arrested developement

[mementomorii]

Is feeling like a child internally a major factor in anyone else's suicidality? I'm 21 and gonna graduate college this year, but I still am completely reliant on my parents financially and emotionally. I sleep with a big stuffed rabbit every night, have very poor executive function, and have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life AT ALL. I feel completely directionless and hopeless and pretty much every job I've had has been just that, a job. I really want to get married and have kids, but I have scars from surgery on my chest that make me pretty afraid no guy I'd be attracted to would commit to me ever to be honest, why would they when they could just be with someone normal LOL. I just feel like a little girl all the time, and in times when I've had sexual relationships with men (usually I was being used/abused in these scenarios which might be part of it) I just feel so weird like I'm too young to be doing that stuff and get so scared. Even though I'm an adult whose been sexually active a long time. Same with work or school, I feel like this imposter 14 year old in my own body. Ironically I was so capable and such an overachiever as a kid. I have no ambition or goals at all now. at all. Like I'm just kinda an empty flesh-sack LOL.