Help I don't know if I can/should wait till the day I have chosen to ctb, I want to die asap, there is a plan I have made but 45 days is long...

[Reuthry]

Counting down till the day I have chosen and I am not sure if I can take it until that time. I have planned everything that I can. I sort of conditioned myself to that day. I have everything ready. But I am suffering much right now, both physically and mentally. I shouted someone for no reason today, I just don't know, I didn't want to. Literally for no reason. Then I cried, I couldn't control myself at all. I feel like I am losing control in general. I would like to ctb tomorrow if possible but since I strictly told myself that I should die on a certain day (to make sure I won't postpone my ctb), I feel like I an betraying myself? I don't know what to do, I am not sure if dying sooner may affect the lethality some way, because of SI, for example.

What should I do? I really want to go but as I stated above, I feel like betraying myself and others (there is no reason to feel so but I don't know). I don't know anymore.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

I didn't stick to my plan because I felt unable to wait another week. But being upset... emotional and impulsive lead to me freaking out and calling the emergency services. Now is when I should have done it but now my resources have been taken away and I have to wait for another special delivery before I can try again. It was also really traumatic because of being impulsive. I royally screwed it up and now fear trying it again properly. Might have to change my method. Hope not!!!

 

[FuneralCry]

It's up to the individual when to cease existing, it's their personal decision, nobody should be forced to continue suffering. But anyway I wish you the best, to me it's understandable just wishing to be free.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Stick to your plan/timeline. You've spent time/money/effort into it.

 

[Reuthry]

Stick to your plan/timeline. You've spent time/money/effort into it.

I guess I will do an attempt. Since my method of going is NN, I will let myself die if I can achieve the desired effect. If I can't, I won't force it, I will just walk away as if nothing happened. I plan to not let anything something in between happen.