Story I don't really think their is anything for me tbh. I heard all the talking points, but everything feels superficial.

[Primus]

My Existence

Why do I want to end it all? That's the question I get. I can go with the Athiestic, Nihilists view and argue everything is ultimately brewed within an vast ocean of nothingness. But I have hundreds of reasons to why I should. I just wish I wasn't born the way I was. So defective. I understand the general sentiments. You're not trying hard enough, is that it? How do you determine such an arbitrary standard? Why is that? I wish I could learn and have the attention, not even the attention the sense of humanity. My mind is nothing but empty, bloated thoughts which quickly devolve to suicidal thoughts. You know the ones. "You don't matter, the world would be better off without you." Objectively speaking the world doesn't even know about your existence, you disappearing won't fix anything, if you go or don't. Nothing really changes, I can't even have a clear thought to how I can write what I am doing now. I don't have the intrest. Its as if the motivation to do anything is slowly, shifting or forcefully pivoting. Away from me. I can't do anything. I am a community college drop out. Not even a University drop out. Because I can never string any fucking ideas together to formulate basic cohesion because everything I know and I talk about requires so much context, and articulation it is overwhelming. I can't play videogames for more then 20 minutes. Or partake in any of my creative liberties like painting. I just pause. And sit back and stare blankly as If my brain shut off. It is terrifying. Its like mental tv static accompanied by a progressive ring you hear after a loud sound. I can't think of anything, the only thought I have are suicidal.

How can I possibly pursue any career to live or let alone fuel therapy, I really don't wanna get addicted by pills which in turn end up being placebo. Their is nothing for me. Where is this "help"? Where I just get given prescriptions. I can't afford therapy you know? Not many can. "Oh just find another therapist." Again its as if you're talking to a brick wall with these people., They're just possessing an automated message, literal NPC's. I find it fascinating how things are become Athiestic, yet we disavow faith. Yet their is this bizarre double standard. Why do we allow faith and false hope to cultivate when their is none? Will it shatter world views? This nonsensical self righteousness? Why do we have double standards? Regardless it doesn't matter. I just want to die. I can't live like this. I tried everything. At least I think I did.

I must admit a part of me doesn't wanna die. But what can I really do. Maybe its for the better. I have so much self hatred. Regarding the fact I can never seem to understand anything, its as if I am being drowned in mental Styrofoam. I can't study or partake in any creative liberties as previously mentioned. Some say I might have ADHD, textbook symptoms they claim. But I do have my doubts and fears. What If it isn't that simple? I suppose that is why I've grown tired and apathetic. I just wish that I would get in an accident, or be a victim of a mass shooting even or something. I want to live, but I guess life isn't fair. Nothing makes sense, no one really cares. I can barely find or understand certain things. I have SN and the heart burn med in my Amazon cart. Whats the worst that can happen. I guess I deserve to die, for ruining any potential relationships I have and making everyone worry. Using it as a habit or a forceful feeling. Thats all I feel nowadays. Their is no such thing as love. They're lying to you. I know that the hard way. I ruined it. I am not gonna die over a girl. I am gonna die over the fact I survive off attention, and sympathy. That is why I distanced myself from my "former" friends, because they would be a lot better without me. My suicidal desires and thoughts are legitimate. But I feed off tears, that's how I know I am loved? Or wanted? Idk, its not right. Therefore I am distancing myself and purposefully isolating myself from people. For that very reason. I can never have a discussion with anyone about anything, because it ends up being a drag and a conversation about how the goverment sucks at everything.

I try to refrain myself from sounding selfish. What do you guys think?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. To me it sounds like you are actually a very articulate, deep thinking and deep feeling person who is being hampered by their own brain/ body. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. A family member had a stroke a few years back and it's so sad to see how our brains/ bodies pretty much turn against us.

Have you ever tried being diagnosed with anything? I can't say I have massive faith in our health systems but if you do choose to carry on, maybe it might be worth pursuing? Just to put a name to a condition I think sometimes helps (in a weird way). Maybe there might be support also. I'm sorry life has treated you this way. I completely agree- it isn't fair. I hope you manage to find relief whatever you decide to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is nothing fair about this life and there never could be. This world is cruel and existing really can be torture. There seems to be no real relief from ourselves and the prison that is consciousness as long as we exist. I wish you the best.

 

[Primus]

I'm sorry. To me it sounds like you are actually a very articulate, deep thinking and deep feeling person who is being hampered by their own brain/ body. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. A family member had a stroke a few years back and it's so sad to see how our brains/ bodies pretty much turn against us.

Have you ever tried being diagnosed with anything? I can't say I have massive faith in our health systems but if you do choose to carry on, maybe it might be worth pursuing? Just to put a name to a condition I think sometimes helps (in a weird way). Maybe there might be support also. I'm sorry life has treated you this way. I completely agree- it isn't fair. I hope you manage to find relief whatever you decide to do.

I found a few co-workers who have a similar condition to me. Over the years I suspected some thing was wrong with me, and now I've got a lead. ADHD or ADD. I don't trust the medical system, because truth is I don't wanna be exploited for profit and become a medical burden for my life, which in turn will give them a reason to throw me out. Adareyll is another big no no. Since my boss says its addictive. So the best I can do is get a doctors note, as a proof of reason for accommodations and what not. To make it easier if I decide to go back to school or find work to which they're more forgiving torwards. But the thing that gets me is the fact It feels impossible to go back to school. Since it requires a lot of creative thinking, which results in my staring blankly. As I mentioned previously. I can't even do anything creative or that I enjoy. I don't know what I need to do. But when I try to explain this to my dad. He belittles me and thinks I am lying, he just can't seem to fathom it. For some reason. I tell him I try to get help since that is what he asks, but he is clearly leading me on as a jumping off point to start lecturing me.

He keeps citing my previous scholastic achievements and how gifted I was. He also used to call me a failure and it was the videogames fault for not wanting to pass the assignments and work back in grade school, despite me always being the only kid running to the second floor or stepping out in one of the classrooms to stare below. Since 4th grade I wanted to end it. Not once in my life's history have I desired or developed such feelings for this Orwellian education system. It gets to you, you know? You ask yourself, you begin to gaslight yourself.

"Whats your excuse huh?"

"Everyone has the same materials, sitting in the same room, observing the same white-board, accompanied by the same teacher."

It gets to you. They do try to help, my dad always cited my tutor, how once he was introduced I improved drastically. But the truth is, he did so much for me, that I am eternally grateful for not making me feel like an idiot the way the teachers did. I get it, no one is born literally knowing everything. But the truth is their is varying degrees of cognition and comprehension torwards a topic becoming introduced. The notion whether anyone is capable of understanding an introduced concept to the point of capable of productive execution is irrelevant, what is relevant is whether they can grasp the whiff of the concept at hand. If they can see you're saying. To put it bluntly, some kids knew how to walk, hobble, drag or even run, because it seemed familiar. But me, I just sat their, clueless as to how to use my limbs. I stare and realize maybe I am not cut out for this world. Once the tutor is out of the picture, I began to hobble or fall back into a curling position. I hope the metaphor is making sense. It is even more pressure, even you realize I try to avoid school. But I can't enter it, otherwise I may go insane and end it when I can. I have SN in my cart and can instantly buy it, at any notice. If I feel severally under pressure with the realization of reality, I might take it. It isn't a threat, but a fear.

 

[everythingblack]

I found a few co-workers who have a similar condition to me. Over the years I suspected some thing was wrong with me, and now I've got a lead. ADHD or ADD. I don't trust the medical system, because truth is I don't wanna be exploited for profit and become a medical burden for my life, which in turn will give them a reason to throw me out. Adareyll is another big no no. Since my boss says its addictive. So the best I can do is get a doctors note, as a proof of reason for accommodations and what not. To make it easier if I decide to go back to school or find work to which they're more forgiving torwards. But the thing that gets me is the fact It feels impossible to go back to school. Since it requires a lot of creative thinking, which results in my staring blankly. As I mentioned previously. I can't even do anything creative or that I enjoy. I don't know what I need to do. But when I try to explain this to my dad. He belittles me and thinks I am lying, he just can't seem to fathom it. For some reason. I tell him I try to get help since that is what he asks, but he is clearly leading me on as a jumping off point to start lecturing me.

He keeps citing my previous scholastic achievements and how gifted I was. He also used to call me a failure and it was the videogames fault for not wanting to pass the assignments and work back in grade school, despite me always being the only kid running to the second floor or stepping out in one of the classrooms to stare below. Since 4th grade I wanted to end it. Not once in my life's history have I desired or developed such feelings for this Orwellian education system. It gets to you, you know? You ask yourself, you begin to gaslight yourself.

"Whats your excuse huh?"

"Everyone has the same materials, sitting in the same room, observing the same white-board, accompanied by the same teacher."

It gets to you. They do try to help, my dad always cited my tutor, how once he was introduced I improved drastically. But the truth is, he did so much for me, that I am eternally grateful for not making me feel like an idiot the way the teachers did. I get it, no one is born literally knowing everything. But the truth is their is varying degrees of cognition and comprehension torwards a topic becoming introduced. The notion whether anyone is capable of understanding an introduced concept to the point of capable of productive execution is irrelevant, what is relevant is whether they can grasp the whiff of the concept at hand. If they can see you're saying. To put it bluntly, some kids knew how to walk, hobble, drag or even run, because it seemed familiar. But me, I just sat their, clueless as to how to use my limbs. I stare and realize maybe I am not cut out for this world. Once the tutor is out of the picture, I began to hobble or fall back into a curling position. I hope the metaphor is making sense. It is even more pressure, even you realize I try to avoid school. But I can't enter it, otherwise I may go insane and end it when I can. I have SN in my cart and can instantly buy it, at any notice. If I feel severally under pressure with the realization of reality, I might take it. It isn't a threat, but a fear.

A lot of the symptoms you mention you struggle with do sound like classic ADHD. I don't trust the health system much anymore either but I would highly recommend getting treatment and therapy for it. A lot of your struggles that have made you feel less-than or abnormal are actually common for those with it, like being gifted in school early on, playing a lot of video games, lacking motivation to do mundane tasks, etc. You are valid and it seems like your father does not understand this, which many people don't. Stimulants like Adderall may be addictive for the average person taking it recreationally, but your brain works differently and doesn't respond the same way. Over time you might build more of a tolerance to it so that is something to watch out for. Also, not everyone takes Adderall, there are a lot of different options out there that can work well combined with therapy. I myself am still trying to get treatment for ADHD so if you have access I'd implore you to get it. I just don't want to see someone else suffer similarly for something that may be preventable, so excuse me if I'm overstepping boundaries by responding to your comment