Venting I don’t recognise myself anymore

[43721]

I don't see even a glimmer of myself when I look in the mirror.I used to have long curly healthy hair,now it's dirty,falling out and matted together because I haven't picked up a hair brush in weeks(again).I used to have a bath every single day because I loved being clean,now I wash with a cloth in the sink every few days because I can't stand the feeling of getting into a bath of water anymore.I can't stand water even touching my skin.I'm too exhausted to shave for weeks on end which makes me feel even less attractive than I already do.I hardly ever wear makeup and I can't be bothered to wash my make up brushes.I don't see the point in doing anything,I leave everything to the last minute,if there isn't some sort of crisis,I don't move.I have been suicidal since I was 11 years old,but it's only been the last few years that I can't keep up with hygiene and basic tasks.I used to be able to function no matter how bad I felt.I could still have a bath while thinking of ways to kill myself.I used to put on makeup every day even though I wanted to die,but I just can't do it anymore.I'm not that person anymore and I don't know to get back to being that person,I don't think that I can.I look in the mirror and the face I see doesn't even look like me.It's like I've aged 10 years in the last year or two.Two years ago my face was round and I didn't look my age,now I look old and haggard and I have these lines either side of my mouth that weren't there before which makes me look even older.I'm in my late twenties and I feel like I'm 100.I feel like I've lived for too long when I haven't lived at all.I don't know why I'm even writing this.Part of wants someone to help me out of this mess(which no one can),and part of me just wants to jump off of a bridge.

 

[NoLightRemains]

It can be hard looking in the mirror and seeing what you have become. It is difficult to care about maintaining hygiene and external appearances when one is suffering so much internally. I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be torture when you are so exhausted of everything and it can be horrible being trapped in this human body. There does seem to be no real relief from suffering in a life like this. It must be so awful what you are going through, I've also felt like I've been alive for too long at this point, having to endure this existence for many more decades would certainly be a nightmare.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Been that way for months. Have a glimmer every once in a while and run razor across my face. I get looks and comments at work. I avoid anyone outside of work. I hate it. Hate barber chairs, hate small talk. Gonna take clippers and shave my head with a guard I guess so I don't have to be there.
I give up