NSFW I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, *comments are really appreciated

[burninghill]

*I sometimes feel like I'm going insane when I post on here and it doesn't get much traction. We can't all be winners but I just want to feel seen. I'm having a hard time right now.

Uhhhh content warnings whatever yeah NSFW post

I deliberately went to the club to try and get assaulted tonight, I only got to my hotel 5 minutes ago. I bought a new outfit (which is more feminine than id typically go for) and just… hung out at the gay club by myself. I feel so guilty, I just get all these intrusive thoughts and I want to make myself die so bad that the only option feels like forcing something terrible to happen so that it pushes me over the edge.

I ended up almost getting what I wanted, a guy asked me for a dance and I said yes, he was just holding me while we watched the drag queen and rubbing my waist: it honestly felt really good, part of me wishes I didn't leave.

There was a photographer there which started to really freak me out because we were quite close to the drag queen he was taking pictures of and the guy asked me to kiss him. I asked him if he thought he was worth it. I've never kissed anyone before. I wanted to kiss him, honestly- I was just worried that he'd expect more after. My hotel isn't far from the club.

I told him I'd be 2 seconds and that I'd be back, he followed me thinking I was going to the bar and I left quickly, I didn't see him leave as I turned the corner. He was very drunk, so hopefully he was confused and lost me. I got in a taxi so he couldn't follow me.

I just feel so disgusting and guilty, I got exactly what I wanted and I didn't take it. What's wrong with me? I hate using the R slur but that's really what I feel like right now. I feel like shit, I hope I'm not in any of those photos, not only because I'm being groped by a stranger (albeit consensually) but also because of my stupid fucking outfit. I don't know if any of this shit sounds like a big deal, but I'm just really upset. I'm sorry.

 

[SackOfCrap445]

sorry you went through this. Youre probably upset because you wanted to do something reckless under the assumption that youd be dead afterwards. And its a bummer because it didnt happen, and now you have to worry about the fallout (photos, dangerous people and shit). why would you want to go out this way of all ways? what were the intrusive thoughts like before this happened? this is a really traumatic and way to go out, id encourage you to get help or heavily research less traumatic methods dude

edit: sorry if this reads badly or seems unsympathetic, i have npd and likely aspd

 

[MrsT-800]

First of all: I am so sorry.
Second: It is not you. It is difficult.

I did the same, when it happened to me. You are processing it. You will feel weird, conflicting things, trying to make sense of it; because it was nonsensical. Not only out of the ordinary sequence of events, but so legally, morally, socially wrong.
I want to say this not to scare you but as a big sister type: At least, to me, it is something I am conflicted by and dealing with 10 years on. I don't want to say, that this is the case for everyone. But it may prepare you, if so.

But there is a difference in types of good. Physically? Of course. Mentally? Yes also. It can feel validating and good to feel desired but also wrong, deeply wrong. It's complex. Emotions are not always so simple and one-way.

Give it time. And thought, if you can. But right now, just try to find comfort and peace.

 

[burninghill]

sorry you went through this. Youre probably upset because you wanted to do something reckless under the assumption that youd be dead afterwards. And its a bummer because it didnt happen, and now you have to worry about the fallout (photos, dangerous people and shit). why would you want to go out this way of all ways? what were the intrusive thoughts like before this happened? this is a really traumatic and way to go out, id encourage you to get help or heavily research less traumatic methods dude

I didn't necessarily want to die this way, I just wanted this to be something that upset me so much that I felt like I couldn't live, it worked… sort of.
I have always had intrusive thoughts like this, since I was about 11 or 12, wanting terrible things to happen to me so that I become more and more suicidal.

 

[fadedghost]

*I sometimes feel like I'm going insane when I post on here and it doesn't get much traction. We can't all be winners but I just want to feel seen. I'm having a hard time right now.

Uhhhh content warnings whatever yeah NSFW post

I deliberately went to the club to try and get assaulted tonight, I only got to my hotel 5 minutes ago. I bought a new outfit (which is more feminine than id typically go for) and just… hung out at the gay club by myself. I feel so guilty, I just get all these intrusive thoughts and I want to make myself die so bad that the only option feels like forcing something terrible to happen so that it pushes me over the edge.

I ended up almost getting what I wanted, a guy asked me for a dance and I said yes, he was just holding me while we watched the drag queen and rubbing my waist: it honestly felt really good, part of me wishes I didn't leave.

There was a photographer there which started to really freak me out because we were quite close to the drag queen he was taking pictures of and the guy asked me to kiss him. I asked him if he thought he was worth it. I've never kissed anyone before. I wanted to kiss him, honestly- I was just worried that he'd expect more after. My hotel isn't far from the club.

I told him I'd be 2 seconds and that I'd be back, he followed me thinking I was going to the bar and I left quickly, I didn't see him leave as I turned the corner. He was very drunk, so hopefully he was confused and lost me. I got in a taxi so he couldn't follow me.

I just feel so disgusting and guilty, I got exactly what I wanted and I didn't take it. What's wrong with me? I hate using the R slur but that's really what I feel like right now. I feel like shit, I hope I'm not in any of those photos, not only because I'm being groped by a stranger (albeit consensually) but also because of my stupid fucking outfit. I don't know if any of this shit sounds like a big deal, but I'm just really upset. I'm sorry.

I'm not following the post. I haven't read your other posts, but maybe there is a lack of information needed for people to understand.

I am not sure if you are born male and gay and went to a gay club, but just have a picture of a female for your avatar. I am not sure if you are a woman born female who tried to get assaulted at a gay club. I don't know if you are trans and a woman and born male and went to a gay club.

Also, when you say you wanted to be assaulted, there are things like CNC (consent non-consent) for people who want that, but bringing in real people and trying to be assaulted sounds... lacking in empathy somewhat, and I'm not sure if that's your intent. I am guessing it is not your intent to lack empathy.

I also don't know why you have a hotel. Are you traveling? What context has this occurred under?

I'm not sure exactly why you feel disgusting or guilty. I don't know why you're presuming you would have been sexually assaulted.

It's a bit hard to read and understand the situation. Being social is often very hard, especially when you aren't used to it. It is often uncomfortable, and people often use alcohol because of that. Socializing is often nerve-wracking and not always fun, but sometimes you meet new people or something cool happens, and so you deal with difficult emotions to hopefully have fun once in a while.

I also don't understand whether you are suicidal, trying to get better, or just engaging in what you perceive to be risky behavior. Have you tried dialectical behavioral therapy? Check out Marsha Linahan.

I'm sorry if this isn't much of a response but I understand very little of what happened based on your post. Clearer writing might lead to more responses.

 

[SackOfCrap445]

I didn't necessarily want to die this way, I just wanted this to be something that upset me so much that I felt like I couldn't live, it worked… sort of.
I have always had intrusive thoughts like this, since I was about 11 or 12, wanting terrible things to happen to me so that I become more and more suicidal.

i get that. ive had moments like that, and always regreted it. i dont want to encourage suicide, but if you do decide to commit, dont go about it like this. Give yourself a chance, if you want to escape reality, do it in a clean decisive way. Dont put you or others in harms way for an indirect suicide. thats just as painful as a long slow death, youre just doing it emotionally instead of physically. For your own sake, choose a humane method to die. you deserve better than this bro

 

[burninghill]

I'm not following the post. I haven't read your other posts, but maybe there is a lack of information needed for people to understand.

I am not sure if you are born male and gay and went to a gay club, but just have a picture of a female for your avatar. I am not sure if you are a woman born female who tried to get assaulted at a gay club. I don't know if you are trans and a woman and born male and went to a gay club.

Also, when you say you wanted to be assaulted, there are things like CNC (consent non-consent) for people who want that, but bringing in real people and trying to be assaulted sounds... lacking in empathy somewhat, and I'm not sure if that's your intent. I am guessing it is not your intent to lack empathy.

I also don't know why you have a hotel. Are you traveling? What context has this occurred under?

I'm not sure exactly why you feel disgusting or guilty. I don't know why you're presuming you would have been sexually assaulted.

It's a bit hard to read and understand the situation. Being social is often very hard, especially when you aren't used to it. It is often uncomfortable, and people often use alcohol because of that. Socializing is often nerve-wracking and not always fun, but sometimes you meet new people or something cool happens, and so you deal with difficult emotions to hopefully have fun once in a while.

I also don't understand whether you are suicidal, trying to get better, or just engaging in what you perceive to be risky behavior. Have you tried dialectical behavioral therapy? Check out Marsha Linahan.

I'm sorry if this isn't much of a response but I understand very little of what happened based on your post. Clearer writing might lead to more responses.

I'm bigender born female and I'm sexually queer. I know what CNC is, that is not what I was trying to partake in.

I don't have a good explanation. Intrusive thoughts don't care about empathy or who else is involved. I know acting on this shit makes me a bad person. I didn't necessarily 'presume I would be sexually assaulted', but I knew, you know, going into a club as a feminine looking person drunk and by yourself is risky.
It didn't even have to be an assault, I knew even if I had consensual sex with someone from the club that I'd regret it deeply and feel guilty afterwards. That's just how I am.
I can't control myself when I get too deep into a thought like this, which is why they feel shallow and logistically unconsidered at times.

I am in a hotel. I'm on a 2 day trip for my birthday, which is next Thursday.

It being a gay bar specifically had nothing to do with this besides that I'm an androgynous person and thought I would be perceived as more desirable there.
I am suicidal AND engaging in risky behaviour. I just regretted the behaviour that I partook in.

I want to clarify that I know all this shit is had. I know it's really bad. I'm a bad person. I shouldn't be trying to victimise myself under any circumstances, especially if it involves others. I already feel guilty enough. It's also been an hour or so, which is why I'm better able to explain my thinking and what happened.

i get that. ive had moments like that, and always regreted it. i dont want to encourage suicide, but if you do decide to commit, dont go about it like this. Give yourself a chance, if you want to escape reality, do it in a clean decisive way. Dont put you or others in harms way for an indirect suicide. thats just as painful as a long slow death, youre just doing it emotionally instead of physically. For your own sake, choose a humane method to die. you deserve better than this bro

Yeah thank you man. I already have a method and date planned and everything, I'm just being an idiot and quite selfish, honestly.

 

[fadedghost]

I'm bigender born female and I'm sexually queer. I know what CNC is, that is not what I was trying to partake in.

I don't have a good explanation. Intrusive thoughts don't care about empathy or who else is involved. I know acting on this shit makes me a bad person. I didn't necessarily 'presume I would be sexually assaulted', but I knew, you know, going into a club as a feminine looking person drunk and by yourself is risky.
It didn't even have to be an assault, I knew even if I had consensual sex with someone from the club that I'd regret it deeply and feel guilty afterwards. That's just how I am.
I can't control myself when I get too deep into a thought like this, which is why they feel shallow and logistically unconsidered at times.

I am in a hotel. I'm on a 2 day trip for my birthday, which is next Thursday.

It being a gay bar specifically had nothing to do with this besides that I'm an androgynous person and thought I would be perceived as more desirable there.
I am suicidal AND engaging in risky behaviour. I just regretted the behaviour that I partook in.

I want to clarify that I know all this shit is had. I know it's really bad. I'm a bad person. I shouldn't be trying to victimise myself under any circumstances, especially if it involves others. I already feel guilty enough. It's also been an hour or so, which is why I'm better able to explain my thinking and what happened.

Yeah thank you man. I already have a method and date planned and everything, I'm just being an idiot and quite selfish, honestly.

I'm not sure it's bad or that you're bad, as no one got hurt, and thinking about things doesn't really hurt anyone if your actions are fine, and they were.

Happy early birthday.