Discussion I don't know how to handle relationships

[Insomniac Butterfly]

I'm committed to ending things in March. That's the choice I've made. My mom and I have never really known each other, but have been around each other sporadically over our lives. She's not been a mom to me, just more like a cousin you see, and casually be around. We've had really bad times when I was way younger that did traumatize me.
She wants so badly to be in my life, and hangout with me.
Im a neet. Im a hikikomori. I am devoid of life. I have no hobbies. I am going to die, and now I have a plan and date.
That's why I've always stayed away from people. I have nothing to share, or anything good to give, but the pain I see in my Mother's eyes when I'm so disconnected from her, don't feel like hanging out, and don't even know if i have love for her or anyone. It's terrible. I see how much she wishes she could be a good mom, and she genuinely wants to try. Maybe she's genuinely better now. Maybe if i didn't want to give up, I really could have a good relationship with her now that she's trying to not be insane.
But i'm going to die, and in less than 3 months. At this point she can't be enough for me. She can't save me.

I guess i say all this to add a little context to this question, is it more moral to spend time with my mom, and hopefully make good memories together, or at this point, should I keep her out so my death doesn't hurt even more than it will already?
I normally stay away, but she actively seems to think about me, and hurt over not having a relationship with me. That makes me want to make that less for her, even if i can't give it for long. If getting close with her is cruel, and would hurt her more, I don't want that.
I can't tell her im dying, I'll be thrown in the hospital again.
I can't talk to her about this, only make my own decision, and both choices seem shitty.
Dying sucks. Living sucks. I'm tired of thinking and breathing. Everything just sucks.

 

[Last_sunset]

If you are 110% sure you will be dead by march then maybe carefully distance yourself from your mother once it is closer to the date you have chosen. but if not then try spend time with her. It also depends on what she would think if you distanced more. It is hard to say.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

If you are 110% sure you will be dead by march then maybe carefully distance yourself from your mother once it is closer to the date you have chosen. but if not then try spend time with her. It also depends on what she would think if you distanced more. It is hard to say.

Very hard to say indeed..
We've never been close, she just really wants to be.
I ended up agreeing to hangout with her this Friday, but I'm being as upfront as I can with my situation. I don't want get to get her hopes up, or be disappointed. I told her this, and she said all she wants is the opportunity to be disappointed with me.
I'll see where Friday takes me. If she acts insane still, I can just keep my distance.
I wish I could ctb now, but money is tight, and I still have to get some things to make it possible, or at least exit how I'd like to.
Anyways, besides that rambling. Thank you for reading and responding.
Bless you.

 

[Alpacachino]

Don't feel too guilty about this. I have a very good mother as well, but I never chose this life. I can only choose my way out. It's your life and your decision. No one else has a say. There's no need to put it that bluntly to her if you don't want to hurt her. but you can leave her a nice note.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

Don't feel too guilty about this. I have a very good mother as well, but I never chose this life. I can only choose my way out. It's your life and your decision. No one else has a say. There's no need to put it that bluntly to her if you don't want to hurt her. but you can leave her a nice note.

Hearing someone else suggest writing a note rather than trying to explain myself any further gives me a little more confidence it's the least worst way to go about this. I'm having troubles thinking on what I want to say exactly, but I still have time to get it right.
It's easy to forget that my feelings of wanting to die are valid in the sense that I don't have to live my life anyway in particular, or even at all for other people if it isn't what I want to do. The world has its way of trying to brainwash us otherwise.
I appreciate you sharing your take on this. You and so many others on SaSu have been so kind.
Maybe cheesy, but I do hope you one day find peace of your own, in whatever form that it takes.