_Vasa&Me_
The goose doesn’t bite… yet
- Nov 27, 2025
- 45
I will try my absolute best to put this feeling I have been experiencing for quite some time into words (apologies if it is still confusing and/or messy)
So in these past few months after discovering my sexuality I have been having a strong urge to be in an intimate relationship with a man, an urge I never really had in my entire life despite having been in past relationships, including one where I got intimate (albeit it was with a gender I never really felt anything for). I guess one could say its normal I am experiencing that now because this is when I have my "real sexual attraction" moment/experience... yet despite having a constant side of me that is always seeking this, I have moments, no, I have another side where I do not want to get involved like in the past, experience severe anxiety, and/or think I am not enough / I am not in my best state right now to be having anything, even casual sex.
The weird part that is destroying me is that I KNOW I am enough, with various examples throughout life that signify this, both from strangers, customers, acquaintances, friends, family, previous relationships, and even myself at times... yet I still feel like something isnt right and "postpone" any real action towards achieving this "relationship" goal.
Like in school I have never been made fun of in any sort of way that could attack my appearance, in arguments/fights nobody would attack the look of my face or anything like that, they couldn't find anything to attack, at worst I would be called a twink due to my skinny build (something I consider a compliment today lol). At work I regularly get compliments from customers about my hair, or how clean my skin is (thank god considering how much I spend on my skincare routine smh). When I opened up about being gay and single to a couple of my coworkers at my current job, one said I would be "torn to pieces" if I just went on Grindr, whereas at my previous job as a server (before coming out) one coworker who was a girl literally said she would fuck me after work if I just asked her (she was high af that day tho so idk). Family members abroad regularly ask for photos of how I look like now (despite never asking my brother who is younger, where his growth development would be more interesting), and of course my past girlfriends would also comment on the looks.
Like I do my best to have a good appearance. I go to salons for hair, do skincare, keep up with the fashion, workout, do all the hygiene stuff, the only "bad" stuff is horrible sleep and bad diet (a diet of not eating much) yet despite that it seems like it is not enough for me, I get anxious, after all I have never been in a relationship with a same gender, what am I even supposed to do? How do I act? What are the norms? I shouldnt be struggling with these things at my age... but its like I am back to stage one of relationships as this "gay virgin". I start thinking all these good things about me are all just a lie and not really real, a coincidence of people just being nice to me and just feel like giving up DESPITE at the same time knowing I am good enough and wanting nothing more than to take things to the "next level" (ie - start actually dating).
I assume it has to do with my OCD (which is probably pretty evident at this point considering how I have to "include everything" when talking about this, one of my rituals so to say) where the OCD thinks the conditions are not "perfect enough" to go any further, yet my "normal" mind still wants to go and theres like this inner battle inside my head that is destroying me from the inside no matter which "side" is talking in the current moment.
I don't even know what I am trying to get from this... hopefully some people can give me clarity since they get to have an outside perspective on this, or maybe some other people are feeling something similar and can relate I dont really know at this point... I guess its just something I wanted to get out of the head cuz its constantly hurting me and I am terrified of "time running out" for me cuz nobody gets younger as time goes on... I am terrified I will never be able to actually get to the "relationship/date" level ever again... there will always be something that tells me "you need to do more" or "no you arent feeling ideal to do this".
Its my biggest fear at this moment... I just wish it was easier and I was more normal in this aspect...its like I dont have a will or control over myself... (sorry again for the wall of text, and thank you for anyone who actually read the entire thing and sorry if I gave someone pain from this cuz it might look like I am "flexing" or something.. but like I am just wasting it all away anyways... I am not doing anything with this "gift"... so hopefully that can alleviate the whole "flexing" aspect)
So in these past few months after discovering my sexuality I have been having a strong urge to be in an intimate relationship with a man, an urge I never really had in my entire life despite having been in past relationships, including one where I got intimate (albeit it was with a gender I never really felt anything for). I guess one could say its normal I am experiencing that now because this is when I have my "real sexual attraction" moment/experience... yet despite having a constant side of me that is always seeking this, I have moments, no, I have another side where I do not want to get involved like in the past, experience severe anxiety, and/or think I am not enough / I am not in my best state right now to be having anything, even casual sex.
The weird part that is destroying me is that I KNOW I am enough, with various examples throughout life that signify this, both from strangers, customers, acquaintances, friends, family, previous relationships, and even myself at times... yet I still feel like something isnt right and "postpone" any real action towards achieving this "relationship" goal.
Like in school I have never been made fun of in any sort of way that could attack my appearance, in arguments/fights nobody would attack the look of my face or anything like that, they couldn't find anything to attack, at worst I would be called a twink due to my skinny build (something I consider a compliment today lol). At work I regularly get compliments from customers about my hair, or how clean my skin is (thank god considering how much I spend on my skincare routine smh). When I opened up about being gay and single to a couple of my coworkers at my current job, one said I would be "torn to pieces" if I just went on Grindr, whereas at my previous job as a server (before coming out) one coworker who was a girl literally said she would fuck me after work if I just asked her (she was high af that day tho so idk). Family members abroad regularly ask for photos of how I look like now (despite never asking my brother who is younger, where his growth development would be more interesting), and of course my past girlfriends would also comment on the looks.
Like I do my best to have a good appearance. I go to salons for hair, do skincare, keep up with the fashion, workout, do all the hygiene stuff, the only "bad" stuff is horrible sleep and bad diet (a diet of not eating much) yet despite that it seems like it is not enough for me, I get anxious, after all I have never been in a relationship with a same gender, what am I even supposed to do? How do I act? What are the norms? I shouldnt be struggling with these things at my age... but its like I am back to stage one of relationships as this "gay virgin". I start thinking all these good things about me are all just a lie and not really real, a coincidence of people just being nice to me and just feel like giving up DESPITE at the same time knowing I am good enough and wanting nothing more than to take things to the "next level" (ie - start actually dating).
I assume it has to do with my OCD (which is probably pretty evident at this point considering how I have to "include everything" when talking about this, one of my rituals so to say) where the OCD thinks the conditions are not "perfect enough" to go any further, yet my "normal" mind still wants to go and theres like this inner battle inside my head that is destroying me from the inside no matter which "side" is talking in the current moment.
I don't even know what I am trying to get from this... hopefully some people can give me clarity since they get to have an outside perspective on this, or maybe some other people are feeling something similar and can relate I dont really know at this point... I guess its just something I wanted to get out of the head cuz its constantly hurting me and I am terrified of "time running out" for me cuz nobody gets younger as time goes on... I am terrified I will never be able to actually get to the "relationship/date" level ever again... there will always be something that tells me "you need to do more" or "no you arent feeling ideal to do this".
Its my biggest fear at this moment... I just wish it was easier and I was more normal in this aspect...its like I dont have a will or control over myself... (sorry again for the wall of text, and thank you for anyone who actually read the entire thing and sorry if I gave someone pain from this cuz it might look like I am "flexing" or something.. but like I am just wasting it all away anyways... I am not doing anything with this "gift"... so hopefully that can alleviate the whole "flexing" aspect)
