I don't know if I can stop myself

[notgettingyounger]

I keep going back and forth between being committed to ctb as soon as possible and having moments of clarity where I'm so scared that I'll actually do it. I was planning to do it tonight but now that the time is here I don't think I want to do it anymore and I think I should wait a while until I'm 100% certain, but I have such a strong violent urge now to just do it and I'm scared I won't be able to resist when I have the opportunity. Part of me thinks I need to check myself into a psych ward or else I might really do it without thinking it through, but I'm on government health insurance (medicaid in the USA if it matters) and I don't think they'd cover my stay and even if they did I'd get sent somewhere really shitty and I don't think they'd help me and I'd probably just get more suicidal. I'm scared of therapists anyway (bad experiences) and don't think it would help long term, but I don't know what else to do. I'm scared to live and I'm scared to die and I don't think anyone can help me at this point.

 

[chillino]

Hey @notgettingyounger,
I understand that you are scared and overwhelmed. What about a little walk before you decide on anything?

 

[tonicer]

Can you formulate why you want to die in the first place and why you don't? Writing the pros and cons down might help you find out if you really want to do either.

 

[aRose]

Medicaid will cover about a weeks stay, ime. If you get a bill you can apply for charity care at most places. You can pick which ER you go to. So don't worry about that if that's your concern.