I broke up with my partner who I love very much because I could tell the anxiety and stress of being with me was getting to him. He knows I'm suicidal and have a plan ready. I promised to him that I wouldn't ctb this year but he still ached knowing I was having thoughts anyway.
I was living for him. I have never lived for myself, only other people. That made him feel lots of pressure but kept it to himself. I was ready to ride my bus but then I met him and I've stuck around since because he says I make him happy. Don't know what to do next. My ex partner claimed to be prepared to be my boyfriend but it didn't go well as you can see.
This man...I still love him. But just by being together with him I bring the poor dude down. Even if I kept all my ideations to myself. He doesn't want me to die. But I do want to die and can leave as soon as late October/early November. Yes I'd be breaking my promise but he'd be free of the emotional baggage that is me. I never want to feel like a burden. He's better off finding someone else later. I wanna take the step that'd hurt him as little as possible.
I have no clue what to do. The right thing to do here feels like going through with ctbing this year and not speaking to him again. As much as it agonizes me to do so.
I wanted things to work out between us...
Please help. I don't know what to do and I can't ask my counselor because she doesn't know I have a plan. Wasn't sure if I should've posted this in the recovery section or not but given that I'd rather die I posted it here.
I was living for him. I have never lived for myself, only other people. That made him feel lots of pressure but kept it to himself. I was ready to ride my bus but then I met him and I've stuck around since because he says I make him happy. Don't know what to do next. My ex partner claimed to be prepared to be my boyfriend but it didn't go well as you can see.
This man...I still love him. But just by being together with him I bring the poor dude down. Even if I kept all my ideations to myself. He doesn't want me to die. But I do want to die and can leave as soon as late October/early November. Yes I'd be breaking my promise but he'd be free of the emotional baggage that is me. I never want to feel like a burden. He's better off finding someone else later. I wanna take the step that'd hurt him as little as possible.
I have no clue what to do. The right thing to do here feels like going through with ctbing this year and not speaking to him again. As much as it agonizes me to do so.
I wanted things to work out between us...
Please help. I don't know what to do and I can't ask my counselor because she doesn't know I have a plan. Wasn't sure if I should've posted this in the recovery section or not but given that I'd rather die I posted it here.
