Anhaedra
Member
- May 5, 2024
- 23
I've been suffering for a long time now, almost a decade. I have severe mental illness problems, and therapy isn't really available or useful in the country I live in. I don't know if I'm allowed to what I'm suffering from, but it's a lot more than I can take anymore. No matter how bad it gets, every year it gets worse somehow. I've always had suicidal thoughts but I never acted upon it until the last few weeks, and since then my life has been hell. I keep thinking of why I shouldn't it but I literally can't find any reason to stay: my mental illness makes it impossible for me to find and maintain a job, or talk to people, or have a relationships. I don't enjoy anything anymore even videogames or watching anime or whatever, can't seem to keep doing anything more than 5 minutes.
I'm in so much pain I can't describe it, I fucking hate waking up, and it takes me hours for me to get out of bed. Seriously, if I decided to live, where do I go from here? I don't want to live my life being a burden to everyone I know, can't even financially support myself, can't even find the energy to learn a skill for a remote online job, can't go outside without feeling so fucking anxious about everything and everyone. I don't think I speak anymore, yeah. I sit in my room for days without speaking a single word, and when I try to speak to anyone (like my parents) I cant even form a single sentence without stuttering.
I wish I had the courage to truly kms, but I don't. And I'm left stuck in this existence, without a clue what to do anymore. If someone offered me an easy, painful way out I'd surely take it. But still after all this, I feel like I'm "throwing away" my life, and that by some miracle my life is going to get better. I don't truly believe that's gonna happen, but that's the thought that sometimes pop in the back of my head. "what if it gets better?" but really, it never gets better. I don't know why I'm writing this, don't think anyone could possibly tell me anything that can help me in this situation, but I want to make sure before I do anything. I don't mind living a simple life if it's just clear of pain.
I'm in so much pain I can't describe it, I fucking hate waking up, and it takes me hours for me to get out of bed. Seriously, if I decided to live, where do I go from here? I don't want to live my life being a burden to everyone I know, can't even financially support myself, can't even find the energy to learn a skill for a remote online job, can't go outside without feeling so fucking anxious about everything and everyone. I don't think I speak anymore, yeah. I sit in my room for days without speaking a single word, and when I try to speak to anyone (like my parents) I cant even form a single sentence without stuttering.
I wish I had the courage to truly kms, but I don't. And I'm left stuck in this existence, without a clue what to do anymore. If someone offered me an easy, painful way out I'd surely take it. But still after all this, I feel like I'm "throwing away" my life, and that by some miracle my life is going to get better. I don't truly believe that's gonna happen, but that's the thought that sometimes pop in the back of my head. "what if it gets better?" but really, it never gets better. I don't know why I'm writing this, don't think anyone could possibly tell me anything that can help me in this situation, but I want to make sure before I do anything. I don't mind living a simple life if it's just clear of pain.
