I don't think I can do it anymore

[Valso]

I mean, I can do it, if there's no other way but after tonight, it will be nothing short but selfish if I do it. Almost two months ago my best friend gifted me a backpack (I was planning to buy one anyway) but today I found that the store sellers have dropped the price tag inside the backpack. In USA $120 may not be much but around here that's A LOT. Around here you can eat 2 weeks or more with that money. And you don't pay such a price for b-day gift for someone who means nothing to you. I told him what I was planning to do and why. He was less than happy. He begged me not to do it and was barely keeping his tears at bay. He didn't cry but I could hear it in his voice becase I've been through the same state when that female monster killed my ability to love. Tonight I realized that if I kill myself, I won't be hurting just myself but also someone whom I didn't expect. I've known him ever since he was 12 or 13 and I was 15 or 16, which means ~25 years of friendship. Tonight I realized what I mean to him, so I don't think I can do it anymore. The plan was to hurt myself AND her permanently but I didn't expect such a turn or events. As much as I hate my life, I can't do this to him. Before you say anything, no, neither of us is in love with the other, there's nothing romantic or sexual in our friendship, it's just a strong friendship - a lot stronger than I ever thought. So, as much as I hate my life, I guess I'll have to endure it to the end. At least I found a drinking partner - his wife. She likes drinking. I like it too cuz it numbs the pain of knowing I'll be forever alone. Seeing what they two have keeps reminding me what I'll never have, it's too late for me anyway. But who knows - maybe with a friend like him it will be a little easier to live.

 

[Euthanza]

I knew first hand such feelings. I miss my best friend that I left for good. I still think about it a lot, gay + straight friendship do a lot more damage to the gay part but it's also a burden for the straight counter part since we come from a homophobic society.

 

[rozeske]

I wish you all the best and I hope this can give you peace to keep going.

 

[sanitystruggle]

Whatever your reason, whatever your choice it's yours to make. If your friend gives you a reason to keep on living for now then go with it. There's no reason to feel cornered into making a decision that can't be unmade. Good luck and I hope you find peace whatever you decide.