I don't even feel depressed yet still am suicidal

[Krieger]

Title. I don't feel conventionally depressed, I'm pretty numb most of the time and am actually happy a lot but still have dark thoughts about killing myself. The only thing that affects me now is my ADHD and severe OCD which gives me horrible intrusive thoughts. I don't feel sad at all honestly, about 90% of the time I feel like the poker face and 10% of the time I feel happy (still suicidal when happy tho) idk if this is because of benzos or whatever but it's just confusing. Also I seriously plan to ctb in the future when I'm 21 or older (19 now) because I wanna experience being able to go to bars and wanna try cigars too haha. (american moment). I've planned the ctb down to the last detail. Anyways I'm wondering if anyone feels the same way, I was depressed from 12-17 or so but at some point I just became completely numb. I'm totally desensitized to everything, I never rly felt strong emotions but it's even more noticable now although I get worked up and angry occasionally. Emotions I don't feel are things like empathy, sadness, sympathy etc. Wanting to die isn't an immediate feeling, it just feels like something that's inevitable. Like when you know a final exam is coming up in college, it just feels like something that's gonna happen in a few years and I feel zero emotion when thinking about it. I'm totally fine with going on for a few more years, I just know I'm not gonna make it to 30 or probably 25 even. It's just like "yeah, I'm gonna ctb, whatever". I dunno how to explain it better.

 

[Zegers]

I think things started to go -even- worse around 19-20s and in 30s now and planning to ctb, if it cant be in next few months 2023 will be the last year.

 

[Darkover]

i am guessing you was on anti depressants for your depression
After decades of study, there remains no clear evidence that serotonin levels or serotonin activity are responsible for depression,
Patients should not be told that depression is caused by low serotonin or by a chemical imbalance and they should not be led to believe that.

 

[protocorpse]

Title. I don't feel conventionally depressed, I'm pretty numb most of the time and am actually happy a lot but still have dark thoughts about killing myself. The only thing that affects me now is my ADHD and severe OCD which gives me horrible intrusive thoughts. I don't feel sad at all honestly, about 90% of the time I feel like the poker face and 10% of the time I feel happy (still suicidal when happy tho) idk if this is because of benzos or whatever but it's just confusing. Also I seriously plan to ctb in the future when I'm 21 or older (19 now) because I wanna experience being able to go to bars and wanna try cigars too haha. (american moment). I've planned the ctb down to the last detail. Anyways I'm wondering if anyone feels the same way, I was depressed from 12-17 or so but at some point I just became completely numb. I'm totally desensitized to everything, I never rly felt strong emotions but it's even more noticable now although I get worked up and angry occasionally. Emotions I don't feel are things like empathy, sadness, sympathy etc. Wanting to die isn't an immediate feeling, it just feels like something that's inevitable. Like when you know a final exam is coming up in college, it just feels like something that's gonna happen in a few years and I feel zero emotion when thinking about it. I'm totally fine with going on for a few more years, I just know I'm not gonna make it to 30 or probably 25 even. It's just like "yeah, I'm gonna ctb, whatever". I dunno how to explain it better.

I absolutely feel this way. Im a few years older than you and also suffering from pretty debilitating adhd. Im not on any antidepressants but just feel like im ready to check out. I'm pretty upbeat with a lot of things I still enjoy in life but I just don't really have a need to keep struggling to see whats next.
It's still a hard place to be. Hopefully things get easier for you

 

[Krieger]

i am guessing you was on anti depressants for your depression
After decades of study, there remains no clear evidence that serotonin levels or serotonin activity are responsible for depression,
Patients should not be told that depression is caused by low serotonin or by a chemical imbalance and they should not be led to believe that.

I was as a teen but hated the effects. They didn't help anyways, only made me feel like shit. I think I just naturally got this way.

 

[its-about-time]

The emotionless numbness IS depression. Sorry to break it to ya, lol. That kind of depression sure feels more manageable in a lot of ways than the sad-sad-sad type. But in a lot of ways it's also worse… nothing matters anymore which feels great and awful at the same time at least for me. If you were to start experiencing emotions again regularly, you'd probably realize how depressed you've been. Anyways here we are.