Venting I don't even want to die...I think.

[praythestars]

I've always had a huge fear of death. So much so that it genuinely interferes with my life. And yet...

I routinely have these impulses. Not constantly. But like these...events that happen every six or so years. I vaguely try to die for awhile, eventually I realize it's likely enough to happen and I try to reach out or whatever, and I accept the fate of going IP.

I was in IP just a couple months ago I. jan.

Things are a lot better now, not at all because of IP but because of sheer dumb luck and perseverance, as always. And yet...

See a pattern yet?

It's like I've known for 25 years this is how I die. And for 25 years I try to make it not be so. Not because I'm scared of suicide, but because I just...I find solace in enjoying just watching things play out. I enjoy watching them play out simply because I know suicide is the end game, so like, why fucking care?

This shit is just...not even amusing necessarily, though it is a bit, but more just like...interesting to see happen, once you are disconnected from it. I'm still human, I still have empathy, I recognize these things are scary, not fun, whatever to people still connected. I feel for those people. I can say yes this is right or no this is wrong.

But ME? I don't really fucking care. It's beyond me, not in an egotistical way, it's just...it is what it is. Death takes it from me, and will take it from me sooner than later.

It's weird trying to square that feeling with my day to day. Like today, I was at Walmart. I overheard a woman saying something like "I'm just nervous because they haven't given you your labs back... I'm trying to hurry, I'm going as fast as I can..."

She had tons of shit in her cart, bagged up on the ground at the self checkout etc, but her hands were shaking.

This is what I mean by still caring. So I'm just like "hey, do you want some help bagging? You seem like you're in a rush."

And she was so happy, y'all. Like she felt bad to accept that first but I think she saw in me what I saw in her. 5 minutes helping her bag was nothing to me. What the fuck is five minutes of my life worth? Who fucking cares. We talked, commiserated about shared feelings on parents dying, all that shit.

Someone was like "wow I saw what you did you're so nice" etc

Like cool, I guess. And I would do it again tomorrow too. But I just don't feel anything for me by doing it. I only hope the other person feels better. It doesn't matter if I do, I'm just going to kill myself, right? It's strange.

It's like emotion only exists at a surface level for me but even that surface level amount of care has me doing things all the time to help others, to the point it's commented on all the time like it's special. That's fucking bizarre to me. AND YET...

I get it. Because I don't see other people think ahead for others needs, no one has ever seen my hands shaking and offered to help bag my shit, whatever else. I don't even really want them to lol.

I don't know. It's just all so weird to me, when I feel like I'm just observing society and barely interacting with it, and I get praised while feeling nothing.

I'm not sure what my point is. It just feels an awful lot like having a terminal illness in a weird way, like how I saw my mom be. There's that philosophical question if if you could know how/when you die would you want to, and my answer was always absolutely. I feel like I have that now. But what have I lost, what have I gained?

 

[Saponification]

I think I understand, specially considering you mentioned it feeling similar to having a terminal illness; you have accepted your fate, and thus, you already recognize yourself as being dead. Therefore, you don't have an ego or just barely enough to survive. Which is why you still help other people for the sake of them but get nothing out of it, not even the self-satisfaction of being a good samaritan.

 

[meowme0w]

I think i get what you're saying...I've been thinking of death more, and I've come to really recognize the fact that this is probably how I'm going to die, and it is...a strange feeling. It used to freak me out a lot, I was scared of death even though I wanted to die a lot, but now I'm more at peace with it. I can't really imagine myself going out any other way, and it's just...odd? I can't even really put that feeling into words, it's just bizarre to be really confronted with mortality i think, idk i'm not a philosophist

But I think it's really cool you're still clearly a good person, even if you don't necessarily feel anything. That's a lot more than most other people do, I hope you can be at peace