Venting i don't know

[loweroneseyes]

just airing some shit out

i feel like my life is already on the verge of being over. i mean, i've been thinking that all my conscious life, though.

a few months ago my ex left me, and i lost friends, the main people that helped me get by throughout the years. and that kind of sent me over the edge.
i loved them so much. they loved me so much too, but they lost feelings, and it was my fault. i still feel as crushed as i did on day one. i really, really, didn't want it to end. i tried so hard.
i think about them every day from when i wake up to when i go to sleep, and i don't have enough going on in my life to even know how to stop. the way that it happened was traumatizing for both of us, for me it reopened a really old wound and i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i feel so worthless and rotten.

there's nothing i can do now but move forward. i can't pretend that it doesn't feel like a part of my soul was ripped out. i don't feel good about my prognosis. even in the future if i might be happy for a while, the ground is gonna get ripped up again and i'll be back at square one like i am now. i'm gonna get hurt either way, that's just life. i'm a little bit better off now than a few years ago but what does it matter when killing myself is still always at the back of my mind?

i wish i could feel at ease around my loved ones. i struggle to even think i love other people because why would i want to open myself up when it's so fleeting? even though i want to stop being lonely. i had that for a little bit with my ex, but it feels like that will never happen again. a lot of my friends have lovers, stability. it kills me that it feels like i have to beg them to spend time with me when they know i'm vulnerable right now.

i'm terrified of other people but i'm desperate to be understood. it's hard to even express this anymore, i can't open up to anyone. it makes me feel disappointed, disgusted and/or afraid. the feeling of my throat closing when i cry but being unable to make any noise is suffocating

i've been forcing myself to go outside but it doesnt actually make me feel better. just leaves me alone with my thoughts. even talking to others makes me feel empty somehow. who really wants to be driven to the point of killing themselves? i'm so starved for love, it's all i ever wanted. and i know it is around me but there is a barrier between me and that world. something that a damaged person could not bear to understand

college is coming up for me soon and i still have the will to try but i fear the outcome will be the same

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Gosh you have been through so much, I know the feeling of not wanting to repeat endless suffering and disappointment. May you find relief soon.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I can relate so much with your post. I'm in the same position. Loneliness is a killer. I tried so hard to make irl friends but to no avail. Same with the lover situation. Nobody is interested in me, even in the slightest. I'm not interesting to anybody.