Venting i dont really get why my fp abandoned me

[ketaminekisses]

i just dont get it.
Hes attracted to me, when we're together things are perfect more often than not, we have so much chemistry, there isnt a line i wouldnt cross for him.
i just feel like im the perfect fit lmao.

he left because im too much for him. He got tired of needing to give me constant attention, he got tired of my episodes and the outcome of him not giving me enough attention and my suicidal tendencies and all the bullshit that comes with it,BUT MOST OF THAT WOULD IMPROVE IF HE JUS RESPECTED MY TRIGGERS MKRE.
ive told him what behaviors cause me to dpiral and breakdown and split and all that bpd awfulness, but it feels like he doesnt even try to cater to me.

i dont understand why he cant spend every moment with me though, why he doesnt want to. i'd like to say when my triggers are avoided, i am an amazing girlfriend, i am sooooo loving. everything i do, i do for him, he is my world. why does he want a liffe outside me? i cant fathom wanting anything more than him. i am so fucking childish for that, i know.
im ffalling apart without him, willing to do anything to have him back. i sound so melodramatic but without him i dont have anything to go on for

sorry this is all over the place. im scatterbrained to begin with and now i cant sleep or eat either lmao

edit: PLEASEEE dont pity this man. He has exploited my fear of abandonment and gotten hundreds of dollars from me, assaulted me, cheated on me on my birthday and gets mad at me for the suspicion its instilled in me now lmao, and i think manipulates me because i cant be upset with him, he always makes it about him and find a reason to be mad at me so i end up apologizing and the reason why i was upset gets left ignored.

 

[pang of joy]

i just dont get it.
Hes attracted to me, when we're together things are perfect more often than not, we have so much chemistry, there isnt a line i wouldnt cross for him.
i just feel like im the perfect fit lmao.

he left because im too much for him. He got tired of needing to give me constant attention, he got tired of my episodes and the outcome of him not giving me enough attention and my suicidal tendencies and all the bullshit that comes with it,BUT MOST OF THAT WOULD IMPROVE IF HE JUS RESPECTED MY TRIGGERS MKRE.
ive told him what behaviors cause me to dpiral and breakdown and split and all that bpd awfulness, but it feels like he doesnt even try to cater to me.

i dont understand why he cant spend every moment with me though, why he doesnt want to. i'd like to say when my triggers are avoided, i am an amazing girlfriend, i am sooooo loving. everything i do, i do for him, he is my world. why does he want a liffe outside me? i cant fathom wanting anything more than him. i am so fucking childish for that, i know.
im ffalling apart without him, willing to do anything to have him back. i sound so melodramatic but without him i dont have anything to go on for

sorry this is all over the place. im scatterbrained to begin with and now i cant sleep or eat either lmao

edit: PLEASEEE dont pity this man. He has exploited my fear of abandonment and gotten hundreds of dollars from me, assaulted me, cheated on me on my birthday and gets mad at me for the suspicion its instilled in me now lmao, and i think manipulates me because i cant be upset with him, he always makes it about him and find a reason to be mad at me so i end up apologizing and the reason why i was upset gets left ignored.

I understand how you feel but i think it's a good thing you're distancing yourself from him because this kind of attachment is extremely unhealthy. Especially after the things you mentioned in the edit, you seriously dont deserve someone who treats you like that. The reason he left you is irrelevant as, if anything, you should be grateful you dont need to waste your time and energy on this manipulative asshole anymore. Please take care of yourself i wish you the best xx

 

[MrDarkness]

I can relate, the love of my life manipulated me, idk if she ever loved me, but those moments were she lied, I was at peace and I would do it again. Love is a curse, I wish I could forget her

 

[ketaminekisses]

I understand how you feel but i think it's a good thing you're distancing yourself from him because this kind of attatchment is extremely unhealthy. Especially after the things you mentioned in the edit, you seriously dont deserve someone who treats you like that. The reason he left you is irrelevant as, if anything, you should be grateful you dont need to waste your time and energy on this manipulative asshole anymore. Please take care of yourself i wish you the best xx

easier said than done..
embarrassing to admit but i am not distancing myself.. i am practically harassing him. ive sent thousands of texts pleading with him to take me back, talking abt how i want to ctb without him, promising to get treatment for my problems.
i think he loves the attention though. He reads it all, sometimes tells me to leave him alone but doesnt take any steps to actually be left alone. Hes blocked me befire, MANY TIMES, he has no problem doing that. i think he jus loves the power over me

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm borderline and can fully relate to all that you are going through.
The push-pull cycle is devastating.
I've destroyed any chance of being happy because of my BPD shitfuckery.
I honestly think it would take a very special partner to put up with me.
Someone with unconditional love to give.
Yet, none of this is our fault, because bpd is an illness as opposed to actually being a personality flaw .
But ultimately, you never deserved to be treated like this and deserve so much better. Yet when things become toxic it's best to just discard the relationship once and for all. But that's just my own personal take on things.
I'm so sorry you have gone through this.

 

[pang of joy]

easier said than done..
embarrassing to admit but i am not distancing myself.. i am practically harassing him. ive sent thousands of texts pleading with him to take me back, talking abt how i want to ctb without him, promising to get treatment for my problems.
i think he loves the attention though. He reads it all, sometimes tells me to leave him alone but doesnt take any steps to actually be left alone. Hes blocked me befire, MANY TIMES, he has no problem doing that. i think he jus loves the power over me

The endless cycle of toxicity is really the worst lol. You're already struggling with mental illness and his abuse does nothing to help. It really makes you feel like there's no meaning without him but there's seriously nothing good for you in that relationship. He's taking advantage of your vulnerability and obsession with him. You deserve someone who will at the very least give you compassion and understanding.

 

[hellispink]

You know we borderlines tend to fall for narcissists i assume. He sounds much like one. Makes you idealize him, make you need him. Make you question your sanity leave you abandon you with tons of why. They take advantage of us not everything is our fault not everything is because we feel too much. There is a lot of times when they make us feel unworthy, they give love attention and make us feel nice then take it away. I suggest you run never look back. The more you keep going back the loop will keep happening until he destroys everything on his path

 

[90starve]

this sounds a little similar to my situation too - i have a lot of behaviours that align with BPD. although i am not diagnosed, i really relate to some of the things you've mentioned here.

i personally think that you should distance yourself from him, even if it's only 2 weeks. if getting back together is what you want, time apart may be helpful - give him a chance to miss you.

i can understand why he would want space, because i have seen it in my boyfriend. unfortunately partners like us, who constantly crave attention and split when we don't get it, are very difficult to "put up with" long term.

im sorry that he has been abusing your fears, and has used you for financial benefit - it may be best to just bring the relationship to an end :/

 

[Suicidebydeath]

First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be rough to live with bpd, assuming you have that. Second, don't blame yourself for the breakup, any of the things you listed in your edit means you are really better off without him, as far away from him as possible, even if you don't feel like that now.

Last, if I ignore the edit (which I'm not), and you appreciate a blunt answer, I think that you did write the reasons why he might have left you in your OP. You don't agree with his reasons but aren't seeing that you're asking for a lot from a partner in general and I think you can only see this part of the relationship from your point of view and not his. A lot of the things you wrote only make sense that way because you're aware of his reasons, you just don't understand them. It's just too much to expect somebody to spend every moment with you, even though it is possible, and requiring constant attention can make it feel like you don't respect the other person's boundaries and needs for their own space and time. You see the relationship as perfect but it's not how he sees the relationship, and from an outsider's viewpoint its not perfect for either of you. Right now, it sounds worse for you and I don't think pursuing this relationship is healthy.

I can tell you that in other relationships, even the most stable ones people don't necessarily want to spend to time all of their time together. It does not matter how loving you feel, the other person will not want to feel like they have to cater to you, and they will actually feel like they're under pressure and will not enjoy it, when it should be mutually good for both of you. If you want someone to spend all of their time with you then you have to understand that attraction isn't necessarily enough, and that they still might not want to. I would take a step back and reexamine your roles in the relationship, I don't think being with that guy helped with your mental illness and I think it will only get worse if you stay together. Feel free to take this with a grain of salt.

Imho, you should end this relationship. Block him too, it sounds very manipulative and they will only find more ways to hurt you if you stay in touch.

 

[MeltingBrain]

Yikes !
I think you already know that you need to break up. Like that hard stuck band-aid on our skin , Just take a breath unfriend him on socials media websites delete his contact, get a new sim card temporarily, and stash the old one till you forget about him .

 

[SexyIncél]

edit: PLEASEEE dont pity this man.

Yep, no pitying him here. We're here just for you!

i dont understand why he cant spend every moment with me though, why he doesnt want to.

Unfortunately, this triggers some well-known problems: Once fully subordinate/enslaved to him, you become an extension of him. Since you're no longer another person, you can no longer recognize him. And humans crave recognition. (For example, we don't just want sex — but also be recognized as someone worthy enough for sex.) And so he's alone; sex becomes masturbation

Sadomasochism in Everyday Life, p. 71, has the best explanation I know

btw, such people can become crueller if your bpd ever causes you to devalue him. (I'm not saying you'd ever do that, but I've seen some do it!) By pushing one of his buttons: calling him dumb, admiring another guy, whatever makes him freak out. Typically, there's no undo button. Identifying & avoiding these landmines is my top prio. If I step on one, game over

i am so fucking childish for that, i know.

Only in a literal sense. My understanding is, you're feeling the separation anxiety of a young child. A child can't help reacting that way, and neither can you. You're suffering the fear of death; your body's mechanisms are forcing you into this

 

[Nephis]

i just dont get it.
Hes attracted to me, when we're together things are perfect more often than not, we have so much chemistry, there isnt a line i wouldnt cross for him.
i just feel like im the perfect fit lmao.

he left because im too much for him. He got tired of needing to give me constant attention, he got tired of my episodes and the outcome of him not giving me enough attention and my suicidal tendencies and all the bullshit that comes with it,BUT MOST OF THAT WOULD IMPROVE IF HE JUS RESPECTED MY TRIGGERS MKRE.
ive told him what behaviors cause me to dpiral and breakdown and split and all that bpd awfulness, but it feels like he doesnt even try to cater to me.

i dont understand why he cant spend every moment with me though, why he doesnt want to. i'd like to say when my triggers are avoided, i am an amazing girlfriend, i am sooooo loving. everything i do, i do for him, he is my world. why does he want a liffe outside me? i cant fathom wanting anything more than him. i am so fucking childish for that, i know.
im ffalling apart without him, willing to do anything to have him back. i sound so melodramatic but without him i dont have anything to go on for

sorry this is all over the place. im scatterbrained to begin with and now i cant sleep or eat either lmao

edit: PLEASEEE dont pity this man. He has exploited my fear of abandonment and gotten hundreds of dollars from me, assaulted me, cheated on me on my birthday and gets mad at me for the suspicion its instilled in me now lmao, and i think manipulates me because i cant be upset with him, he always makes it about him and find a reason to be mad at me so i end up apologizing and the reason why i was upset gets left ignored.

Do not make an effort to understand, do not make yourself live under that weight, love only exists for you, you do not exist for it. You may see yourself as a child but you are a child of humans, you are imperfect, you are beautiful, whenever you feel fear feel hope.

Cry, hope, be yourself...and then repeat, you are strong, and you will be so whether you choose to walk on the shores, or feel the grass of the world underneath your feet.

~For you, I hope, relief