Venting I don't know how to help myself

[Chili]

This is just a vent, ig

I'm trying to recover. Trying.

But I can't, and I'm watching myself get worse and worse. I have suicidal thoughts. I have them every day. I can't get rid of them. I tell myself I want to kill my self over and over and over every day

And at this point I know it's not normal. I feel like this is beyond suicidal ideation my thoughts are almost compulsive. I have tried so many things to make them go away but truly they are a direct response to stress. Stress that I can not get rid of.

I still want to die. I hate it here. I'm not happy. I wish I could live and survive in a bubble with no income. I've gained so much weight. I want to lose the weight so I am pretty, and maybe I could attract a man willing to pay for a housewife so I don't have to deal with society again. Sometimes I think about just abandoning everything and living in my car with my cats. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to squat in abandoned houses and fix them up or live as far away from society as possible. I don't want to be perceived by people because everything that comes out of my mouth is a huge fucking mess.


But I try and have been trying to get better but nothing works. I'm scared to shower because any silence is filled with me having thoughts about suicide. I got a therapist. They're $130 an hour , sweet deal compared to $250. But what are they going to do for me I don't think I can be cured. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I have tried so many things to make them go away but truly they are a direct response to stress. Stress that I can not get rid of.

I think you answered your question here.

What causes the stress? Why can't you get rid of those things/circumstances that cause the stress?

Imo the therapist can't do much unless you change your circumstances that cause the stress or the therapist finds a way to eliminate them. Coping mechanisms won't solve the issue.

 

[Chili]

I think you answered your question here.

What causes the stress? Why can't you get rid of those things/circumstances that cause the stress?

Imo the therapist can't do much unless you change your circumstances that cause the stress or the therapist finds a way to eliminate them. Coping mechanisms won't solve the issue.

I'm contractually obligated to remain with my stress for 6 more months. If I quit my job, I have to pay back all of the money they used for my college, which is 20k. I do not have 20k so I can't quit the job. Quitting the job would ruin my life worse because it's not a payment plan. It's written to be up front. Also, my degree is shit so no real jobs for it outside of the very specific job I have now. Which makes me want to cry.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry, this is so awful. It's a trap with no escape.

Have you considered sick leave as an option (at least for some time) together with your therapist/GP?