Story I did try SN

[woxihuanni]

This is getting ridiculous. Why would I take everything as advised, use measuring cups, and swallow the whole thing??? If I had wanted to bluff I'd have taken Olanzapine and gone crazy around the house with tardive dyskinesia.

I do "apologize" for being high as a kite. I left a note "I love you mom," and then became melancholic thinking about her, so yeah, part of me wanted to live, so then I wrote the name of the antidote, which I didn't even know what it was or if it was the right thing. Again, ask the people on the chat, @idontwannadothisanym I was with them.

I have pics from my file at the hospital showing all the adrenaline they pumped in me, but I'm not going to indulge your twisted mind by showing you my suffering. I avoided such an impulsive move, I had called the police the day prior and they told me that they can only help me if my partner beats me.

And my last name is not Corona to make it more difficult for others to have theirs shipped. Even if I had succeeded, they would have still known what I have taken from my partner, so I would still be at fault for 'stopping SN shipments', albeit dead.

And in case you are hard of hearing, I had an allergic reaction to the freakin antidote, they had to shoot me up with adrenaline. How can I bluff so many variables for me to survive???

I'm sorry. Probably the idea of backing off at the last minute scares me, hence the meanness.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

@GoneGoneGone , I'm sorry you were doubted in such a harsh crude unsubstantiated way . Well , members have their strong opinions , highly mistrust others , and anyway some doubt is healthy . I don't think saying some in distress is bluffing is 'healthy' though . You've been through so much so it's a shame wasting energy trying to prove . This is actually what you're dealing with in real life ... Fighting against partner and MHP nasty remarks -- so this "criticism" of yours is a real trigger . Sorry for that .

( You're smart and prob recognize that behaviour, it can be infuriating, you made it pretty clear, better to move on..;) In general I'd hate to see others wasting their precious time/energy on nasty discussions.. )

Thank you so much for your support and kind words, I really appreciate it. I have stayed away from this forum, this was the sole place where I felt safe and understood, but no longer feel so...

The Olanzapine has an effect against nausea and vomitting, I think. You didn't take Metoclopramid right? If no, then it was probably the Olanzapine, since in Stans guide, he says u don't have to take mcp if u are on olanzapine/ anti psychotic/ neuroleptic meds.

Also, I wish you the very best for the future and hope you will recover from the things u have or had to go through. I'm glad you're fine now and didn't suffer in this process.

Thank you, yes the Olanzapine acted as an antiemetic, but in my experience, Valium/ Xanax act as antiemetics too, they actually give you appetite... Not to sound too gross, but I was starving at the moment I took the SN, it felt somehow liberating to take it.

 

[Forwardplanning]

Just wanted to add something very disturbing related to what @thrw_a_way1221221 has been saying about mental health professionals.

I saw the psychiatrist there (I was in ICU apparently), and she said she didn't really care if I attempt again or not (I live in a pro-choice country). Fine by me.

She wanted to talk to me and my partner to establish some boundaries about how we could interact without him driving me to suicide. She asked what my plan for the next 24 hours was. I smiled coyly because she had put me on the spot. I said probably I will sleep 16 hours as I am tired, relax by watching series for 4 hours, and cook and shower for 4 hours. She was staring blankly at me. I try to lighten up the mood so I said very jokingly "What do you think?" making a "Did I do well, teacher?" face. She started screaming and shouting that I was mocking her. I froze. I apologized, I explained, nothing. My partner stood there during this abusive reaction and said in front of her that he did want to break up and he will tolerate me until Corona restrictions get lifted. So BOTH of them thought it was okay to tell me that I will be homeless in 4 weeks, less than 12 hours after my attempt, even though he took the responsibility to make me move countries for him. How do you tell a person who said their last prayers that you want them out of your life after you have abused and bullied them. How can you as a MHP hear this and not have alarm bells ringing in your head, and still blame the victim for being frantic and not playing the sociable part in human interactions?

So I am completely disgusted. Maybe even my poor country is better than disgusting MHPs who just wanna do their paperwork and sign off.

I tried to explain my desire to take my life to my partner and...nothing. Today she is her moody self, huffing and puffing at everything I do - calling me a bully and saying she wants me out the house.

Kind of makes my decision a lot easier.

I also had a call with the Doc yesterday, she asked if I had followed up on any of the mental health support I was referred to. I told her no because I didn't want to get talked out of how I feel.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm sorry. Probably the idea of backing off at the last minute scares me, hence the meanness.

No worries, I can give you details of my experience if you feel it is helpful somehow.

That being said, I finally understand what one of our senior members meant by 'setting boundaries' about involving someone else in one's decision to ctb. I am not part of your decision to ctb, the method, or the supply of SN. I live in a pro-choice country, and they weren't even clear as to what I took, they thought I took nitrate. The dye that was supposed to save me gave me anaph****tic sh**k, I was pumped with adrenaline the whole time.

Please do not involve me in your decision to ctb.

I tried to explain my desire to take my life to my partner and...nothing. Today she is her moody self, huffing and puffing at everything I do - calling me a bully and saying she wants me out the house.

Kind of makes my decision a lot easier.

I also had a call with the Doc yesterday, she asked if I had followed up on any of the mental health support I was referred to. I told her no because I didn't want to get talked out of how I feel.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. Any family members that could help you out or where you could move if the relationship ends? I apologize if my advice is not of much help, as I see everything through my own experience...

I think he is ambivalent, you suggested that before, in general. Wants to end things but sometimes nice etc. That's better than being nasty/evil/hateful all the time.. I guess.. We can't know what's going on in his mind, maybe he's unsure of how to react to these things as well. Suicide while breaking up and during lockdown is hard. I'm not defending him. Maybe he didn't take it seriously until noises of distress . Maybe he thought 'let her do that' but then realizing person's life at stake and jumped into action. Etc. What's the point of speculating, brewing, and festering, if that relationship is over...

I sensed that he had dismissive and careless (perhaps abusive) remarks, behaviours, and attitude. It's a tough situation locked down when relationship ends. But I don't think he's torturing you on purpose or taking pleasure in that. Even if you're not BPD but only share similar patterns right now due to situation, it often feels like being tortured. Sometimes people are indeed abusing and that happens quite a lot, sadly. But regardless many BPDs feel close ones are intentionally torturing them constantly. Correct me if I'm wrong.... Also one's own ambivalent perception can inspire a similar ambivalence in the other person (I'm not BPD blaming).

I know you can't get mental or other support there, and can't go back to father, any other options like other family members? Or living on welfare (where you are now or in your country)? Perhaps it's better to do something new for the sake of safety. I really hope you change things.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. It's still unclear as to what is going to happen.