Venting I deserve to die. I really do

[suicidaltoad]

I don't want to say exactly what my problem is, I have no reason to really be having THIS much anxiety over it, but I potentially ruined my life over something I don't even support anymore... Haven't done it in almost a year, truly haven't had any desires to do it at all, yet I still feel like a fucking fraud and I deserve to be shot and just thrown in a dumpster, forgotten about. The sheer terror I've been feeling for 4 days now is really starting to get unbearable. I can't even really form what I'm thinking into words... so much terror, self loathing, I'm just so tired of it all yet I don't necessarily want to die because I truly have been doing better and I can continue to do better, but the possibility that my life could be ruined in the future over this is just so terrifying. I'm such a disappointment to society. I have my first therapy appointment on Tuesday and I don't think I can talk to him about it... I'm such a piece of shit human being. I haven't been able to function at all this week which makes me feel even worse. Anyway I'll stop talking, nobody cares about people like me.

 

[Spitfire]

I am sorry you feel that much anxiety, but I hope it helps you to tell some people about it. And maybe it will get better possibly after your first therapy appointment?

I hope you can feel better

 

[suicidaltoad]

I am sorry you feel that much anxiety, but I hope it helps you to tell some people about it. And maybe it will get better possibly after your first therapy appointment?

I hope you can feel better

If he doesn't call the cops on me...

 

[Spitfire]

If he doesn't call the cops on me...

That does stink having to worry something about the cops like that.

If you never did therapy prior be aware of how they can sometimes use silence to try and get you to talk. There is no need to say anything about nothing if you do not want to say it to a therapist.

 

[suicidaltoad]

That does stink having to worry something about the cops like that.

If you never did therapy prior be aware of how they can sometimes use silence to try and get you to talk. There is no need to say anything about nothing if you do not want to say it to a therapist.

I've been to therapy before, but I've never realized the true root of my depression and anxiety until a few weeks ago... so I could beat around the bush and he'd still get what I'm trying to say? Because really I'm not that person anymore, thinking about it makes me sick and I think I may have formed some kind of trauma due to it... I really don't feel like I deserve help

 

[DoNotLet2]

I know nothing but I disagree I don't think you deserve to die you may want to die but it's not like you deserve to.

 

[suicidaltoad]

I know nothing but I disagree I don't think you deserve to die you may want to die but it's not like you deserve to.

Thank you. Deep down I know I deserve life just as much as a normal person but I just think the medication I was taking increased my anxiety. Fucking prozac... took my first lexapro a little bit ago, hopefully that helps

 

[tea on clouds]

I can smell some dark net around.. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you're a nice person if you feel guilty about it. Your life won't be ruined, relax. Just don't risk doing stuff like that anymore, it's the worst move you can do, nothing good is gonna come out of it.

 

[suicidaltoad]

I can smell some dark net around.. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you're a nice person if you feel guilty about it. Your life won't be ruined, relax. Just don't risk doing stuff like that anymore, it's the worst move you can do, nothing good is gonna come out of it.

No dark net, I've never really messed around with that. Like I said, haven't done it in almost a year and I have no desire to ever do it again... the amount of regret, guilt, and depression it has caused me over the past couple years is astronomical

 

[xLosthopex]

I think our feelings/emotions are similar, feelings of guilt and regret are eating me alive and I feel like I deserve to die and that others probably think the same thing

 

[TowerUpright]

Anxiety sucks. And hard to empathize with, if you haven't had it yourself. I hope it can be resolved for you.

 

[suicidaltoad]

Anxiety sucks. And hard to empathize with, if you haven't had it yourself. I hope it can be resolved for you.

it really fucking sucks. i don't want to die yet i feel like that's the only way i'll feel any relief

 

[Coffeandamug]

I think that first you shoul try therapy or even medication. Not because it can fix your life but it can tune down the emotional stress so you can make the best course of action for yourself. Death is really a good solution that you have to consider, but to truly make the right decision, allow yourself some breathing room first. That is, if that is possible. Maybe there are some angles that you haven't though about yet because of the cloudiness that can came with all the emotional charge.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I can understand your level of anxiety is horrible right now. It's a good thing that you can feel guilt and remorse. An irredeemable person wouldn't feel any remorse. You said you don't want to die but can't handle this anxiety. I don't think you have to die, as long as you can get this anxiety under control. I would really recommend telling someone you trust like a family member and opening up, a therapist if you can, but if you don't feel comfortable, that's fine. I think just telling a family could help get this off your chest. You will need to forgive yourself. Bad, irredeemable people can't feel genuine remorse or empathy. I think it's time to forgive yourself. I think your level of anxiety can become more tolerable then.

 

[orbroots]

Whether or not there's a clear reason, you feel the way you feel. It's okay to feel. Feeling feelings can help you seek out the best type of support you need, whether you want to die or live. I'm not sure anyone is irredeemable. I personally don't think it's ever that simple. The idea of who you are now, who you were then, and who you are becoming is constantly shifting. You got this - whatever "this" means to you i guess.

 

[issyishere]

hey OP i just wanted to tell you that the first 4ish weeks of a new anti anxiety medication may actually make it worse temporarily. You do not want to stop taking it just because of this. It will eventually go away for the vast majority of people. I am considering starting on a med for my anxiety too and I see people saying that its bad for a few weeks then gets better. If it doesn't you need to taper off the medication very slowly to avoid withdrawal. Hoping it works for you and me I am still in anxiety hell like you.

 

[ZardozOmega]

I've done a few horrible things too, and out of nowhere they come back to haunt me. Really, just out of absolutely nowhere, no warning, nothing. It hurts so bad, I've even developed some really unpleasant tics because of these things.

 

[Tsohumgi]

I don't want to say exactly what my problem is, I have no reason to really be having THIS much anxiety over it, but I potentially ruined my life over something I don't even support anymore... Haven't done it in almost a year, truly haven't had any desires to do it at all, yet I still feel like a fucking fraud and I deserve to be shot and just thrown in a dumpster, forgotten about. The sheer terror I've been feeling for 4 days now is really starting to get unbearable. I can't even really form what I'm thinking into words... so much terror, self loathing, I'm just so tired of it all yet I don't necessarily want to die because I truly have been doing better and I can continue to do better, but the possibility that my life could be ruined in the future over this is just so terrifying. I'm such a disappointment to society. I have my first therapy appointment on Tuesday and I don't think I can talk to him about it... I'm such a piece of shit human being. I haven't been able to function at all this week which makes me feel even worse. Anyway I'll stop talking, nobody cares about people like me.

What did you do? Did you hurt someone?

 

[suicidaltoad]

What did you do? Did you hurt someone?

don't wanna talk about it directly, but no i didn't hurt someone.

hey OP i just wanted to tell you that the first 4ish weeks of a new anti anxiety medication may actually make it worse temporarily. You do not want to stop taking it just because of this. It will eventually go away for the vast majority of people. I am considering starting on a med for my anxiety too and I see people saying that its bad for a few weeks then gets better. If it doesn't you need to taper off the medication very slowly to avoid withdrawal. Hoping it works for you and me I am still in anxiety hell like you.

idk if you read my other post or not but yeah, i did start prozac, then stopped taking it on wednesday. i'm now on lexapro and buspirone, waiting for this hell to end lol. it's better at night for some reason

I've done a few horrible things too, and out of nowhere they come back to haunt me. Really, just out of absolutely nowhere, no warning, nothing. It hurts so bad, I've even developed some really unpleasant tics because of these things.

you and me both. we got this, man

 

[Isitmytime]

If you didn't hurt someone (hope that includes non-human beings, too), you probably should not be so hard on yourself. I can't imagine what could be so bad that you cannot forgive yourself in such case. Anyhow, it seems like you feel the need to be able to tell someone and ask for forgivness and then to try doing something to reverse the negative consequences. Become better, try to redeem yourself. After some time, you may find out that doing good makes you feel a lot better, like you learned your lesson and now you can do good. Then, if it doesn't work, you can ctb, but at least you did your best to fix things before deciding it can't be done.
I don't know if it makes sense... I'll try an example. Let's say one poisons a dog... Horrible act, in my opinion, but... if after that the person decides do rescue animals or volunteer to a shelter or something like that, after some time, the bad deed can be compensated by a lot more other good deeds, if you know what I mean. Being dead makes that impossible. I think that the world would be a much better place if people could admit mistakes (which you did, so you are not such a bad person) and then do something about that mistake. It not only helps others, it helps you, too. Maybe you feel so bad just because you can't find a way to fix it, but there might be a way, though. What would you have to lose if you try that first, then decide if you really deserve to die? Just my 2c... I don't really know what happened.