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Igotaplane

Igotaplane

Swim in the soil
Jul 22, 2024
32
I feel deep down that me killing myself will shake the world of so many people around me but I can't think of another feasible solution. I know it would ruin the people around me but I'm so miserable and I'm stuck. People heal over time, why am I so scared of just committing. There's nothing to look forward to, I don't know how to just fucking do it without the overwhelming guilt stopping me
 
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buddha99

Member
Feb 8, 2025
32
in the exact same boat as you are. my parents would be devastated. Have nothing to look forward to too. Everything seems pointless at this stage. if everyone has to die someday, why not just do it now
 
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Reflection

Reflection

Arcanist
Sep 12, 2024
406
Yeah it's probably gonna break them real bad :(
 
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inverse-weibull

inverse-weibull

Member
Feb 20, 2025
29
Same here as well, I feel so guilty for the pain I'll cause my parents and best friend. I'm going to do what I can to make them feel less guilty in my note but it's still going to be really traumatic
 
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Igotaplane

Igotaplane

Swim in the soil
Jul 22, 2024
32
I feel very similarly, do you think there's anything you can say to Aleve some of the trauma that comes from it?
 
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Worndown

Worndown

Illuminated
Mar 21, 2019
3,716
They would be slightly more upset if you were accidentally hit by a real bus. Death upsets the living.
 
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inverse-weibull

inverse-weibull

Member
Feb 20, 2025
29
I feel very similarly, do you think there's anything you can say to Aleve some of the trauma that comes from it?
I think with suicide it's not just the grief that comes with a loved one's death, but also the feeling of guilt wondering "Could I have done something different? What if I had done this, or said that, or paid attention more, maybe I could have prevented this."
I've not really started on my note yet, but I'm going to try and explain how it's not their faults. I'll list all of the good positive memories I have with them and tell them that they improved my mental health and life so much while I was here (even if I don't entirely believe that). I know that it won't fully take away their guilt, but hopefully my reassurance of all the positive things they contributed to my life will help lessen how much they blame themselves.
I'm essentially trying to make it seem that this was just an inevitable consequence of my chronic depression, just like mortality from any other disease. There's nothing they could do to stop it, but they supported me while I was here and that's what matters.
 
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timmy_o

timmy_o

Member
Feb 23, 2025
47
I've not really started on my note yet, but I'm going to try and explain how it's not their faults. I'll list all of the good positive memories I have with them and tell them that they improved my mental health and life so much while I was here (even if I don't entirely believe that). I know that it won't fully take away their guilt, but hopefully my reassurance of all the positive things they contributed to my life will help lessen how much they blame themselves.
I'm essentially trying to make it seem that this was just an inevitable consequence of my chronic depression, just like mortality from any other disease. There's nothing they could do to stop it, but they supported me while I was here and that's what matters.
I think you have good ideas about what to put in the note.

In my note which I'm still typing out, I'm putting things like telling them how their place in my life has been the only thing stopping me from CTB,
How I chose not to reach out because I knew they would all have helped me to the best of their ability if I had reached out,
Acknowledging that it IS a selfish decision, giving them express permission to hate me, to blame me, to grieve me.
But also, dispelling ideas that it was impulsive and thoughtless. Telling them my reasons, and how long I've been suffering, and how there is no way out of a life of misery.

Hoping you find peace.
 
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bananaolympus

Specialist
Dec 12, 2024
332
Same with me is awful knowing your ctb will make a huge impact on your loved ones, this one keeps me from dying until all are gone before me
 
J

J&L383

Enlightened
Jul 18, 2023
1,114
Just my siblings are left now. No SO and no kids. 👍
 
ForeverCaHa

ForeverCaHa

Heartbroken Welshman
Feb 16, 2025
443
I recently lost my partner to suicide, and I can confirm that it has destroyed me entirely. I obsess over it each day, thinking about how I could have saved him, been there for him, done anything. Even more painful is the thought of what we would be doing at this moment if things had ended differently - cooking together? Cuddling on the sofa? Walking together in the park? ... He sent me a final message (albeit a fairly short one), but left no note for his family. I can only imagine how it has affected them.

That being said, I don't know how long I will be able to continue before I ultimately CTB. Having this experience means I am now intimately aware of the emotions my family and close friends will go through, and that is the only thing that has stopped me from acting on impulse. I once thought I could wait until my mother passed before acting, but following the death of my partner I simply cannot cope.

I plan on leaving two long notes - one for my mum, the other for my two friends who have helped me during this dark time. From my experience, the unfortunate fact is that nothing can help alleviate the pain, but I hope that leaving a longer note will at least do something to get rid of the questions which I am currently grappling with over my partner.

If I ultimately change my mind, I will have to accept that my partner's choice to end his own life will haunt me forever. No amount of therapy, bereavement groups, or my latest obsession of 'spirit mediums', will help me return to how I was prior to his death. I do not say this to make people keep on living (as mentioned, I also plan to CTB soon), but it is something we should all be aware of when making our decisions.
 
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CallmeWill4719

Member
Nov 11, 2024
93
Your comment hit me pretty hard. There are some days my depression gets so bad I just get so tired of caring about what my spouse would think If I was gone. I just get so fed up with feeling so hopeless and tired all the time and anxiety and all that stuff. They try their best to help me but I feel like a burden and loser anyway. He's the only one I care about not hurting. I guess what I'm saying is this comment reminds me not to be so selfish I guess. Either way I'm screwed and just blows
 
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