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Reuthry

Reuthry

I just want a way out.
Dec 16, 2023
201
Counting down till the day I have chosen and I am not sure if I can take it until that time. I have planned everything that I can. I sort of conditioned myself to that day. I have everything ready. But I am suffering much right now, both physically and mentally. I shouted someone for no reason today, I just don't know, I didn't want to. Literally for no reason. Then I cried, I couldn't control myself at all. I feel like I am losing control in general. I would like to ctb tomorrow if possible but since I strictly told myself that I should die on a certain day (to make sure I won't postpone my ctb), I feel like I an betraying myself? I don't know what to do, I am not sure if dying sooner may affect the lethality some way, because of SI, for example.

What should I do? I really want to go but as I stated above, I feel like betraying myself and others (there is no reason to feel so but I don't know). I don't know anymore.
 
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Toobrokentofix

Toobrokentofix

Experienced
Jul 7, 2020
244
I didn't stick to my plan because I felt unable to wait another week. But being upset... emotional and impulsive lead to me freaking out and calling the emergency services. Now is when I should have done it but now my resources have been taken away and I have to wait for another special delivery before I can try again. It was also really traumatic because of being impulsive. I royally screwed it up and now fear trying it again properly. Might have to change my method. Hope not!!!
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
42,060
It's up to the individual when to cease existing, it's their personal decision, nobody should be forced to continue suffering. But anyway I wish you the best, to me it's understandable just wishing to be free.
 
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Reactions: MeaningDork, Toobrokentofix and Reuthry
Slow_Farewell

Slow_Farewell

Warlock
Dec 19, 2023
709
Stick to your plan/timeline. You've spent time/money/effort into it.
 
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Reuthry

Reuthry

I just want a way out.
Dec 16, 2023
201
Stick to your plan/timeline. You've spent time/money/effort into it.
I guess I will do an attempt. Since my method of going is NN, I will let myself die if I can achieve the desired effect. If I can't, I won't force it, I will just walk away as if nothing happened. I plan to not let anything something in between happen.
 
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