I don't know anymore

[Foresight]

I've spent all day today in bed imprisoned by my chronic illnesses. I spent all week in and out of panic attacks because of my ptsd.

I don't think I'm ever going find the solution to my problems physically or mentally. I've tried and that almost makes it scarier than when I had just given up. Trying for so long and being stuck. I feel like a prisoner.

I have my sn and my cups out. It feels less scary than the last time I had taken a look at it. I have a nice meal on the way that would be a good final meal. I'm seriously considering tomorrow. I have no one to talk to about it.

Am I the only one afraid of what could have been? I'm so tired though.

I wish sn didn't make us feel so sick because being sick physically is a top reason I want to die. Sick all through life, violently ill on the way out. I hate this fucking existence. I'm scared of everything. I'm completely useless.

 

[Dead Meat]

I'm so sorry @Foresight I know what it feels like to be physically sick everyday and I wish you all the best, Lot's of Love and Hugs to you

 

[Jrmull1993]

@Foresight I'm terrible sorry to hear that your ill, I had no idea you were this bad physically.

I hope this doesn't come across as being "dense" but I'm glad you have your SN out. I feel that facing your exit method head on is a good way to throughly analyze where you are with life, and make a good decision on whether it's time to exit, or whether you should wait.

I wish for you to have a solemn time thinking about what's next, and whatever path you go down, I wish you the best of luck.

After reading what your going through, your profile picture of Job makes sense.

We may be strangers, but I (as well as others) are here if you need to talk, or just to vent.

All the best.

 

[Dissappointed]

Passei o dia todo hoje na cama aprisionado por minhas doenças crônicas. Passei a semana inteira entrando e saindo de ataques de pânico por causa do meu TEPT.

Acho que nunca vou encontrar a solução para meus problemas físicos ou mentais. Eu tentei e isso quase o torna mais assustador do que quando eu tinha acabado de desistir. Tentando por tanto tempo e ficando preso. Eu me sinto um prisioneiro.

Eu tenho meu sn e meus copos para fora. Parece menos assustador do que da última vez que dei uma olhada nele. Tenho uma boa refeição a caminho que seria uma boa refeição final. Estou pensando seriamente em amanhã. Não tenho com quem conversar sobre isso.

Eu sou o único com medo do que poderia ter sido? Estou tão cansado embora.

Eu gostaria que sn não nos fizesse sentir tão doente porque estar doente fisicamente é a principal razão pela qual eu quero morrer. Doente por toda a vida, violentamente doente na saída. Eu odeio essa maldita existência. Estou com medo de tudo. Eu sou completamente inútil.

I am sorry that you have come to this situation, I hope that you can find your peace. I am also thinking of going in a few days, if you need someone to talk to you can answer me.

 

[FuneralCry]

People have already suffered enough in life so they shouldn't have to suffer as they leave this world. To me, suicide should always be peaceful, we deserve a peaceful exit. This life really is so cruel and I'm sorry that you are in this situation, I cannot even imagine how hard it must be. I hope that you find relief from what you are going through. Best wishes.

 

[notocarpediem]

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering.

 

[Foresight]

@Foresight I'm terrible sorry to hear that your ill, I had no idea you were this bad physically.

I hope this doesn't come across as being "dense" but I'm glad you have your SN out. I feel that facing your exit method head on is a good way to throughly analyze where you are with life, and make a good decision on whether it's time to exit, or whether you should wait.

I wish for you to have a solemn time thinking about what's next, and whatever path you go down, I wish you the best of luck.

After reading what your going through, your profile picture of Job makes sense.

We may be strangers, but I (as well as others) are here if you need to talk, or just to vent.

All the best.

Thank you for these comforting words.

I agree about having it out because the thoughts need to come out of my mind and become something tangible in the physical world. I'm ultimately trapped in this dreadful material body and this suicide will be an intense physical experience.

Having it out definitely helps me realize I'm closer to death now than I was when I bought it a few months ago. Back then I was terrified of the package. Now I find it comforting.

If the sn was a smoother transition I would leave tomorrow. I feel such a calm in my chest knowing I can let go. I don't have any fight left in me. I just fear the racing heart and the vomiting. I don't want to suffer anymore. I have a good job. I need to focus on n and supplies. There is no peace for me here. I'm not going to make myself feel bad about that anymore.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@Foresight

You have the SN available, so I hope it makes your quest for N somewhat more comforting.

 

[rationaltake]

I totally understand. Luckily not too often but I've had sickness at times that felt like the end of the world. I'm wary of my SN because I don't want the sickness. But I want to go. I don't know why escape has to be so hard.

 

[wljourney]

I'm so very sorry foresight.
PTSD alone is such a vile and sneaky illness. Adding to that physical illness is just adding insult to injury. As if we needed even more to carry.

My own experience with bringing out your methods/equipment/bottles is a step towards overcoming SI.

Twice I made a serious attempt and both times it took a while to get over the hurdle of SI by just looking at the bottles.
Lining them up in the kitchen.
Walking away.
Returning.
Looking at them again.

It's a process and when you know you're ready, nothing will stop you.
But until then take this time and allow yourself to work through it. I think it's necessary to be at peace with our decision.

And I think it's great that you are sharing your thoughts with us. It's another way of working through this. Assessing your own feelings. Finding a way that feels right for you.
Sending hugs.

 

[western_heart]

this is so relatable. I am also afraid of SN. I kept it on the floor next to my desk for a while so I'd see it every day. It made it easier for me to start to attempt.

 

[befree]

I´m so sorry to read how much you are suffering.
"I'm completely useless." No, you are not. You have done a great job at SS. If you really decide to leave us tomorrow, I wish you not to suffer.
Thank you again for everything. Best wishes