Story I dont even know what has happened

[wasteandvoid]

Everything has changed im an entirely new person and im "healthier" mentally. But i dont even know if i like it here. I liked hell honestly I feel drawn to it.

For the past few months ive rigorously tried to improve myself mentally by internally thinking and working through my problems. Trying to understand and solve everything, and ive made an extreme amount of progress. I dont care what people think of me I have a sense of self, I do what I WANT not what others internalized voices have made me want, and I control my future. I can feel my emotions (kinda). I am kind to myself I treat myself like a child and I am forgiving and merciful to myself. I used to be a tyrant who hated myself. Now I try to treat myself with love. All of this is a work in progress and I still take L's but thats a part of it. I dont care.

But the problem is I dont want this I want to wallow and suffer and give up and cry and stop. I dont care about life I fought for all along its not worth it to me it feels too easy and pointless now that ive won in a way. I still have a lot of growing to do but this place is very unfamiliar and almost seems artificial. The visceral pain and emotional highs and lows of the past are what felt most real to me. I dont know if im living in some place that isnt real or im not used to this. I feel like I should go back to hell and never go back to here. As crazy as it sounds I dont like it here its too easy and unfamiliar, it feels pointless. But I know hell is equally as pointless.

 

[carac]

Reminder "We are all capable of feeling good from just being alive. That's what true victory is. Not success but adapating to and accepting the situation that you find yourself in"
I duno I just heard that in a video I was watching while I was reading your post and thought it might be helpful

 

[Kimlett]

I'm sorry you have this conflict. I think I get it, dark feelings and thoughts are addictive and comfortable in a way, and feeling better feels odd. For me the worst part is feeling scared of suffering again when I'm ok, sometimes it seems worse than the suffering itself.

Maybe you'll get used to being ok and it will feel real at some point? I hope so. I think the effort and progress you made is amazing. And maybe you can keep improving and feeling better and still don't be fond about life. Good luck

 

[wasteandvoid]

I'm sorry you have this conflict. I think I get it, dark feelings and thoughts are addictive and comfortable in a way, and feeling better feels odd. For me the worst part is feeling scared of suffering again when I'm ok, sometimes it seems worse than the suffering itself.

Maybe you'll get used to being ok and it will feel real at some point? I hope so. I think the effort and progress you made is amazing. And maybe you can keep improving and feeling better and still don't be fond about life. Good luck

Thank you you understand completley I am learning to live in the moment without my head because the truth is that I am addicted to living in my head, I dont even know what that was like before this and I didnt know what my present emotions were. Right now I know that emptiness is boredom and im learning as I go

Reminder "We are all capable of feeling good from just being alive. That's what true victory is. Not success but adapating to and accepting the situation that you find yourself in"
I duno I just heard that in a video I was watching while I was reading your post and thought it might be helpful

Thank you that helps a lot