hereandthere13
why me?
- Sep 14, 2023
- 131
I'm working towards a shitty bachelors degree that I don't want to do and barely learning anything. My parents have become more and more avoidant over the years since I've continuously gotten worse. I miss being a child and falling down or something and knowing my mom was standing right next to me with a band aid and a hug. They don't really understand mental health problems, which isn't their fault, but when they're angry for some reason, it seems they use mine as some kind of weapon. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or lazy to listen to their advice but it's just so bland and unsupportive. There's this look my mom gives me when I start crying. It screams "Oh god, this shit again?" I hate it. I don't have many friends but I struggle to be social anyways. I'm supposed to go on a trip next month to meet up with a bunch of friends but I'm thinking of backing out due to how embarrased I am of my body. I lost a bunch of weight at the beginning of the year but unfortunately gained it all back. 50lbs to be exact, due to medications and just a lack of self-care. I shower like.. every 3 days. I've gone days without brushing my teeth or hair. Nowadays, my hair is almost always matted and brushing hurts like hell. I sit in my room all day, crying, listening to music, sleeping, spending time on socials or doing some kind of impulsive activity. I quit my job back in July and haven't been able to find a new one since. I have an addiction to nicotine, benzos and occasionally opioids. Thankfully I was able to get off cigarettes (15 days free!) so I'm just vaping for now. I want to work on the benzo problem. Haven't taken any in 3 or 4 days so I'm going through some withdrawals. Just a depressive episode I think. I'm on an SSRI and mood stabilizer for impulsivity (I'm not bipolar, however, the Doc and I figured it would be best for me to take them regardless). I have no purpose in life, no goals, no passions, I give up quite easily and half-ass any kind of project/activity I actually complete. And don't even get me started on relationships. I was dating someone for awhile but things got rocky and I just didn't feel comfortable around them anymore. I think they're waiting for me to send a text but I really want to avoid any conversation. Anyways, I think that's enough of my rant. I'm unsure if I want to CTB. It would hurt a lot of people around me, but I know if I fully decide to go through with it, my death will be on my 22nd birthday next year in May. I'll blow out my final candle for myself right at midnight and get on with my plans... Thanks for reading if you got this far.
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