I don't really want to die but I really can't fix my life to live

[CandyCane]

I've had a chronic illness for 12 years. It's iatrogenic, my doctor caused it. There is absolutely no medical help for it and doctors are often very hostile about. Every doctors appointment I go to is a living hell, and I'm gaslit. Because of the lack of medical awareness, nobody else is very nice to me about it either. It's not like "cancer" where people know it's a real thing, there's always accusations that you're making it up or whatever. I've been bedridden for about 8 years now. I'm tortured alive every single day. Some people with my condition improve, and in some ways I have, but not enough to function. Some even heal entirely and live full lives. I don't think that's going to be me. It's not just the disability, but it's actually torture to live in my body. It's a sensory nightmare. I get feelings of terror constantly as well. Just pure terror. I could spend pages just describing my symptoms but that's not the point. It's really bad. Worse than I could have ever imagined. I have so many things that are probably most like panic attacks, not really sure. They're horrifying.

I'm stuck living with my parents, now, despite being an adult. They were very abusive to me growing up. I didn't even realize how screwed up they were until I moved back. I was out functioning until my disability and trying to live my life. They're both very emotionally immature, self involved, perhaps narcissistic, and have very little empathy for anyone else. They also both are older and seem to be slipping into dementia. They randomly pop off and berate me, tell me what a disappointment I am or some other rude thing. I've spent every holiday for the last 8 years completely alone in bed in my room.

I used to be kind of pretty, and people would be very nice to me. Just treated better. Now I just seem rundown, a little overweight, etc. I can't get my hair done, I'm too tired and sick. I've lost this special treatment in some way. People don't look at me the same. I'm not sure I really care because I'm bedridden, but I'm reminded of this every time I have to go somewhere. I'm not sure this is very important to me, I realize it can sound shallow, but it's taken away kind of my ability of have people willing to help which I didn't realize this was why they were willing at the time.

I don't have any debt, I have a nice partner, but it's long distance, and he seems to like it that way. I get along with him well, but I wish he was here and I don't think he ever will be. I love my pets, I would be heartbroken to leave them and I don't know how to find someone to care for them. I have some nice friends, but no real interest in seeing them lately because my health is so poor.

But the more this goes on the more I realize this situation cannot be maintained. If I don't get better, I only get sicker and am totally reliant on abusive people who are slowly losing their minds. I've told my parents and my partner I intend on taking my life in the near future. They both tell me I'll get better one day and to shut up. They don't want to talk about it. It sucks because I do have some savings and animals I want to leave in the best care possible. My mom told me to put my animals down if I'm going to kill myself, but I don't want to. I don't think they'd choose that if I could talk to them. I think they'd choose to preserve themselves and live with someone else in some way. I don't know how to find homes from your pets post mortem when you can't talk about it.

Also, suicide is unappealing. I'm afraid of the methods, I'm afraid of post-death in some way. I doubt there's anything, but there's always a what if. I'm afraid that everything I've done up until now was for nothing. Every situation I've tolerated was for nothing. It just all ends. I don't know how to plan my end of life. I also don't want to, I just can't live in this suffering anymore. I want to heal, but I'm not. The realization there is no answer beyond death is becoming louder and louder each passing day. And I hate it.

 

[jimmy7754]

Also, suicide is unappealing. I'm afraid of the methods, I'm afraid of post-death in some way. I doubt there's anything, but there's always a what if. I'm afraid that everything I've done up until now was for nothing. Every situation I've tolerated was for nothing. It just all ends. I don't know how to plan my end of life. I also don't want to, I just can't live in this suffering anymore. I want to heal, but I'm not. The realization there is no answer beyond death is becoming louder and louder each passing day. And I hate it.

This is what bothers me the most. I'm there right now.. it's a terrible feeling and I'm not sure what to do. My therapist would say I'm being irrational.. that my anxiety is irrational but I don't feel that way. Methods scare me.. post death scares me.. there is nothing after this plus we don't have a concept of infinity or eternity post death.. we don't know what happens.. albeit it is exciting to feel that all my problems could go away if I catch the bus.. but do they? Things will never get better if I off myself but do things change at all if I kill myself? I won't exist.. I won't be aware or alive to even tell.. I still can't stand living and sometimes my "irrational" and "compulsive" thoughts push me to methods that could make me worse off.. I feel trapped in the feeling.

 

[CandyCane]

This is what bothers me the most. I'm there right now.. it's a terrible feeling and I'm not sure what to do. My therapist would say I'm being irrational.. that my anxiety is irrational but I don't feel that way. Methods scare me.. post death scares me.. there is nothing after this plus we don't have a concept of infinity or eternity post death.. we don't know what happens.. albeit it is exciting to feel that all my problems could go away if I catch the bus.. but do they? Things will never get better if I off myself but do things change at all if I kill myself? I won't exist.. I won't be aware or alive to even tell.. I still can't stand living and sometimes my "irrational" and "compulsive" thoughts push me to methods that could make me worse off.. I feel trapped in the feeling.

Do you have anxiety around death in general? I have had it for awhile. I've also had a sense of it's so inevitable it would be nice to be able to control it, but the truth is, I can't control it, just one aspect of it. I can (probably) control the date if I act soon, beyond that it's a total mystery. The odds seem high though that nothing happens and the problems essentially go away and we'd be right where we'd be in a few decades anyway. But I don't know. I guess that comes down to what is life for anyway? I don't know.

 

[jimmy7754]

Do you have anxiety around death in general? I have had it for awhile. I've also had a sense of it's so inevitable it would be nice to be able to control it, but the truth is, I can't control it, just one aspect of it. I can (probably) control the date if I act soon, beyond that it's a total mystery. The odds seem high though that nothing happens and the problems essentially go away and we'd be right where we'd be in a few decades anyway. But I don't know. I guess that comes down to what is life for anyway? I don't know.

I have anxiety around death for sure.. the more and more breakthroughs in science and how much we can plunge into everything has showed me that we are wired to self preserve, survive and figure out what we can make of modern life.. I've lost my grip.

 

[ClaudeKersey]

I don't suffer from any chronic illness, but I do understand where you are coming from. No one would want to ctb if they could resolve their problems/issues.

How old are you and where do you live? What's the likely future for you in the next, say, 5 years?

 

[CandyCane]

I don't suffer from any chronic illness, but I do understand where you are coming from. No one would want to ctb if they could resolve their problems/issues.

How old are you and where do you live? What's the likely future for you in the next, say, 5 years?

I'm in my late 30s in the USA. I don't know. If I heal then I can live my life and I should be ok, but that's just luck. I haven't healed yet. If I don't heal, more bedridden torture surrounded and totally reliant on abusive people who are slowly slipping into dementia. I can't even drive my car anymore. I'm stuck dealing with very difficult people and sensory dysfunction in every single situation. I leave my home maybe 2-3 times a month max, for a 10 minute errand, and at least 1 out of the 3 times I get screamed at the whole time by my mother.

I have anxiety around death for sure.. the more and more breakthroughs in science and how much we can plunge into everything has showed me that we are wired for us to self preserve, survive and figure out what we can make of modern life.. I've lost my grip.

Lost your grip on what?

 

[jimmy7754]

I've lost my grip on myself.. making sense of my life.. I'm not grounded.. sure or have a vision or purpose.. I'm in pain a lot physically and don't feel like my life is worth living..

I'm in my 30s and have graduated college twice and have financial woes.. relationship woes.. parent deceased..

 

[CandyCane]

I've lost my grip on myself.. making sense of my life.. I'm not grounded.. sure or have a vision or purpose.. I'm in pain a lot physically and don't feel like my life is worth living..

I'm in my 30s and have graduated college twice and have financial woes.. relationship woes.. parent deceased..

Have you ever looked into psychedelics? I think if I was healthy I would go find a Shaman and shroom around in the jungle for awhile. Maybe that's just silly and I wouldn't. I read that you can have realizations that reset your template for life. IDK. I don't think it would be safe for me now with my current health problems, though.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you are going through, I can imagine that it must be unbearable. This life is just so cruel and unfair, I am sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[georgecostanza]

Yeah, your life sounds like it was on track and then somebody kicked it off the rails. Can you tell us more about what your medical problem is which was caused by a doctor? It's a loose association but I read "Breath" by James Nestor a couple of months ago and he describes there a surgical procedure in the nasal cavities which was done to improve some breathing issue but actually caused serious problems leading to suicides in some cases. Those patients also weren't taken seriously.

Anyway - have you considered looking for and joining a self help group of people with that problem?

 

[ClaudeKersey]

I'm in my late 30s in the USA. I don't know. If I heal then I can live my life and I should be ok, but that's just luck. I haven't healed yet. If I don't heal, more bedridden torture surrounded and totally reliant on abusive people who are slowly slipping into dementia. I can't even drive my car anymore. I'm stuck dealing with very difficult people and sensory dysfunction in every single situation. I leave my home maybe 2-3 times a month max, for a 10 minute errand, and at least 1 out of the 3 times I get screamed at the whole time by my mother.

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand that; even if there is a full healing process, if the healing process is too long, it might take a toll, after all, we all have a finite lifespan.

I'm also in my 30s.

 

[foggy]

I feel like I understand you to some extent. I have been chronically ill for 8 years now, mentally ill for 10. I have been diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease and treatment isn't touching it. Right now my pain is 8/10, earlier it was 9/10. This is just my daily standard of living. My doctor won't prescribe me painkillers. He didn't say why but I'm left without pain relief. I am jobless, I am a burden on my family and my roommates, I am in bed most of the time, crying from the pain. And my family was abusive to me too. I moved out but it's not going well, I'm not functioning well on my own. I'm scared of death but I don't see a choice. I can't keep living like this, and doctors can't help me. I don't know what to do. Dying scares me. Idk sorry kinda went on my own little vent there but what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. There are people out there who understand and get it. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish the best for you.

 

[CandyCane]

Yeah, your life sounds like it was on track and then somebody kicked it off the rails. Can you tell us more about what your medical problem is which was caused by a doctor? It's a loose association but I read "Breath" by James Nestor a couple of months ago and he describes there a surgical procedure in the nasal cavities which was done to improve some breathing issue but actually caused serious problems leading to suicides in some cases. Those patients also weren't taken seriously.

Anyway - have you considered looking for and joining a self help group of people with that problem?

Yes I've joined a few support groups. About 5-10 people in my support group suicide every single month. There isn't any medical help for it, they don't even know it exists, so they're constantly creating new people who end up disabled and dead. It's a mess.

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand that; even if there is a full healing process, if the healing process is too long, it might take a toll, after all, we all have a finite lifespan.

I'm also in my 30s.

Exactly, even if I do get better, I've lost years of my life and now I have PTSD I'm sure from being basically nearly killed by the medical field.

I feel like I understand you to some extent. I have been chronically ill for 8 years now, mentally ill for 10. I have been diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease and treatment isn't touching it. Right now my pain is 8/10, earlier it was 9/10. This is just my daily standard of living. My doctor won't prescribe me painkillers. He didn't say why but I'm left without pain relief. I am jobless, I am a burden on my family and my roommates, I am in bed most of the time, crying from the pain. And my family was abusive to me too. I moved out but it's not going well, I'm not functioning well on my own. I'm scared of death but I don't see a choice. I can't keep living like this, and doctors can't help me. I don't know what to do. Dying scares me. Idk sorry kinda went on my own little vent there but what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. There are people out there who understand and get it. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish the best for you.

I know a bit about Lyme. I believe our symptoms have some crossover. It's horrible. You deserve pain control. They're very stingy with them now, and I think that's a shame. I think if people want them, and consent to the risks, so be it. I could move out, too, but I don't function well enough that I imagine just the house being dirty and never having any food. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation, too. All of this still doesn't make dying seem appealing, though. At least not for me. But lately I'm realizing it's so bad sometimes that I just don't deserve to suffer. If I was my pet, I'd have me put down.

 

[WearyHSP]

If I don't heal, more bedridden torture surrounded and totally reliant on abusive people who are slowly slipping into dementia. I can't even drive my car anymore. I'm stuck dealing with very difficult people and sensory dysfunction in every single situation. I leave my home maybe 2-3 times a month max, for a 10 minute errand, and at least 1 out of the 3 times I get screamed at the whole time by my mother.

That's not a quality of life! I'm so sorry.
I have a chronic illness too (24 years) and those kinds of invisible, untreatable illnesses bring the double whammy of the illness, but then also the stigma: doctors, family and friends not only not believing but often gaslighting. Doctors grimace when I meet them because I'm not easy an easy case. Eventually most of them in some way blame me because their egos can't stand the mystery so the answer is "it's your fault."

I'm so sorry your parents are so mean. It's hard enough to be bedridden and in pain. Medicine and our culture (I'm in the US) have such a huge blind spot when it comes to these kinds of illnesses. I've had complete strangers tell me I'm dodn't have what I have or tell me some idiotic opinion about exercising (which I can't do) etc. People are shockingly self-absorbed, entitled and lack curiosity.
That's particularly hard with an untreatable-invisible illness.

 

[foggy]

Yes I've joined a few support groups. About 5-10 people in my support group suicide every single month. There isn't any medical help for it, they don't even know it exists, so they're constantly creating new people who end up disabled and dead. It's a mess.



Exactly, even if I do get better, I've lost years of my life and now I have PTSD I'm sure from being basically nearly killed by the medical field.



I know a bit about Lyme. I believe our symptoms have some crossover. It's horrible. You deserve pain control. They're very stingy with them now, and I think that's a shame. I think if people want them, and consent to the risks, so be it. I could move out, too, but I don't function well enough that I imagine just the house being dirty and never having any food. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation, too. All of this still doesn't make dying seem appealing, though. At least not for me. But lately I'm realizing it's so bad sometimes that I just don't deserve to suffer. If I was my pet, I'd have me put down.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. And thank you for saying that. I wish I could get pain control. I wish you could get help too.

 

[WearyHSP]

Yes I've joined a few support groups. About 5-10 people in my support group suicide every single month. There isn't any medical help for it, they don't even know it exists, so they're constantly creating new people who end up disabled and dead. It's a mess.

wow!

I finally found a group online since covid - no resources for what I have. But I have to keep silent about wanting to end my life because everyone else has a home and a partner and hope. Without support and money I can't treat my illness.

It must sadden people to lose so many in the group each month. Or, it's a really big group!
Sorry to be a nerd about this but I hope someone is taking suicide stats on iatrogenic because at that rate, it should get some attention?

And my family was abusive to me too.

SO COMMON for people with invisible illnesses. I have terrible childhood trauma, so bad that 30+ years of seeking help and I still can't even remember it other than in flashbacks. The PTSD events take me down for years but they don't exactly elucidate what happened when I was 7.

I tested positive for lyme twice with a lyme literate doctor but other doctor's couldn't replicate those tests. Still, I have bartonella, a lyme-coinfection.... Can't find a doctor who will treat me with diagnosis of CFS/ME. My last doctor just always told me, "you have so many infections!!!" And yet, mostly untreated.

Anyway, I ramble (neuro symptoms are the worst) and my point was, the stats for CFS/ME show a quite high frequency of childhood abuse connected with adults who suffer from the illness. (way outside a normal range.)

Wish Medicine would start funding research on how abuse negatively affects immunity and causes nervous system illnesses.

 

[CandyCane]

wow!

I finally found a group online since covid - no resources for what I have. But I have to keep silent about wanting to end my life because everyone else has a home and a partner and hope. Without support and money I can't treat my illness.

It must sadden people to lose so many in the group each month. Or, it's a really big group!
Sorry to be a nerd about this but I hope someone is taking suicide stats on iatrogenic because at that rate, it should get some attention?

SO COMMON for people with invisible illnesses. I have terrible childhood trauma, so bad that 30+ years of seeking help and I still can't even remember it other than in flashbacks. The PTSD events take me down for years but they don't exactly elucidate what happened when I was 7.

I tested positive for lyme twice with a lyme literate doctor but other doctor's couldn't replicate those tests. Still, I have bartonella, a lyme-coinfection.... Can't find a doctor who will treat me with diagnosis of CFS/ME. My last doctor just always told me, "you have so many infections!!!" And yet, mostly untreated.

Anyway, I ramble (neuro symptoms are the worst) and my point was, the stats for CFS/ME show a quite high frequency of childhood abuse connected with adults who suffer from the illness. (way outside a normal range.)

Wish Medicine would start funding research on how abuse negatively affects immunity and causes nervous system illnesses.

They do this weird thing where they blame it on your psychology, say your symptoms aren't real, and also don't have any way to treat it psychologically. So now you are excluded from the medical field and sent to psychiatry where they have like 5 psych med classes for everything, and most of them barely beat placebo. It's really insulting what passes as medical help. Do you have long covid? I've seen a lot about that on Twitter lately.