CuriosityKilledTheK
Member
- May 13, 2026
- 15
Writing out how the last week looked has helped me feel tremendously better about my journey over the last few days. I don't know if it will help anyone in regard to being unable to obtain SN as I know some of you are going through unfathomably tough situations. Those old enough to realize that all the "it will get better with time" experiences does not apply to them, you deserve the right to choose where your path goes, even if it is to end it early. Maybe this short peek into my attempt (if you can even call it that) will show you all that obtaining the "miracle cure" is not the be all, end all. I can't really share this with any friends without them telling me to go see a therapist or them becoming genuinely worried about me and just left completely speechless so I hope I can share it here instead. I would also like to preface that my sister went out the same way two months ago, and it is the way I found out about SN, as I mentioned in my original post where I planned to ctb.
Honestly, I was not planning to still be here and had no intention of still being here, and I don't mean that lightly at all. I ordered everything I needed and had it in my possession. I turned off my location from everything, going offline on all social media, preventing anyone from seeing my presence online in the prior weeks to desensitize my friends from seeing me pop up in their phones. I cancelled every subscription I had, spent more money than really mattered, because what does it matter if you are no longer here? I had two days off work following my weekend but then just no called no showed the next day, and well, called out the next as well so no one would be trying to call me to see where I was. I pretty much disappeared from everyone irl for 3 days in a hotel room. I messaged some people briefly to not raise suspicions, but other than that, I was radio silent. I planned to have been gone the first night but someone random called me and that distracted me for a good five hours. It was mildly annoying, but it was nice to have a night in the room to just enjoy one final carefree night.
The next night I just extended my stay another day to have enough time and mixed what was needed that night, three cups for my protocol; I just couldn't force myself to drink it for whatever reason. It was something I did not see anywhere in my plans, which I now believe is to be called our survival instinct. Still, I tried the next night again as well, but I couldn't bring myself to consider downing it for more than half a second before my brain just couldn't conceive that thought again for another 30 or so minutes. It was frustrating as all hell! I started measuring time in sets of (hopeful) 20-minute increments, as that can be how quickly SN can put you to sleep for some individuals. Yet, that was not helping at all, other than helping me feel more frustration and failure. I could barely stand seeing the time tick by as I paced back in forth in that hotel room, trying to muster up the courage to go through with consuming that final drink, trying to get closer to what I had wished for, for so long. Annoyingly, I could bring it to my lips but not let myself actually drink it. I even tasted it, and it wasn't that bad, but even then, that was only the tip of my tongue that I washed off immediately after. I did this two or three more times as well as I was worried I would have a reaction where I would spit it out involuntarily from the salty taste, since I thought that was my main problem. No matter what I tried or how much I talked myself up, no matter what candy I ate with it to tell myself the taste wouldn't be an issue, I could not make myself drink it. 20 minutes away from my final sleep, yet it wasn't enough to convince my brain it would be okay. I wasted more medication and SN than I wanted to those unsuccessful two nights, but I guess it is whatever. It is impressive in a way how much our brain will absolutely not let us just poof from this world. Painfully, it makes me wonder how in the hell my sister pushed past her survival instinct and it brings to my attention how much she really was silently suffering. In a way, I do feel better knowing I can't bring myself to do it and that I can leave it for now. It also helps that I have my SN to use still so it isn't like I am actually stuck here like before. I just know what I am incapable of for now. I feel that may seem insensitive for some people's situations, but it wasn't like it was a lucky draw for me to find SN, more of an unluckily painful one that I would take back in a heartbeat if I ever had the opportunity to, even at my own expense.
I would like to be clear that this whole ordeal wasn't a new thought for me or that I was suicidal because of my sister's death. I mean it does affect me greatly but it did show me a way I could finally leave without becoming a vegetable or leaving an absolute mess for someone else to find. Truthfully, I can't say there has been a day where I don't think for at least a second that I would prefer to be gone. You can't talk to friends about it because they don't understand the same, they just say "You need to talk to someone." No, I do not. I am 24, not an angsty teenager and I have had plenty of time to experience the "it gets better" that only happens very temporarily. I always have suicidal thoughts. I joke about them a lot, but they really aren't a joke for me. Even before this happened, I was half joking with a friend about how I wish they allowed assisted suicide for things other than terminal illnesses because I wanted to be gone so badly. It was only after finding out about my sister's method thoroughly that I had some real hope for finally leaving in my life. I would be lying if I said there weren't moments in my life where I do feel valuable to people, but it just doesn't do enough when so many people also dog you at every chance they get. Maybe they do it out of jealousy or wanting to be like you, but I don't want to sound egotistical either. Anyways, as I was saying, having fully tried to go through with committing suicide to the best of my abilities and failing showed me a lot. I no longer have to worry if I could actually do it given the means to, and I have a way to leave still if my mind were to ever spiral again. I am sure a lot of people reading this know just as much that having the means close enough to use gives you a sense of security in a way, even if you have no intention of using it for the foreseeable future. I did, however, feel guilty in a way attempting because I did not want my sister connected to it in any way, but regardless, someone would connect two suicides no matter the circumstances.
I can say one truly good thing I did gain from those long nights in the hotel was that after trying for the majority of the first night of having my drinks ready, when I fell asleep eventually, I had my first real dream about my sister. She was sitting next to me with her head down, crying very silently, but you could absolutely tell how hard she was truly crying, the pain she was feeling, as if she regretted something or missed someone. I was given the opportunity to hold her head in my arms as she cried into me, and it was truly so, so heartbreaking and warming, but mainly the first. I can't even begin to say how unbelievably real it felt, but it was an incredibly nice experience. It was as if I could feel her emotions, though not a word was said in the dream. I, more than anything, wish I could still hold her close to me and tell her everything is going to be okay. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for my siblings. Looking back on it recently, though, if dreams were a way to communicate with others in ways we don't understand, I wonder if she could've been crying because she was worried I was following her path, seeing what I had been trying so hard to do that night. The emotions that were spoken to me through feeling alone in that dream make me wonder so many things that I will never know the answer to. While I don't believe in the afterlife or a God, when I arrived off my plane and finally got to go into her room following her death, I stood in her room and said out loud to her that I don't hold it against her in the slightest and that I understand why she chose the path she did. I wanted her to know in case there is an afterlife that I would never be upset with her over her death. I really just want her to be okay wherever she is. She will always be my little sister, regardless of where she is. Though you could take this dream as a major sign, I would also like to add that the only other "realistic" sign I had was while I worked the night that she was going through with the act of committing suicide. I drive a forklift, and for whatever reason, I kept hitting pallets left and right starting around the time she would've done it, as if I had never driven a forklift before, on top of being overly frustrated about it. It may be an odd detail, but I haven't driven like that since, or before that night; It was only when my sister was taking her life, and I can't understand my performance that night whatsoever still.
I apologize if this wasn't very written out as I wasn't planning to share it. I originally just wrote it for me to get my thoughts out, but I thought someone here might care to read it. Thank you all for being so kind in my experience on this site thus far!
Honestly, I was not planning to still be here and had no intention of still being here, and I don't mean that lightly at all. I ordered everything I needed and had it in my possession. I turned off my location from everything, going offline on all social media, preventing anyone from seeing my presence online in the prior weeks to desensitize my friends from seeing me pop up in their phones. I cancelled every subscription I had, spent more money than really mattered, because what does it matter if you are no longer here? I had two days off work following my weekend but then just no called no showed the next day, and well, called out the next as well so no one would be trying to call me to see where I was. I pretty much disappeared from everyone irl for 3 days in a hotel room. I messaged some people briefly to not raise suspicions, but other than that, I was radio silent. I planned to have been gone the first night but someone random called me and that distracted me for a good five hours. It was mildly annoying, but it was nice to have a night in the room to just enjoy one final carefree night.
The next night I just extended my stay another day to have enough time and mixed what was needed that night, three cups for my protocol; I just couldn't force myself to drink it for whatever reason. It was something I did not see anywhere in my plans, which I now believe is to be called our survival instinct. Still, I tried the next night again as well, but I couldn't bring myself to consider downing it for more than half a second before my brain just couldn't conceive that thought again for another 30 or so minutes. It was frustrating as all hell! I started measuring time in sets of (hopeful) 20-minute increments, as that can be how quickly SN can put you to sleep for some individuals. Yet, that was not helping at all, other than helping me feel more frustration and failure. I could barely stand seeing the time tick by as I paced back in forth in that hotel room, trying to muster up the courage to go through with consuming that final drink, trying to get closer to what I had wished for, for so long. Annoyingly, I could bring it to my lips but not let myself actually drink it. I even tasted it, and it wasn't that bad, but even then, that was only the tip of my tongue that I washed off immediately after. I did this two or three more times as well as I was worried I would have a reaction where I would spit it out involuntarily from the salty taste, since I thought that was my main problem. No matter what I tried or how much I talked myself up, no matter what candy I ate with it to tell myself the taste wouldn't be an issue, I could not make myself drink it. 20 minutes away from my final sleep, yet it wasn't enough to convince my brain it would be okay. I wasted more medication and SN than I wanted to those unsuccessful two nights, but I guess it is whatever. It is impressive in a way how much our brain will absolutely not let us just poof from this world. Painfully, it makes me wonder how in the hell my sister pushed past her survival instinct and it brings to my attention how much she really was silently suffering. In a way, I do feel better knowing I can't bring myself to do it and that I can leave it for now. It also helps that I have my SN to use still so it isn't like I am actually stuck here like before. I just know what I am incapable of for now. I feel that may seem insensitive for some people's situations, but it wasn't like it was a lucky draw for me to find SN, more of an unluckily painful one that I would take back in a heartbeat if I ever had the opportunity to, even at my own expense.
I would like to be clear that this whole ordeal wasn't a new thought for me or that I was suicidal because of my sister's death. I mean it does affect me greatly but it did show me a way I could finally leave without becoming a vegetable or leaving an absolute mess for someone else to find. Truthfully, I can't say there has been a day where I don't think for at least a second that I would prefer to be gone. You can't talk to friends about it because they don't understand the same, they just say "You need to talk to someone." No, I do not. I am 24, not an angsty teenager and I have had plenty of time to experience the "it gets better" that only happens very temporarily. I always have suicidal thoughts. I joke about them a lot, but they really aren't a joke for me. Even before this happened, I was half joking with a friend about how I wish they allowed assisted suicide for things other than terminal illnesses because I wanted to be gone so badly. It was only after finding out about my sister's method thoroughly that I had some real hope for finally leaving in my life. I would be lying if I said there weren't moments in my life where I do feel valuable to people, but it just doesn't do enough when so many people also dog you at every chance they get. Maybe they do it out of jealousy or wanting to be like you, but I don't want to sound egotistical either. Anyways, as I was saying, having fully tried to go through with committing suicide to the best of my abilities and failing showed me a lot. I no longer have to worry if I could actually do it given the means to, and I have a way to leave still if my mind were to ever spiral again. I am sure a lot of people reading this know just as much that having the means close enough to use gives you a sense of security in a way, even if you have no intention of using it for the foreseeable future. I did, however, feel guilty in a way attempting because I did not want my sister connected to it in any way, but regardless, someone would connect two suicides no matter the circumstances.
I can say one truly good thing I did gain from those long nights in the hotel was that after trying for the majority of the first night of having my drinks ready, when I fell asleep eventually, I had my first real dream about my sister. She was sitting next to me with her head down, crying very silently, but you could absolutely tell how hard she was truly crying, the pain she was feeling, as if she regretted something or missed someone. I was given the opportunity to hold her head in my arms as she cried into me, and it was truly so, so heartbreaking and warming, but mainly the first. I can't even begin to say how unbelievably real it felt, but it was an incredibly nice experience. It was as if I could feel her emotions, though not a word was said in the dream. I, more than anything, wish I could still hold her close to me and tell her everything is going to be okay. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for my siblings. Looking back on it recently, though, if dreams were a way to communicate with others in ways we don't understand, I wonder if she could've been crying because she was worried I was following her path, seeing what I had been trying so hard to do that night. The emotions that were spoken to me through feeling alone in that dream make me wonder so many things that I will never know the answer to. While I don't believe in the afterlife or a God, when I arrived off my plane and finally got to go into her room following her death, I stood in her room and said out loud to her that I don't hold it against her in the slightest and that I understand why she chose the path she did. I wanted her to know in case there is an afterlife that I would never be upset with her over her death. I really just want her to be okay wherever she is. She will always be my little sister, regardless of where she is. Though you could take this dream as a major sign, I would also like to add that the only other "realistic" sign I had was while I worked the night that she was going through with the act of committing suicide. I drive a forklift, and for whatever reason, I kept hitting pallets left and right starting around the time she would've done it, as if I had never driven a forklift before, on top of being overly frustrated about it. It may be an odd detail, but I haven't driven like that since, or before that night; It was only when my sister was taking her life, and I can't understand my performance that night whatsoever still.
I apologize if this wasn't very written out as I wasn't planning to share it. I originally just wrote it for me to get my thoughts out, but I thought someone here might care to read it. Thank you all for being so kind in my experience on this site thus far!
