I don't think I truly want to die.

[Garf125]

I really feel my main issue is I have too much to choose from. So many roads in all directions I can't tell which way is up or down. Im desperate for stability but my life gets upended every time I'm just about getting used to it. I want to be given a role that I can live comfortably in and know it's never going to change (like a medieval monk) but the world is not made for me, I am not made for the world and the time for such things has long since passed. I idealize death so much as it's the ultimate representation of that that I'm willing to give up everything for.

 

[wagner2029]

life is change, maybe if you lived a stable life you would feel sad about not having change.

 

[waterhorse]

so many people here are suicidal because they have no options, so having so many options and directions to take your life would be a blessing to some. I'm not minimising any negative feelings about it but I think you need to see your life as something incredible, where you can choose what path to take for yourself.
Life is constantly changing both for the better and the worse, and I don't think there's any reason to think your situation will last forever <3

 

[Onomatopoeia]

Im desperate for stability but my life gets upended every time I'm just about getting used to it. I want to be given a role that I can live comfortably in and know it's never going to change (like a medieval monk)

Stability is absolutely necessary to both survive and somewhat enjoy this human life. My husband and I started dating at age 19, married at 21. We became adults together. We both worked at the same school as teachers for 10 years, until he was murdered in 2022.

Life was really good for me because of the stability, the fact that I knew my place as a wife, a soon-to-be-mother, and a teacher who had a lifetime contract as long as we never violated any personal conduct policies. All I had to do is love him, which was so very easy and fun to do because he was wonderful; and everything else would work itself out. Then all that came to an end. So I have to CTB. There's no possible way for me to build that life with someone else.

You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm ready to leave this world. I do not want to be here and cannot be here anymore." If you cannot confidently do that, then you are not ready. It just sounds like you're in that fast-paced confused state of late teens/early 20s, and doing it alone.