Venting I don’t have anyone to talk to about this

[Igotaplane]

Recently I have been finalizing my plan but I'm having second thoughts. I am in a lot of debt, and I can't afford anything. What is the point of any of this when I can't live a fulfilling life.

I have a large group of friends and a loving family, I'm the opposite of alone and that's what's causing my second guesses. I want to be here for the rest of the people in my life and try to get through this rough patch but no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I am miserable. The only time I can find sustained happiness is when I'm in a manic episode but it's not even real joy when I come to realize I've been manic the entire time. I want to live a fulfilling life but I think after spending years in and out of the psychward I think the idea of living a life I will enjoy is just a fantasy. I don't want to hurt my friends, my little brother is 10 years old and I don't want to put him through that, but it's also not fair to continue to make myself suffer. I did not have a choice to be born so at the very least, I should have the choice to leave if I didn't get to choose to be born in the first place.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

You definitely sound like a kind and caring soul. And it also seems like you are surrounded by people who truly love you. This is something that a lot of people, unfortunately, don't have. Not trying to dimish or dismiss your pain, that also is very real and terrible, but you definitely have a support system in place. I suggest that you try and lean on them for the support you need for a while to see if you can maybe work your way through this. It might help, it might not, but ultimately it's definitely worth a try because dying with regret or uncertainty is a terrible way to go. Our minds can and usually are our own worst enemy and at times like these we need to take a step back away from it and look at ourselves "from the outside", so to speak. Because at the end of the day, we must be certain that such profound decisions be made with all things taken into account. So please, take the time to carefully and calmly discuss your feelings and situation with them. Perhaps if you all put your ideas together a solution can be brought forth. If not, well, you can decide what to do from there. Ultimately, we are somewhat in control of our own destinies. At least when it involves our decision to go on or give up. I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey and I hope you come to a decision that puts your mind at ease.

 

[Igotaplane]

This is very true and thank you for saying this. I know I have lots of people who care about me I just get a little bit nervous that i would be pinning my friends in this situation even though I know they would just want to be here for me. I'm thinking about going into a psych ward again genuinely because I don't know if my family would ever recover from me dying, or my friends. I want to lean on my supports around me. I think something is broken in me, like my brain is wired wrong you know?