I've tried for 3 days. I'm tired, I want to go. But I just don't know if I have it in me to try again today.
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It's okay, don't rush it or push yourself. Take the time that you need. We all experience this.
I really need to go, though. Like 3 days ago I needed to. I didn't think partial would be so hard. I'm honestly contemplating full suspension but I don't know if my rope would hold. Why can't I just stop... Stopping myself?
I understand. I really needed to go 6 days ago but since my ex deleted most of his social platforms, I've had to figure out where to send him my good bye videos and I've been so depressed and limited concentration wise that this week has been a nightmare. I feel that I'm overdue. If it wasn't for this technical and practical difficulty that I'm now having to figure out, I'd be gone on the 1st. I'm taking small steps every day towards finally being able to CTB.
Partial hanging is hard and takes a while to get it right, failure rate is somewhat high. Full suspensions could be solid, but I read your other thread and I think you might want to get a stronger rope for that. Overall, stopping yourself is the biggest obstacle when trying to CTB. SI is hard to fight for most of us.
My plan was to be gone by the 1st. SI is freaking horrible. I really need to make this work. I was honestly ready to stab myself in the neck. I was in the tub, had 2 knives, but then I thought... What if I miss my carotid? I mean, rope marks I cover with make up....a big hole in my neck on the other hand...
I wish I had confidence that SN would work for me. But due to missing a large portion of my small intestine that causes absorption issues I'm not sure it would. Just drinking something sounds so good rn.
I understand your desperation and frustration. Yeah, I think the only thing that removed SI for me is being depressed enough or alcohol. But can't drink for SN which is the method I've chosen, I'm too anxious about failure and irreverisble damage so I don't want to try any other methods. I'm sorry that SN might not be possible for you. Whatever you end up doing, don't try the stabbing, don't want you to experience that kind of pain.
I definitely re-thought the stabbing. I just get so desperate. Especially since I can't get tourniquet or partial to work.
I wish I could get tourniquet to work. I could absolutely hang in there if I could just lay back in bed and pass out. Trying to pass out while upright freaks me out.
I thought about trying one of the laying down partial positions, but I have concerns that convulsions would lessen the pressure being so low to the ground.
I think I need to get the nerve to do the "sit in the air" position. I think this would be hard to stand up out of if the legs are straight out vs feet touching the floor. But it crushed my trachea when I eased into it. So I would have to get the courage to just drop, knowing it's going to hurt and likely to feel like a full hanging but without the certainty.
I wish this all could be easier for us, it's terrible that we have to go through all of this just to exit this world.
It really is terrible. I've tried everything I can think of at this point. I really hoped SWB would work, but apparently hyperventilation only causes me muscle cramps. If it had worked, though, I would have been gone days ago. So now all I have is hanging, and it's so hard.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,302
It really sounds like you have suffered so much, it's just so awful feeling so incredibly trapped here when all that you wish for is to be gone. Suicide really shouldn't be this difficult and it's wrong how it is. I envy all those who have managed to succeed with hanging, but anyway best of luck.
