Venting I don’t know how to title this but I’m going through a lot, a vent

[ijustcantwait2die]

So, first post. Cool.

My father angrily brought up a good point today. He said I'm lazy. Don't care about him. Don't care about anything, really. My dad gets mad a lot, so I'm always stepping on eggshells with him. But today just sort of.. made me realize how awful I am. Because if I did die, there wouldn't be anything lost.

For starters, I'm unemployed, don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. No clue at all. I have autism, which is very unfortunate, because I'm always doing something wrong, and that's what usually makes my dad mad. He never understands what's going through my mind, he's even called me stupid a few times. My social skills? They don't exist. I constantly forget (or procrastinate?) checking up on anyone. Mom, dad, grandma, the 2 friends I have. The friends I have online are pieces of shit. They continue bringing me down, calling me stupid like my father would, but I know they are right in the end.

But, at least I've lived a full life. I've been to concerts, graduated high school.. I see that as the peak. Nothings going to get better. It's unfortunate my parents ended up getting the worst, laziest child in the world.

That whole fight two hours ago is what really brought me here. It's his words that made me realize 'Oh shit. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I should die."

Sorry if this post was just a bunch of words. I've never really expressed my emotions out loud anywhere. Not to a therapist, not to my parents. That's probably one good thing about me; I can always hide my emotions, because if I cry when my dad yells, he'll just get angrier. My sister hasn't learned that part yet. Again, sorry if this a whole bunch of nothing. I just really needed to get it off my chest this time.

 

[.idiot]

Have you tried spamming job applications online? Not necessarily to get a job, but to get your father off your back- showing them that you're actively looking for work could make him lay off with all the pressure. I do recommend being serious in a job search however.

Stop interacting with your "friends", full stop. They're not you're friends if they are bringing you down when you are already in the metaphorical gutter.

And you are partially correct about nothing getting better. Nothing will get better for you if you are not actively trying to make things better for yourself. I am not going to lie to you and say that a little effort is just gonna magically turn your life around for the better- many people try hard for years, with no result. This may make it seem pointless to even try, but there is a very important factor to consider: doing nothing has a 0% of making your life better, doing SOMETHING has a very small chance of making things better. That is a very big difference, to go from 0% to 1%, even if it does not seem like it.