Every day feels like I have to struggle through it. Try my best to get to the end. It's hard every day, though some days are harder than others.
When I think about her too much it's often the worst. Then it the pain gets so bad that it feels like I have to die right then and there just so I can get rid of the pain.
Although, ironically, thinking about my time spent with her is sometimes also the only thing that makes me feel something positive. Though it's followed by the pain of missing her so much I feel like I'm going to collapse into a crying puddle.
I just can't do it, man. It just hurts so much and I don't see it ever fully ending. I don't see the pain ever fully going away. Maybe it could still get less bad, but I just don't see it going away. And I can't live like this. I just can't. I can barely function at all, even at the best of times.
I'm stuck because I can"t seem to get up the courage to actually go through with killing myself right now. But simultaneously I understand that that's the only solution I have.
There's stuff I find it difficult to say goodbye to though. Things about life. Especially my memories. Dying kills everything you are, including even those. And I spent all my life gathering them. And I cherish those few that are good. And I'm scared of letting them go. I don't want to let them go. I just want it to be like that again.
I want her to lay in my arms on that grass field again, with the sun setting beside us over the lake. I want to go back to that more than anything. And if I can't then I want to die.
I'm just so stuck. I find it too hard to say goodbye to some things, but at the same time the pain is too much to live through, let alone recover.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
The funny thing is that I'd be okay with either option. If I could finally find the courage and the peace of mind to kill myself, I'd be okay with that. Or if I could finally find a way for the pain to end and to recover, whatever way that was, I'd be okay with that. But it's this being in between that I hate. I can't stop the pain, but I can't seem to kill myself. I can't recover, but I also can't finish it.
And above it all there are a few words that run through my head constantly: I miss you so much. I love yo so much. I just wan't you in my arms again and for the rest of the world to disappear.
When I think about her too much it's often the worst. Then it the pain gets so bad that it feels like I have to die right then and there just so I can get rid of the pain.
Although, ironically, thinking about my time spent with her is sometimes also the only thing that makes me feel something positive. Though it's followed by the pain of missing her so much I feel like I'm going to collapse into a crying puddle.
I just can't do it, man. It just hurts so much and I don't see it ever fully ending. I don't see the pain ever fully going away. Maybe it could still get less bad, but I just don't see it going away. And I can't live like this. I just can't. I can barely function at all, even at the best of times.
I'm stuck because I can"t seem to get up the courage to actually go through with killing myself right now. But simultaneously I understand that that's the only solution I have.
There's stuff I find it difficult to say goodbye to though. Things about life. Especially my memories. Dying kills everything you are, including even those. And I spent all my life gathering them. And I cherish those few that are good. And I'm scared of letting them go. I don't want to let them go. I just want it to be like that again.
I want her to lay in my arms on that grass field again, with the sun setting beside us over the lake. I want to go back to that more than anything. And if I can't then I want to die.
I'm just so stuck. I find it too hard to say goodbye to some things, but at the same time the pain is too much to live through, let alone recover.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
The funny thing is that I'd be okay with either option. If I could finally find the courage and the peace of mind to kill myself, I'd be okay with that. Or if I could finally find a way for the pain to end and to recover, whatever way that was, I'd be okay with that. But it's this being in between that I hate. I can't stop the pain, but I can't seem to kill myself. I can't recover, but I also can't finish it.
And above it all there are a few words that run through my head constantly: I miss you so much. I love yo so much. I just wan't you in my arms again and for the rest of the world to disappear.
