i am a. coward and i think that’s the first step to accepting ctb.

[notevenhere]

i rushed with getting the items and having a plan but i don't have the mental fortitude.

for context, my mom is financially abusive and i don't have a job, i rely on sex work— well, used to until i went from 47 kg to 56kg— im frightened of my step dad my half brother doesn't talk to me im not allowed to go outside unless i fork over 6,000 pesos now which is 100 or more usd i pay for my meds, neuro consultation, im losing all my teeth but i dont have the money to fix them.

i've been moving my date for at least 3 times now, october, end of the year, april. nobody really wants to help me and i don't want their help, either. it's one thing to move someone in a dangerous situation with mental health issues, it's another thing when they have medical upkeep, when they can't keep up, when they can feel like they're dying because of their chronic illness and can't find a job, all roads lead to death anyways. the truth is i am a coward, it could fail (again) — i lost all my irls and this isn't me complaining, cos if im going to be gone anyways: why bother them at all? i think im a coward i cant do it, which is more pathetic than anything else.

 

[Aflame5926]

i dont have anything i can say that would ease the pain. how is your mother holding you hostage tho?

 

[notevenhere]

i dont have anything i can say that would ease the pain. how is your mother holding you hostage tho?

there's a cctv on the garage there's no back door only the front door then a garage and the gate to escape the cctv can a last her tab if someone is outside on top of that there's two aggressive dogs who are locked in cages and let them out at night a pit bull and one breed i cand remember but is taller than me when it tries to glomp u

even if they don't gnaw my leg off it'll be barking im always in my room and they will bark
my escape plan is this

i give my mom the usual payput

i say i need to bring 3 bags it's an anime convention, a luggage even

she'll say yes but the curfew would be 7/8 or something

once im out of sight and i'll be going to an actual convention i'll slowly slip out of the crowd and get a uber ride to my airbnb

i will enjoy my one month i saved up that much

and then i finally attempt

there's records showing my mental illness and if my mom or i involves the cops they're gonna side wiyh the cops cos everyone thinks im retarded

 

[Aflame5926]

there's a cctv on the garage there's no back door only the front door then a garage and the gate to escape the cctv can a last her tab if someone is outside on top of that there's two aggressive dogs who are locked in cages and let them out at night a pit bull and one breed i cand remember but is taller than me when it tries to glomp u

even if they don't gnaw my leg off it'll be barking im always in my room and they will bark

ok that sounds actually totally fucked man.

being a coward isnt pathetic tho especially around CTB.
but you need to be mentally strong enough for it or something that calms you when executing.
going out to end it its a big step

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Hey, you've done everything you could. You're not a damn coward if you can stare death in the eyes thrice and maybe even more.

I'm sorry for the suffering that you must go through. Med bills are no joke. I understand that. Having no job to sustain yourself and extend your life is harrowing.

I'd say things like "Why not try Kickstarter or GoFundMe" if I didn't know any better about payment being traceable to your account so... I'll just say godspeed and I hope that you get to find the peace and comfort you deserve all your life