becfr0g
cruel to keep living, burdensome to die
- Sep 30, 2024
- 10
I want to die so badly but im still on the fence about suicide, i want it all to end, but if i dont do that then i have to start my life. It would be so hard and i probably would end up giving up anyways. Id have to go to college then maybe university, and socialising is hellish for me.
If i were to have any career, id want it to be involved in forensic psychiatry, because thats the only thing that seems to interest me even a little bit at the moment (likely due to a years long fixation on hannibal). But ive got no qualifications, and it would be so fucking hard to even leave my house to get to a college, nevermind taking classes and doing practicals. Id end up paying a ton to get into classes and then dropping out because im so depressed and anxious about everything.
It feels like a cycle - i have nothing going on for me, i feel suicidal and depressed, so to fix that i should begin education, to have something going for me that i can focus on.
BUT i cant begin education whilst feeling so suicidal and depressed, i will drop out immediately and waste what little money i have for nothing.
Ive been on meds for 4 years now and i havent not felt depressed / suicidal ever. When i try to take myself off the meds i end up crying and sobbing and am literally unable to stop like a stupid fucking infant, so i have to take them again and go to sleep.
If i were to have any career, id want it to be involved in forensic psychiatry, because thats the only thing that seems to interest me even a little bit at the moment (likely due to a years long fixation on hannibal). But ive got no qualifications, and it would be so fucking hard to even leave my house to get to a college, nevermind taking classes and doing practicals. Id end up paying a ton to get into classes and then dropping out because im so depressed and anxious about everything.
It feels like a cycle - i have nothing going on for me, i feel suicidal and depressed, so to fix that i should begin education, to have something going for me that i can focus on.
BUT i cant begin education whilst feeling so suicidal and depressed, i will drop out immediately and waste what little money i have for nothing.
Ive been on meds for 4 years now and i havent not felt depressed / suicidal ever. When i try to take myself off the meds i end up crying and sobbing and am literally unable to stop like a stupid fucking infant, so i have to take them again and go to sleep.
