Venting i don't know anymore // venting thread

[colorlesshue]

tw//mentions of csa and just general trauma. sorry for getting too personal. i don't care how people react to this post.
it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair how they both get to live out their lives happy with tons of friends and people who love them while I rot in my filth. it's not fair that i feel so disgusting and filthy and used while they date and find people they both muterally love. even him, with his loads of friends and a social life when he doesnt fucking deserve it. neither of them deserve it and it's not fair while i wither and sob and cry and I can't have someone touch me without feeling scared. i can't have someone much older than me be around me without me assuming that their going to do something terrible and its all your fucking fault. I was 3 and i was 5 and i was 8 and i was a child and its not fair, get out of my head and stop forcing me to remember everything on repeat. my memories won't let me let go and i can't escape this even more than a decade later all i do is remember and cry and no matter how much i sleep i will never stop being tired. i will always be that child that that you killed and no matter how much times i grow i'll never be the same again. you ruined me and filled me with filth and i hope you die. i hope we both die and i hope i get to see you burried before my own demise. i might grow up and get older but i'll never be better and it's your fault. you infected me with your sin and anger and i will never be able to wash your hands off of my body no matter how long i shower for i can still smell you on my skin like disease. you are a disease and you have rotted away at every part of my body and no one can love me now. no one can love what you ruined, no one can love something so disgusting and revolting and i wish i could rip it all out. i wish i could tear out every little thing that you touched and be clean again, i wish i could be clean and perfect and pure and untainted but i'll never be okay again and it's your fault. you made me digusting and unlovable and i hope you die and i dont know why im crying . it happened years so why am i crying and remembering it so vividly? why would you do that to me? i was so little and I did nothing wrong, have you felt any guilt at all? i shake when i remember and my body goes cold, im afraid of you and im still afraid and i will never not be afraid. I was so young and i can barely remember when it started but now I can't feel a thing at all. i feel like i'm already dying, like i'm just a walking corpse rotting in front of people who would never love something so disgusting if they knew.

i wonder what they'd say if they knew.

 

[The anhedonic one]

tw//mentions of csa and just general trauma. sorry for getting too personal. i don't care how people react to this post.
it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair how they both get to live out their lives happy with tons of friends and people who love them while I rot in my filth. it's not fair that i feel so disgusting and filthy and used while they date and find people they both muterally love. even him, with his loads of friends and a social life when he doesnt fucking deserve it. neither of them deserve it and it's not fair while i wither and sob and cry and I can't have someone touch me without feeling scared. i can't have someone much older than me be around me without me assuming that their going to do something terrible and its all your fucking fault. I was 3 and i was 5 and i was 8 and i was a child and its not fair, get out of my head and stop forcing me to remember everything on repeat. my memories won't let me let go and i can't escape this even more than a decade later all i do is remember and cry and no matter how much i sleep i will never stop being tired. i will always be that child that that you killed and no matter how much times i grow i'll never be the same again. you ruined me and filled me with filth and i hope you die. i hope we both die and i hope i get to see you burried before my own demise. i might grow up and get older but i'll never be better and it's your fault. you infected me with your sin and anger and i will never be able to wash your hands off of my body no matter how long i shower for i can still smell you on my skin like disease. you are a disease and you have rotted away at every part of my body and no one can love me now. no one can love what you ruined, no one can love something so disgusting and revolting and i wish i could rip it all out. i wish i could tear out every little thing that you touched and be clean again, i wish i could be clean and perfect and pure and untainted but i'll never be okay again and it's your fault. you made me digusting and unlovable and i hope you die and i dont know why im crying . it happened years so why am i crying and remembering it so vividly? why would you do that to me? i was so little and I did nothing wrong, have you felt any guilt at all? i shake when i remember and my body goes cold, im afraid of you and im still afraid and i will never not be afraid. I was so young and i can barely remember when it started but now I can't feel a thing at all. i feel like i'm already dying, like i'm just a walking corpse rotting in front of people who would never love something so disgusting if they knew.

i wonder what they'd say if they knew.

I was sexually abused too from the age of 4 to 7. I completely understand that feeling of being infected. I also understand the relentless, automatic negative thoughts that play on a constant loop in your head. It is exhausting and soul destroying.
Please don't think of yourself as disgusting and unlovable. It's simply not true because it's just trauma playing tricks on your mind.
Have you ever told anyone what happened to you, like a Doctor and tried therapy and meds ?
These things don't work for everyone, but maybe they will for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[colorlesshue]

I was sexually abused too from the age of 4 to 7. I completely understand that feeling of being infected. I also understand the relentless, automatic negative thoughts that play on a constant loop in your head. It is exhausting and soul destroying.
Please don't think of yourself as disgusting and unlovable. It's simply not true because it's just trauma playing tricks on your mind.
Have you ever told anyone what happened to you, and tried therapy and meds ?
These things don't work for everyone, but maybe they will for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

i can't come out with it because their my family members and i'd feel guilty if i ruined their lives while their still alive. i'm on antideppressents but it's not enough anymore, I really don't know what else to do because i currently live with one of my abusers due to circumstances and i'm just,,,yeah. i know my partner loves me but im also like kind of delulu and i just dont know a lot you know?? because their great and I wouldn't be suprised if they really didn't love me. they deserve a lot better than whatever I am and I just
i'm really sorry im just feeling a lot right now and im kinda bad at talking dgjsshjhsjhasjs

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

If comfortable, have a virtual hug from me. If not comfortable, imagine I am a butterfly landing on your head.
Next, I want you to know, real quick, that you deserve 10 times better than you got and I sympathise with you. Just know that I'm so proud of you for surviving all that and coming out the other side, for better or for worse? Doesn't matter, it's still incredibly traumatising and you shouldn't have been through that. If possible, do yourself something nice or something that gives you peace. Tea, or gifting yourself something cute, or whatever the hell makes you feel slightly better for a few minutes because you deserve that. If you need help or ideas coping with things or staying present and making yourself feel a bit better for a day, just say the word. I'm no medical professional, but I can assure you as much as you need.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I was never sexually assaulted but my memories haunt me for my past, I keep hearing and seeing the stuff I said and be said to me, I want it to stop

 

[Rack.-]

You make it look like if the pure soul you once were had been tarnished and it couldn't shine anymore, but you are so much more. You deserve love and affection, someone that could tell you that everything is fine and will continue to be so. And I can't really appear there and tightly embrace you in a warm hug. But if it makes you feel better I can send you love and let you know that I care about you, wherever you are

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, existence is just too cruel and it's truly so hellish how humans create so much harm. But anyway I wish you the best.