Venting I don't know myself anymore.

[scenario_2018]

When watching a video, I felt jealous of those talking about their friendships and I envy those with friends. Right now I feel clueless, I feel useless, I feel things I don't know how to explain and it's so overwhelming for me that I feel like I shouldn't belong here and that I can't live here anymore. The unwanted pain never leaves and I think it will leave after I end my life. I'm hoping that this route would take me into a happier thought as this pain wouldn't be here anymore. I don't care what other people think or if it upsets them, I don't belong here nor does anyone care. If I don't reply then I think I've got the job done.

 

[Holu]

Within this world there is a great imbalance of suffering. Whether it be day to day people who differ from you or the ultra rich who have minimized suffering due to profiting off the suffering of others, there are definitely times where it's hard to feel anything but disgust for this world.

Just letting you know, that to some level I get that envy. Often I find myself glaring at others in happiness, whether it be videos or the real world. Typically for me, this culminates into anger, and I feel nothing but pure desire to hurt these people. If I have to suffer, I want everyone to.

There are a lot of things I envy in others. Relationships, families, wealth, success. But on an introspective note I envy their optimism more than anything else. For better or worse, seeing the horrors of this world, constantly being in battle with myself, and the unhealthy amount of time I spend in my head have ultimately bred a deep nihilistic and pessimistic outlook on this world. It's hard to feel truly optimistic about things, which ultimately just forms an ouroboros and perpetuates and strengthens this level of thinking.

In the end I'm not you. I don't know what you're going through or how you feel. My intent of providing my own experience is not to trauma compare but simply to explain my perspective of why I harbor these feelings towards others.

I'm very sorry for all that you have suffered and what you continue to suffer through. Life is cruel and grueling, and the people present enforce their own life to be better than it is. It only further exaggerated the hopelessness when compared.

Also, I'm not really good at determining if it's a vent or an actual push towards ctb. In the case this is a farewell thread and you are soon going to be at peace then I wish you nothing but the best. If you have a method chosen then I hope it's painless, but if you're unsure or do not please browse these posts and ask. Plenty of people willing to assist you and offer advice.

Should this just be a vent and maybe recovery is an option then please feel free to send me a DM if ever needed. Additionally you always have us. Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

Whatever it is I wish you the best in your endeavors. Take care soldier.

 

[NambaSutra]

When watching a video, I felt jealous of those talking about their friendships and I envy those with friends.

I know what you mean. I'm old but the last time I had "friends" the internet barely existed. I put "friends" in quotes because I wasn't close to any of them and they all forgot about me when I moved away. But I seem to have some massive personality disorder where I'm really self centered and can't empathize or connect with other people in any meaningful way and I even push people away if they get a little bit close.

So no friends, extreme loneliness, and pushing away the very small number of people who would talk to me is all very familiar.

FML

 

[Azora]

If not having friends is your only sadness, then maybe therapy can be a valid solution. Emotional problems like this can have surprisingly rapid solutions just by talking to someone and learning how to realign your life. Ending it all is a very permanent outcome for what may be a very temporary and solvable problem.