Story I chose to live…and then…

[MakeUpAName4Me]

I chose to become sober. I spoke with my parents (see my last post for context) and they wanted to support me. I fessed up to my family and friends how I felt, they all made me feel grateful to have a support system. One week later? Well…damn. Am I a bad person not giving a fuck? I don't care anymore, I'm beyond fucked and I think I once and for all realized that life isn't worth living. Even tho I was getting high all the time before at least it felt strangely good until it didn't. But still tho withdrawals suck man I can't do much more of this shit… I don't care anymore about how people who love me will feel when I go, they just can't and won't understand what compels a person to this.

Am I a bad person? The way I see it I'm just looking out for #1 here, it's selfish but what the fuck man I'm not gonna suffer for other people just for me to stick around and be miserable so they can be happy I'm there. I'd rather not, I can't even bother to write a note…like the way I see it they can just fucking deal with it however they want to idk it's not my problem man I'll be off wherever I'll be and whatever happens in this world won't be my concern.

 

[Celerity]

Respectfully, in my opinion as someone who struggles with substance abuse, I don't think you can really make a rational decision about life and death in the midst of the addiction cycle. I was truly astounded to look back and see just how much alcohol and prescription medications fucked with my head. The severity of anhedonia I experienced between binges can and absolutely does occur in sober people, but I can't look back on the positive changes I saw after sobriety and say with a straight face that chemical dependence played no role.

All that said, I still think life is pretty awful and continue to struggle with depression, but my perspective is so much more nuanced now then it was. If I decided to commit suicide now, I think my reasons would be better grounded in reality and more respectful of my priorities in life. When every day is a struggle to not feel like a zombie and nothing helps but substances, all other considerations fall by the wayside.

So I won't sit here and promise that your life will get better, and you have the right to do what you want, but I implore you to take another crack at sobriety and consider the question of suicide with a clear head. It took me at least 6 months to get my head screwed back on somewhat straight, and I failed many times to stay sober, but the time spent was worth it. Even if I do kill myself sooner rather than later, I don't regret undertaking that struggle because I will be sure that I gave the suicide question its due.