Venting I daydream too much about what my life could have been

[narayana0121]

Does anyone else experience this?
I spend so much time alone, all by myself. Recently, the days in my life have been just getting out of bed barely in time for my college classes, interacting with no one, and come straight home to my apartment after it's all over, or go straight to work. But yet, I like to make up scenarios in my mind, where I'm doing the fun things that I've always wanted. Going out with friends, playing a sport, having a romantic partner, etc. Sometimes, I end up talking to myself and laughing with joy about these scenarios. And oh boy, has this led to many awkward moments where people wonder what the hell I'm laughing about.

Ive been doing this for a long time. I remember getting weird looks in middle school for talking to myself. I guess it's a way for me to comfort myself, to make it feel like it's all alright. Back in high school, I used to make up fantasies about me not always being the one left out when people were making groups for group projects, or being the one who wasn't completely nonathletic and wasn't a loser. But as life goes on of course, other things become important. Everyone around me in college is doing so well in class while having a significant other, while making time for having a social life and so much more. They're moving so fast, getting on with their lives. But here I am, still with middle-school-level social skills. Everyone is racing past me, while I'm perpetually stuck in my head pretending that I have such things like a life or significant other.

I made my account on this website about a year ago, but left shortly after. That was when I first entered college. I believed I could change and grow so much. I got really into going to the gym, I went everyday and actually made noticeable progress. But now, I'm just exhausted. I don't think I can ever truly change. I'm scared of what's gonna come after college if I ever do graduate, scared about what I'm to do with my life. Over these past three weeks, I basically haven't answered anyone's phone or text. I've basically ignored all my friends and gone into lockdown mode. I feel like I'm in middle school again.

 

[Softwind]

Wow, your post is super relatable to me. As a child I was really lonely and I was also under a lot of stress, so I would make all these scenarios/daydreams in my head.

It actually got really bad as I grew older, my attention span became pretty short because I just start daydreaming while doing things.

But honestly I kinda don't wanna let them go, cause it feels like they're all I have sometimes... They're all things I wish were true...

 

[narayana0121]

Wow, your post is super relatable to me. As a child I was really lonely and I was also under a lot of stress, so I would make all these scenarios/daydreams in my head.

It actually got really bad as I grew older, my attention span became pretty short because I just start daydreaming while doing things.

But honestly I kinda don't wanna let them go, cause it feels like they're all I have sometimes... They're all things I wish were true...

Yeah. It really does feel like my daydreams are the most stable thing I have in my life. It's such a deadening and empty feeling when I try to be more in reality. There's just nothing in this reality for me.

 

[Kriegsman]

I daydream a lot about going back to being 3 years old in Fall of 2000 and redoing my life and the outcomes if I had stopped somethings and allowed some things to happen. I've been talking to chatgpt a lot about it.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah escapism and avoidance of real life vs imagining your fantasy life is much easier/more fun than the alternative. Have you ever been tested for autism by chance?

 

[AkaRed]

I've had to catch myself from verbally responding to mental conversations in my head. My whole imaginary other existence just plays out in my head, with new people and scenarios to fit my moods. They can last months, even years.

All I do is daydream, zone out, daydream some more, and sometimes even convince myself its real. The horrific realization that these people don't exist, those things didn't happen, and I am not who I was there will always immediately bring me to tears.

I've always been an avid thinker in that regard, and my loneliness only fuels my daydreams. And now I'm struggling to even hold those together anymore. They're all I have.

<3

 

[tbroken]

It happened to me also when i was a child, but now i use this 'technique' only in really stressful moments. The point is that is very dangerous for your mind, because when you come back to reality you will feel double the pain you tried to avoid.

 

[thedevilwithin]

very relatable man. if i could do things differently i'd take that chance in an instant. i feel so behind and exhausted. i hate myself for it.

 

[Parnate]

Metoo

 

[BlendedHeart]

Same here. I've wasted SO MUCH TIME on what could've been. What I could've said or done to make things differently. To be with the people I wanted to be. To be the person I wanted to be, instead of doing something about it.

Years, literal years gone. Another reason why I hate the way I am.

 

[narayana0121]

Yeah escapism and avoidance of real life vs imagining your fantasy life is much easier/more fun than the alternative. Have you ever been tested for autism by chance?

I have never been tested before, but recently in the past few months Ive been thinking about it. Ive been reading more about it and alot of the things I do and the ways I act line up with autistic tendencies, so maybe I do. It would honestly explain alot.

 

[onbekend]

You're not alone in this, I get what you're talking about. I often think about 3 things when daydreaming:
1. I memorize every bad decision I've made or every bad trait I have and how each of them are just individual examples of why I am not deserving to stay alive (if life is such a beautiful thing as people claim anyway)
2. I too think about how I could've changed things. In my case, I could've changed so many miniscule things in my life that I took for granted at the time and everything could've been good, but It's far too late to make a significant change.
3. I think about the future, and how it will effect my family when I do decide to CTB. As time has went on though I've stopped because at this point I feel a lack of guilt. I'm sure when the time comes that I go through with killing myself I'll feel plenty of guilt about doing it anyway, but right now I don't feel any waves of emotions like I used to at the simple thought of suicide.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I have never been tested before, but recently in the past few months Ive been thinking about it. Ive been reading more about it and alot of the things I do and the ways I act line up with autistic tendencies, so maybe I do. It would honestly explain alot.

Try spark.org. They'll send you a spit test tube.

 

[Arachno]

I can relate to this post so much. I daydream about having a great life a lot. But I daydream more about successful alternate versions of myself (they are 5 characters that have different characteristics and stuff and I use them in my scenarios) rather than my current live being better, but I daydream about that too sometimes.

 

[sickgirlzis]

relate to this too hard. I feel like all I do all day is daydream about what could have been, what I want, about having friends and a romantic partner. I quite literally have nothing else to do all day except a few things and I even get tired of that, but my imagination is unlimited, so it's easy. so many people talk about the negative effects but it's so hard to relate since I don't go out or have many responsibilities, my constant daydreaming has nothing external to effect.

 

[HuskyD'hiver]

I have done the exact same thing my entire life, but I've never seen it as a negative or really used it as a coping method however, but in my mind, daydreaming is a positive that enhances your creativity. I've spent hours at a time just laying in bed, or sitting down, or mindlessly walking around just in my own head. I have an extremely active imagination and I also have ADD, so I tend to talk to myself an absurd amount, especially while planning out a task to do. Half of the time I imagine myself in a way where it feels like I have a YouTube channel that I'm upload content for and doing stuff like playing games that I want to play but don't currently have, making collabs with content creators I enjoy and even making vlogs about going around the world to places that I've dreamed of visiting. The other half is essentially just daydreaming and coming up with loads of new ideas for games, shows, books, music, what have you. I've written literal books full of just my ideas and fleshed some of them out very intricately while talking to myself. However, I'm super self-conscious doing this around other people because it looks like I'm just talking to myself for hours like a lunatic. I know that this is a very common thing though, as several of my friends, my girlfriend, and even my family that have some form of ADHD, autism, or even just anxiety or past trauma tend to talk to themselves out loud just to reinforce what they are thinking in their head. Making scenarios is a common thing with mankind all throughout our lives, especially when it comes to critiquing your flaws and mistakes you made in the past; so I'd take it in stride that this means you're thinking positively in a subconscious way to try and motivate yourself to do more mentally and emotionally, even if it doesn't feel like it.