if I could have it any other way, suicide would be the last thing on my mind. I have dreams of a good life for myself, where I'm happy and achieve the things I want. Truthfully, I believe that if things had gone just a little more to my favor, I'd do great things not only for myself but for the world.
I'd say I'm smart, intelligent, talented, but I'm also very insecure and my pathological lying has led me to constantly uphold a life I don't have. I have no agency, no desire to get my life together, I feel like I've been spoiled from childhood and now the world feels like it's crashing in on me. I think a large factor is how my family decided to go cold turkey on financially supporting me the moment I turned 18, which makes sense, but also I have this pent up grudge that I've been spoiled from childhood without being educated or groomed to stand on my own.
I first attempted when I was 11 trying to overdose on paracetamol and was sent to the ER. I've attempted about 3 times now, each time after that I've held on to the string of hope that it gets better, but now I feel like I'm reaching the point of losing that hope for good.
I have absolutely no one to talk about to on my mental health. These past few months since February I think I've been trying to be more destructive because somehow I knew my death would come this year, only now that it's so close I look back and get almost angry at how I spent those months hoping I'd be better, that things would be better and now the time has come and I'm right back where I started.
I can't even blame anyone but myself. I'm practically an adult now. It's devastating to me because if I put everything I know onto paper I have everything I need to get on the right track but I just cant. Maybe it's my ego stopping me.
I would ask salvation from God but I feel like my prayers would go unanswered from how long since I've condemned him/religion.
I just really don't want to go another year hoping things would get better and end up here again. I want peace.
I have no specific date for my suicide, but it's somewhere between 1st-2nd week of August. I just have a feeling I'll eventually know which date.
I'd say I'm smart, intelligent, talented, but I'm also very insecure and my pathological lying has led me to constantly uphold a life I don't have. I have no agency, no desire to get my life together, I feel like I've been spoiled from childhood and now the world feels like it's crashing in on me. I think a large factor is how my family decided to go cold turkey on financially supporting me the moment I turned 18, which makes sense, but also I have this pent up grudge that I've been spoiled from childhood without being educated or groomed to stand on my own.
I first attempted when I was 11 trying to overdose on paracetamol and was sent to the ER. I've attempted about 3 times now, each time after that I've held on to the string of hope that it gets better, but now I feel like I'm reaching the point of losing that hope for good.
I have absolutely no one to talk about to on my mental health. These past few months since February I think I've been trying to be more destructive because somehow I knew my death would come this year, only now that it's so close I look back and get almost angry at how I spent those months hoping I'd be better, that things would be better and now the time has come and I'm right back where I started.
I can't even blame anyone but myself. I'm practically an adult now. It's devastating to me because if I put everything I know onto paper I have everything I need to get on the right track but I just cant. Maybe it's my ego stopping me.
I would ask salvation from God but I feel like my prayers would go unanswered from how long since I've condemned him/religion.
I just really don't want to go another year hoping things would get better and end up here again. I want peace.
I have no specific date for my suicide, but it's somewhere between 1st-2nd week of August. I just have a feeling I'll eventually know which date.
