hellworldprincess
death come kind. lay no curse on me.
- Jun 29, 2024
- 94
No matter how good things get, I still feel like shit.
After basically not leaving the house for about two weeks, I started going back to work/school last week. Doing that was important for staying employed, so I somehow managed to overcome my lethargy.
Also I started school with a new class, which was really hard to do because I'm already afraid of school if I know the people there. My class is actually nicer than I anticipated.
Everything seems to be getting better on the surface, but I don't feel like anything has meaningfully changed. I still contemplate death every day.
Every time I think about my life I feel physically sick.
This is just a microcosm of a bigger pattern that shows up everywhere in my life.
I started transitioning about two years ago and thought that I might start to love myself. Or maybe start to feel okay in the body I inhabit. Or maybe just feel a little bit less bad all the time.
Also I moved out of my mother's place and now live with my loving partner.
All things considered, a lot of stuff in my life is going great.
That my experience of life still consists mostly of feeling depressed, anxious and lonely just proves to me that I'm incapable of being happy.
I'm such an ungrateful piece of trash and I'm too far gone to ever change.
Why do all these good things keep falling into the abyss that is me?
I would rather let go of some of my pains than collecting a mountain of undeserved blessings.
After basically not leaving the house for about two weeks, I started going back to work/school last week. Doing that was important for staying employed, so I somehow managed to overcome my lethargy.
Also I started school with a new class, which was really hard to do because I'm already afraid of school if I know the people there. My class is actually nicer than I anticipated.
Everything seems to be getting better on the surface, but I don't feel like anything has meaningfully changed. I still contemplate death every day.
Every time I think about my life I feel physically sick.
This is just a microcosm of a bigger pattern that shows up everywhere in my life.
I started transitioning about two years ago and thought that I might start to love myself. Or maybe start to feel okay in the body I inhabit. Or maybe just feel a little bit less bad all the time.
Also I moved out of my mother's place and now live with my loving partner.
All things considered, a lot of stuff in my life is going great.
That my experience of life still consists mostly of feeling depressed, anxious and lonely just proves to me that I'm incapable of being happy.
I'm such an ungrateful piece of trash and I'm too far gone to ever change.
Why do all these good things keep falling into the abyss that is me?
I would rather let go of some of my pains than collecting a mountain of undeserved blessings.
