i need help, before I do something irreversible again. im extremely suicidal, for many years, no doubt. but also subconsciously scared of death.
everytime I've tried to commit, I've done it sober but out of great emotional peril. and after a certain point in, when the symptoms really start to settle in, panicked beyond recognition, subconsciously wanted to live.
my suicidal thoughts and anhedonia make daily life impossible, due to the self destructive decisions I take. i cant focus on anything else, other than obsessing over my own death. my fear could be the way old religious theories have drilled their way through to my subconscious. ive been in a coma for a long time, multiple times in my life and I'm assuming, death is a far fetched version of that.
i have a time constraint, today is the last possible day I could do it, until almost next year. i cannot continue life like this, even practically, because I'm essentially wasting over precious years. I dont have anyone at all, with whom I can talk to. im tired of living in indecision. at this point, i feel im going to have to force myself to kill myself, but I'm not going to lie about being scared.
everytime I've tried to commit, I've done it sober but out of great emotional peril. and after a certain point in, when the symptoms really start to settle in, panicked beyond recognition, subconsciously wanted to live.
my suicidal thoughts and anhedonia make daily life impossible, due to the self destructive decisions I take. i cant focus on anything else, other than obsessing over my own death. my fear could be the way old religious theories have drilled their way through to my subconscious. ive been in a coma for a long time, multiple times in my life and I'm assuming, death is a far fetched version of that.
i have a time constraint, today is the last possible day I could do it, until almost next year. i cannot continue life like this, even practically, because I'm essentially wasting over precious years. I dont have anyone at all, with whom I can talk to. im tired of living in indecision. at this point, i feel im going to have to force myself to kill myself, but I'm not going to lie about being scared.
