Story I have depressive thoughts all the time and I don't even know why.

[montanatype]

I don't even classify it as "venting", I don't know what's wrong with me, simply if I'm not researching, informing myself, or consuming works on topics related to suicide or depression, I don't feel comfortable, these days I wanted to leave them aside, and I'm very nervous, I feel the need to get high, I'm really in a death spiral and I don't even know how it ended like this, was it really the only way? What leads a person to end up like this? I don't understand, I don't understand anything.
And if I didn't really kill myself, how could I be a person after all this? of everything you've experienced? of everything experienced? I can't just press a button and delete everything.

 

[imjustamtfgirl]

(Schitzo post ahead) If I'm catching your drift, I can relate similarly to the difficulty wrapping ones head around ceasing existence and with that, "experience". How does a human consciousness just cease to exist? We cant experience truly nothing, like a true nothing...no experience at all. Is it because its seemingly the only foolproof "way out" of this life and onto whatever lies ahead?

 

[csdfghjjk_user]

I don't even classify it as "venting", I don't know what's wrong with me, simply if I'm not researching, informing myself, or consuming works on topics related to suicide or depression, I don't feel comfortable, these days I wanted to leave them aside, and I'm very nervous, I feel the need to get high, I'm really in a death spiral and I don't even know how it ended like this, was it really the only way? What leads a person to end up like this? I don't understand, I don't understand anything.
And if I didn't really kill myself, how could I be a person after all this? of everything you've experienced? of everything experienced? I can't just press a button and delete everything.

Hey, first of all, I feel like giving u a hug. These thoughts are scary. I was scared shitless when I first got them in december (for no reason in my opinion). But I just kept spiralling and spiralling. And talking to me would be like talking against a wall. I was (and still am) annoyingly stubborn in this regard and feel I have no control over this.

Have you someone to talk about it to? Maybe a professional?

What I gathered from all my talks with my therapist, maybe it can help you, a depressive episode can happen. There might not be a visible trigger to cause them. And asking why these thoughts are there will not really help (I have a hard time to accept this which is why it's getting worse for me). And if depression takes over, it's like a big dark shadow. It's paralizing. For me it's as if I am a completly different person. It helps to try to identify those thoughts as such and let them pass. Battling the thoughts with action. And trying to not engage and let them spiral. (Imagine u are a kid and see some candy, but have to refuse to eat that candy. Maybe the metaphor is a bit weird but for depression, depressive thoughts are like candy). Try to find distractions. Maybe not getting high cause the low after might feel worse. Maybe do what feels absolutely unintuitive in the moment and depression tries to convince u that it's stupid ⇒ breathing exercises, walk outside, do some small excersise. Routines help. It might not solve the issue but hold u a little. And it works to reverse the spiral slowly. Grateful journal helps too.

 

[wantingdignity]

I relate to this. I constantly want to consume anything related to suicide. Maybe you could say that it is a way for your brain to process suicidal thoughts through catharsis. I feel like it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be a version of self harm if you're not careful.

I recently finished rereading 'We Are the Ants.' It's a young adult novel about a teen being abducted by aliens and being given the choice to save the world or let it end. This teen is going through a lot and just lost his boyfriend to suicide. Reading it was pretty cathartic.

I feel like the balance is recognizing how you feel when you consume the material. How are you processing the emotions that come up? Are you finding relief in it, or consuming it as if it were some kind of porn (like, obsessively watching shows where they glorify suicide, etc).

Youre definitely not the only one