I don't know (Vent)

[DedCircut303]

Why can't I be fine? I hate depression and I hate that no matter how much medicine I try, it seems like it'll never fix anything. If it seems like it's going well, it won't be long before it becomes bad again. I hate that my mind never truly lets me feel and experience what is happening around me. Everything always just ends up feeling like a dream. I'll never amount to anything. I love my family, but the past year, not even that is enough. I'm a horrible daughter. They've helped me so much and I'm still like this. I feel bad lying and saying that I'm feeling better. I hate myself, despise myself. I think I finally, after years of trying to understand what fueled everything, I finally think I know what it is. Of course it's a childhood memory, but I despise myself because of it. I can't forgive myself, how could I? It fuels my reason to want to kill myself. I'm so sorry. I have my sources now, for everything except Benzos, it's just up to me and time I guess. I should leave, I want to leave. It hurts to know that but it's true. I'm thinking too much right now, my brain needs to shut up. Maybe I should use this to vent more often? But I just feel like shit.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I understand your pain i am suffering in a similar way

 

[luvpup]

my mom calls me selfish, because i do not open up sometimes, and because she says she is trying to help me so much but she doesn't know whats going on with me. she has cried in front of me because of this, and recently i feel nothing much but sorry for her, i wish things were different, and that i wasnt a difficult child. i have wanted to die since i was little and i wish i didnt have to be born and cause her so much pain, but this might be me avoiding responsibility for my behavior and feelings. it's just so hard... once im gone ill be free.
i love my family too... mostly... but i realized this, love is not enough. it is never enough. if it was there wouldnt be abusive relationships, divorce, there wouldnt be breakups over arguments about orange peels lol. love is not enough in this place. on this earth.
i hope it is enough in the death some people talk about. i wonder if anyone here has had any near death experiences or if those are fake too. either way i just want it to end. i'm sorry you are hurting in this way. <3