer in pain, but if I died, that pain would be the last thing I ever felt. There wouldn't be a chance that I'd go on to get the job I dream of, keep my relationship with my sister, escape my abusive family, find joy even with the backdrop of depression and trauma. But there's such a fear that that reality will never become the reality, and I'm exhausted. I wake up every morning so tired. I browse this website. I don't feel like I have it in me to put in the work to make the life I want and to endure the years before I get closer to that reality.

I was a suicidal 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc. When I was younger, I had this warped perception of death as ultimate relief, as escape. But if I die, if an attempt even killed me instead of leaving my life more messed up then it already is (brain damage terrifies me the most, I'm honestly ok with an attempt that won't lead to brain damage but as someone that has brain damage I don't want more). I miss when I had that idea of death, because I realize now that it's no escape and it's no relief, I'll hurt those around me and for what? The logical answer is to keep going, grind it out, wait for it to happen anyway because I'll die no matter what whether it's now or when I'm much much older. I don't have it in me to keep fighting. I miss back when I had that naive understanding of death as relief. It's not.

A year ago, I attempted suicide by hanging. I've done plenty of mini 'attempts' but this was the proper one. Anyone here that says it isn't painful is wrong. I still have PTSD from it. I remember my surivial instinct kicking in, I remember the mounting pressure in my head and excrutiating pain on my neck, I remember flailing about and accepting that I was going to die. It's what I wanted, and now the decision was done. But I survived. If I had died, the last thing I ever would have felt is that mounting pressure in my head, that pain, that panic. How is that a resolve to my story?

Unfortunatley, I know not of a true resolve. Every time my mother gets bad, when she screams, when I have panic attacks, I go back to that. I want to die, but I want to live. A few days ago, I walked out to the train tracks nearby my house after a bad fight, using the motivation that pain gave me to actually do something. The camera obviously noticed me and the trains started inching along and blaring their horns at me, and I left, because they wouldn't have killed me. I'm terrified of living this life, but death is no answer, and I hate that, because I want an answer. I want an easy way out. I'm too tired. I guess I just have to wait until I have the life I want. But I'm scared I'll kill myself in a fit of pain before that, or worse, attempt again and end up brain damaged or paralyzed or an amputee. I'm constantly back and forth as to whether or not I'll kill myself. Neither option is a good one. I'm just tired, I want the world to stop, I want to be able to live away from these people without going homeless, I want to know that things will be ok. I wish I could go back in time and stop the abuse that I faced but I can't. I wish there was a way to go out where if it did not work I wouldn't end up fucked for life. But there isn't. And that sucks.

Death isn't the miracle cure some of you seem to think it is. It isn't peace, it isn't releif. Releif and peace are feelings. Feelings require you being alive. I don't want my life to end on this note. But I don't want ot keep on living. I miss the naivety of how I viewed death. But it's naive. And it just sucks, I guess. It really sucks.
Deleting this post in a few days, hope I can get some advice or someone responds or something

 

[purebliss]

First.
Nobody here thinks it is a "miracle cure". And it is very arrogant to think that we all are under the assumption that it is a "cure" to anything.


Most of us here are fully aware that actions have consequences. That our attempts might fail and that it will lead to even greater suffering then before.
It never has been a "cure" from the very beginning. It is a "Final Solution to a permanent problem" for some us here.

At the risk of sounding arrogant myself now, I think most people here have circumstantial problems that are resolvable.
A lost love. Addiction. Unemployment. Craving warmth of another. Homelessness.
All things that could potentially be "fixed".
But there are also cases like mine that had everything, no reason to feel bad at all, and still suffer under the most crushing sadness one can imagine.

And yet. Every single one of us knows exactly that there is no "cure" in death.
It is a solution. And that is all.
For some a permanent solution to a temporary problem
And for some a final solution to a permanent problem

That is all there is to it.

---

Now, with that being said.
If you want to die peacefully, with as little pain as possible and as little fear of death as possible then you have to sadly go the extra mile like I did.

Order SN. Get yourself onto DH and order Flualprazolam or just plain alprazolam.
Lie to your doctor about "genetic nausea" and get metoclopramid.
And when it's all done and ready fast fast for 2 days and take the recommended dosage of SN to find a somewhat peaceful death.
Please please please educate yourself at the available resources here!
A death can be painful yes, but a death that is painful because of lack of research is even more sad.

I so very much would like to point you to a site that sells Nembutal but those are sadly almost always scams.

---

I can't take your pain away. I can't feel your pain and I won't even try to pretend that I can feel what you feel. Everyone's suffering is different. Everyone bleeds differently.
But I would love for you to suffer as little as possible before you go

I would even more love for you to find your way back on the right track if you do not suffer under an inherent suicide drive as well.
Whatever way you choose.
I hope you can find your true bliss eventually

 

[Forever Sleep]

Passive ideation can feel peaceful though. For decades, I've reassured myself that if things became too awful in life- there was (hopefully) a way out.

Death for me represents an end to trying/ effort. Life requires constant effort and I'm exhausted of it all. While I may not actually experience relaxation after death- just the thought of no longer having to try, to fight to stay afloat- is blissful.

Of course- active ideation is different. That's deeply troubling for me.

 

[Aflame5926]

I so very much would like to point you to a site that sells Nembutal but those are sadly almost always scams.

there are some legit ones then? i only saw scams

 

[purebliss]

there are some legit ones then? i only saw scams

Well. The only legit confirmed "resource" is you going to Peru and buying it in a pet shop. Where you get extremely easy access to Nembutal.
Sold under a different name, though.

 

[Aflame5926]

Well. The only legit confirmed "resource" is you going to Peru and buying it in a pet shop. Where you get extremely easy access to Nembutal.
Sold under a different name, though.

ok i thought there might have been an online seller that i didnt knew about. but yeah this answer was basicly the one i expected. freaking scrams.
hope they die in a fire or something

 

[purebliss]

ok i thought there might have been an online seller that i didnt knew about. but yeah this answer was basicly the one i expected. freaking scrams.
hope they die in a fire or something

Well
There is a seller.

That guy is on Osiris.
Has a lot of good reviews and seems legit overall.

I take the bullet and pay 40 euro for a Gram and will report back and also report him to nembutalscams.com if he scammed me.

But if he is legit... then me and my partner can get the best way out of this hellhole possible

 

[25menrunning]

First.
Nobody here thinks it is a "miracle cure". And it is very arrogant to think that we all are under the assumption that it is a "cure" to anything.


Most of us here are fully aware that actions have consequences. That our attempts might fail and that it will lead to even greater suffering then before.
It never has been a "cure" from the very beginning. It is a "Final Solution to a permanent problem" for some us here.

At the risk of sounding arrogant myself now, I think most people here have circumstantial problems that are resolvable.
A lost love. Addiction. Unemployment. Craving warmth of another. Homelessness.
All things that could potentially be "fixed".
But there are also cases like mine that had everything, no reason to feel bad at all, and still suffer under the most crushing sadness one can imagine.

And yet. Every single one of us knows exactly that there is no "cure" in death.
It is a solution. And that is all.
For some a permanent solution to a temporary problem
And for some a final solution to a permanent problem

That is all there is to it.

---

Now, with that being said.
If you want to die peacefully, with as little pain as possible and as little fear of death as possible then you have to sadly go the extra mile like I did.

Order SN. Get yourself onto DH and order Flualprazolam or just plain alprazolam.
Lie to your doctor about "genetic nausea" and get metoclopramid.
And when it's all done and ready fast fast for 2 days and take the recommended dosage of SN to find a somewhat peaceful death.
Please please please educate yourself at the available resources here!
A death can be painful yes, but a death that is painful because of lack of research is even more sad.

I so very much would like to point you to a site that sells Nembutal but those are sadly almost always scams.

---

I can't take your pain away. I can't feel your pain and I won't even try to pretend that I can feel what you feel. Everyone's suffering is different. Everyone bleeds differently.
But I would love for you to suffer as little as possible before you go

I would even more love for you to find your way back on the right track if you do not suffer under an inherent suicide drive as well.
Whatever way you choose.
I hope you can find your true bliss eventually

I guess I just can't understand why you think it's a solution that would help? Like again, I enjoyed back when I thought it was, it meant that there was always an option out. I stuck around because I did not want to harm others, but I thought it was the perfect option except for that. But if I die, there will be no 'me', no 'me' to feel relief, happiness, fuffilment, really anything. It will not be that my suffering has stopped, there will just be no one there at all. I want my suffering to stop. I want life to be easier. In order for my suffering to stop, there needs to be a person to experience an absence of suffering.

I miss that mindset. Because my suicidality now is only either in ambivilance, mixed with this realization and wanting to live, or in a panic attack where I am not thinking clearly. I simply do not think having an accurate understanding of death is compatible with thinking that suicide is at all a good option. Sure, every other option sucks, but it's just another option that sucks. I don't want this suffering to be the last thing I feel. I don't want my life to end as someone who experienced abuse. I don't want my story to be rewritten by my family to prove that they were right and I was crazy. No option is good. If I could have the good life, if I could be successful, I would want that. As a child, I thought I was simply incompatible with life, that no matter what life was like I wouldn't want it. But I don't think you can believe that and truly understand death. Death comes for us all. The ideal, even if we find life weird and unenjoyable, even if we are tired, is to live the best we can and then wait for the day where it is done. No matter what we do, that day will one day come.

Also, I have no idea how to access SN. The chemical vendors only sell to companies.

 

[purebliss]

I guess I just can't understand why you think it's a solution that would help? Like again, I enjoyed back when I thought it was, it meant that there was always an option out. I stuck around because I did not want to harm others, but I thought it was the perfect option except for that. But if I die, there will be no 'me', no 'me' to feel relief, happiness, fuffilment, really anything. It will not be that my suffering has stopped, there will just be no one there at all. I want my suffering to stop. I want life to be easier. In order for my suffering to stop, there needs to be a person to experience an absence of suffering.

I miss that mindset. Because my suicidality now is only either in ambivilance, mixed with this realization and wanting to live, or in a panic attack where I am not thinking clearly. I simply do not think having an accurate understanding of death is compatible with thinking that suicide is at all a good option. Sure, every other option sucks, but it's just another option that sucks. I don't want this suffering to be the last thing I feel. I don't want my life to end as someone who experienced abuse. I don't want my story to be rewritten by my family to prove that they were right and I was crazy. No option is good. If I could have the good life, if I could be successful, I would want that. As a child, I thought I was simply incompatible with life, that no matter what life was like I wouldn't want it. But I don't think you can believe that and truly understand death. Death comes for us all. The ideal, even if we find life weird and unenjoyable, even if we are tired, is to live the best we can and then wait for the day where it is done. No matter what we do, that day will one day come.

Also, I have no idea how to access SN. The chemical vendors only sell to companies.

You can't and won't know. Nobody who died came back to tell us how it is on the other side. Who says there is not another "you" there?
What if there is only happiness on the other side? Or what if there is even more suffering on the other side?
Nobody. And that is an objective fact. Nobody knows what is on the other side.
You don't know if there will be absence of suffering there or not.

If you want to suffer, so be it. If you want to live, so be it. While it is unclear what is on the other side, your suffering on this side is sadly clear.
If you do not like the specific type of suffering that is death, then that is also fine.
You need to know what is best for yourself Nobody can and will make that decision for you.
You may find a purpose again, hopefully<3

There is a way.
I also found that way.
As said, if you really and truly want it, you will find it.

 

[itsgone2]

You may be right. My mind doesn't work so well anymore. So I don't know. I can never know. But it doesn't matter. Days are pure pain. I wish to escape this. I don't know how to get the resolve yet. I'll have to eventually. My last moments will be pain and I won't sense the relief I do understand, but I don't care. It's over. I made a complete mess of life and it's over. I'm dragging it out for no reason.

 

[purebliss]

You may be right. My mind doesn't work so well anymore. So I don't know. I can never know. But it doesn't matter. Days are pure pain. I wish to escape this. I don't know how to get the resolve yet. I'll have to eventually. My last moments will be pain and I won't sense the relief I do understand, but I don't care. It's over. I made a complete mess of life and it's over. I'm dragging it out for no reason.

It's never without reason
we all hope that somehow better times arrive.
And that is completely valid and good!

 

[25menrunning]

You can't and won't know. Nobody who died came back to tell us how it is on the other side. Who says there is not another "you" there?
What if there is only happiness on the other side? Or what if there is even more suffering on the other side?
Nobody. And that is an objective fact. Nobody knows what is on the other side.
You don't know if there will be absence of suffering there or not.

If you want to suffer, so be it. If you want to live, so be it. While it is unclear what is on the other side, your suffering on this side is sadly clear.
If you do not like the specific type of suffering that is death, then that is also fine.
You need to know what is best for yourself Nobody can and will make that decision for you.
You may find a purpose again, hopefully<3

There is a way.
I also found that way.
As said, if you really and truly want it, you will find it.

That is where me and you differ, I guess. I am not religious. I do not believe in an afterlife, there is no evidence for one and it makes no sense for there to be one. If someone truly hates life so much, I also don't know why they'd kill themself if there was an afterlife, because thats just like living more life.

If you believe in a sense of peacefulness after death, you believe in an afterlife. If you believe in anything but the horribly difficult to explain reality of nothingness, of no you, of an abrupt end on such a terrible note, you're just wrong, I'm sorry. You can try to convince yourself otherwise, many do, because it's comforting. We want to believe in continuity, it's human nature. There is none. It's disturbing to me to see so many intent on making such a final decision based on a misguided understanding of death with no evidence to back it. It's comforting, but it's not real.
al

First.
Nobody here thinks it is a "miracle cure". And it is very arrogant to think that we all are under the assumption that it is a "cure" to anything.


Most of us here are fully aware that actions have consequences. That our attempts might fail and that it will lead to even greater suffering then before.
It never has been a "cure" from the very beginning. It is a "Final Solution to a permanent problem" for some us here.

At the risk of sounding arrogant myself now, I think most people here have circumstantial problems that are resolvable.
A lost love. Addiction. Unemployment. Craving warmth of another. Homelessness.
All things that could potentially be "fixed".
But there are also cases like mine that had everything, no reason to feel bad at all, and still suffer under the most crushing sadness one can imagine.

And yet. Every single one of us knows exactly that there is no "cure" in death.
It is a solution. And that is all.
For some a permanent solution to a temporary problem
And for some a final solution to a permanent problem

That is all there is to it.

---

Now, with that being said.
If you want to die peacefully, with as little pain as possible and as little fear of death as possible then you have to sadly go the extra mile like I did.

Order SN. Get yourself onto DH and order Flualprazolam or just plain alprazolam.
Lie to your doctor about "genetic nausea" and get metoclopramid.
And when it's all done and ready fast fast for 2 days and take the recommended dosage of SN to find a somewhat peaceful death.
Please please please educate yourself at the available resources here!
A death can be painful yes, but a death that is painful because of lack of research is even more sad.

I so very much would like to point you to a site that sells Nembutal but those are sadly almost always scams.

---

I can't take your pain away. I can't feel your pain and I won't even try to pretend that I can feel what you feel. Everyone's suffering is different. Everyone bleeds differently.
But I would love for you to suffer as little as possible before you go

I would even more love for you to find your way back on the right track if you do not suffer under an inherent suicide drive as well.
Whatever way you choose.
I hope you can find your true bliss eventually

also why the hell do you think I have access to that many drugs lmao

You may be right. My mind doesn't work so well anymore. So I don't know. I can never know. But it doesn't matter. Days are pure pain. I wish to escape this. I don't know how to get the resolve yet. I'll have to eventually. My last moments will be pain and I won't sense the relief I do understand, but I don't care. It's over. I made a complete mess of life and it's over. I'm dragging it out for no reason.

I understand, it sucks that you are suffering. I would implore you to try other stuff before you try suicide, though I'm sure you're aware, as you can always end up making that decision after you give the other stuff a shot. As I said before, death will come anyways, no matter what you do, it *will* one day end. But it sucks, and I'm sorry that there is no easy solution, not even death.

I'd encourage you to read 'Suicide: the forever decision'. I don't agree with everything in it but someone recommended it recently and I found it an interesting read.

https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

 

[purebliss]

That is where me and you differ, I guess. I am not religious. I do not believe in an afterlife, there is no evidence for one and it makes no sense for there to be one. If someone truly hates life so much, I also don't know why they'd kill themself if there was an afterlife, because thats just like living more life.

If you believe in a sense of peacefulness after death, you believe in an afterlife. If you believe in anything but the horribly difficult to explain reality of nothingness, of no you, of an abrupt end on such a terrible note, you're just wrong, I'm sorry. You can try to convince yourself otherwise, many do, because it's comforting. We want to believe in continuity, it's human nature. There is none. It's disturbing to me to see so many intent on making such a final decision based on a misguided understanding of death with no evidence to back it. It's comforting, but it's not real.

You did not correctly read what I said-
I do not believe in an afterlife or anything. I said that we do not know what is on the other side. Nobody does. Nobody can know.
Nobody comes back from the dead.
That is all there is. You only know what you know and nothing beyond that.

also why the hell do you think I have access to that many drugs lmao

I... did not? I just said that there is the possibility of getting them quite easily if you are truly determined
You somehow remind me of a different guy I texted with before "noname223"
Are you an alt-account of his by any chance?

 

[25menrunning]

You did not correctly read what I said-
I do not believe in an afterlife or anything. I said that we do not know what is on the other side. Nobody does. Nobody can know.
Nobody comes back from the dead.
That is all there is. You only know what you know and nothing beyond that.

I... did not? I just said that there is the possibility of getting them quite easily if you are truly determined
You somehow remind me of a different guy I texted with before "noname223"
Are you an alt-account of his by any chance?

no, I have no idea who that is, this is the first time I've ever posted

and what I meant is that I do not believe in the afterlife and your phrasing implies that it's a possibility, and a significant one at that. The logical and science-based understanding of death is that there is no 'other side', that that is a construct we have created.

 

[purebliss]

no, I have no idea who that is, this is the first time I've ever posted

and what I meant is that I do not believe in the afterlife and your phrasing implies that it's a possibility, and a significant one at that. The logical and science-based understanding of death is that there is no 'other side', that that is a construct we have created.

The logical and science-based understanding is that we do not know what happens after death.

 

[Bikishii]

The thing about suicide is it isn't relief. It's hard to really explain it, but it's just nothing. I suffer in pain, but if I died, that pain would be the last thing I ever felt. There wouldn't be a chance that I'd go on to get the job I dream of, keep my relationship with my sister, escape my abusive family, find joy even with the backdrop of depression and trauma. But there's such a fear that that reality will never become the reality, and I'm exhausted. I wake up every morning so tired. I browse this website. I don't feel like I have it in me to put in the work to make the life I want and to endure the years before I get closer to that reality.

I was a suicidal 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc. When I was younger, I had this warped perception of death as ultimate relief, as escape. But if I die, if an attempt even killed me instead of leaving my life more messed up then it already is (brain damage terrifies me the most, I'm honestly ok with an attempt that won't lead to brain damage but as someone that has brain damage I don't want more). I miss when I had that idea of death, because I realize now that it's no escape and it's no relief, I'll hurt those around me and for what? The logical answer is to keep going, grind it out, wait for it to happen anyway because I'll die no matter what whether it's now or when I'm much much older. I don't have it in me to keep fighting. I miss back when I had that naive understanding of death as relief. It's not.

A year ago, I attempted suicide by hanging. I've done plenty of mini 'attempts' but this was the proper one. Anyone here that says it isn't painful is wrong. I still have PTSD from it. I remember my surivial instinct kicking in, I remember the mounting pressure in my head and excrutiating pain on my neck, I remember flailing about and accepting that I was going to die. It's what I wanted, and now the decision was done. But I survived. If I had died, the last thing I ever would have felt is that mounting pressure in my head, that pain, that panic. How is that a resolve to my story?

Unfortunatley, I know not of a true resolve. Every time my mother gets bad, when she screams, when I have panic attacks, I go back to that. I want to die, but I want to live. A few days ago, I walked out to the train tracks nearby my house after a bad fight, using the motivation that pain gave me to actually do something. The camera obviously noticed me and the trains started inching along and blaring their horns at me, and I left, because they wouldn't have killed me. I'm terrified of living this life, but death is no answer, and I hate that, because I want an answer. I want an easy way out. I'm too tired. I guess I just have to wait until I have the life I want. But I'm scared I'll kill myself in a fit of pain before that, or worse, attempt again and end up brain damaged or paralyzed or an amputee. I'm constantly back and forth as to whether or not I'll kill myself. Neither option is a good one. I'm just tired, I want the world to stop, I want to be able to live away from these people without going homeless, I want to know that things will be ok. I wish I could go back in time and stop the abuse that I faced but I can't. I wish there was a way to go out where if it did not work I wouldn't end up fucked for life. But there isn't. And that sucks.

Death isn't the miracle cure some of you seem to think it is. It isn't peace, it isn't releif. Releif and peace are feelings. Feelings require you being alive. I don't want my life to end on this note. But I don't want ot keep on living. I miss the naivety of how I viewed death. But it's naive. And it just sucks, I guess. It really sucks.
Deleting this post in a few days, hope I can get some advice or someone responds or something

I've thought here and there about whether I should wait until I can't bear it anymore and have to CTB, but like you've said, I don't want my last moments to be spent in pain, mental or physical. I've thought that sometimes it'd be best to kill myself when I don't necessarily feel like it, both because I'm probably making the decision then with a little more mental clarity, or just that I'll feel better doing it then. Instead of being mad at myself and talking down to myself ("just do it already you fucking pussy!"), approaching it with a truly calm head seems like a better idea.

That fear of failure is all too real. No method is 100%, humans are so fragile yet so resilient and there's always a possibility you could survive. I've seen plenty of failed suicides on different boards and brain damage is so scary (hello, fellow brain damage-haver) but the thought of, say, being split in half by a train and still surviving and having to rely on others for the rest of my life is such a haunting thought too.

Who knows if this is the "right" solution, or even any solution at all? None of us, I guess. But we'll all die anyways at some point or another.

 

[U. A.]

Based-ass post.

Death isn't the miracle cure some of you seem to think it is. It isn't peace, it isn't releif. Releif and peace are feelings. Feelings require you being alive.