Venting I don’t know what to do

[BlueButterfly111]

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to just end it. I have chronic head pain and no insurance. I still miss my boyfriend who passed away over a year ago so much, I feel so lonely. I'm in so much pain, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I know that I should probably just end it and things probably won't get better. I just want my boyfriend to come back alive and walk through the door again. That's all that I want, and I know it's selfish to want that. I literally begged him to stay and not to leave me, he told me that he wanted to have me as his girlfriend forever, but then he died.

Why did he have to leave me? I needed him. I think part of the reason I'm scared to die is that I'm scared I'm never gonna see him again. No one understands my pain, to lose your soulmate so young. You see all these people in relationships and you see so many romantic things everywhere. He was the only person that checked up on me and showed that he cared about me. He used to ask me if I ate every day and bring me food. He truly cared in a way that no one else does, I feel so alone.

I don't even know what to do. I'm scared, I need help and I have no emotional support. Killing myself seems drastic, but a lot of times it feels like I have no other choice. I kind of want to give myself a date, and if things don't get better then I can go through with it. But every time I do that something happens, and I change my mind. I guess I always just thought that when I've reached my breaking point I'll know.

 

[_Gollum_]

Was wondering where you had gone, hadn't seen you post in a while. I'm sorry things are still so bad, grief can last a really long time...

But every time I do that something happens, and I change my mind. I guess I always just thought that when I've reached my breaking point I'll know.

What kind of things happen to make you change your mind?

 

[Rockman]

No one understands my pain, to lose your soulmate so young.

Really? And did you ask how many people stayed with their first love their entire lives?
This looks bad. This is a case for a good therapist. It's time to learn to live for yourself.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I'm sorry you're going through all this butterfly. I remember seeing your posts, and I'm feeling sad along with you right now. :(

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I was also wondering about you recently, good to see you here again. I feel I can almost relate to your feelings, and I'm truly sorry for the immense grief you are experiencing. Sending love your way.

 

[Nightfoot]

I'm sorry you're suffering so. I hope things get better for you.